


Monsters and Mana

by JellyfishPoetry



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Anxiety Disorder, Gaming, M/M, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-17
Updated: 2019-04-23
Packaged: 2019-05-24 13:41:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 21
Words: 58,052
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14955725
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JellyfishPoetry/pseuds/JellyfishPoetry
Summary: Shiro never thought he'd be the type of guy who'd be into online games until his life suddenly changed drastically. After being through a major accident, his online life is the only thing that can give him back a piece of normalcy and friendship. But you never know what you find lurking in the shadows of a dungeon and so Shiro's life is about to change once again.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, I know this might not be the most creative story but I don't care. I need to get over my writer's block somehow soooo... have fun (I hope).

“Fuck!”

“Language, Lance.”

“Fuck _you_!” The sound of Lance smashing his keyboard reverberated loudly over the speakers. 

“Really, Lance. There are children present.”

“I am _not_ a child.”

“Well, no one addresses you personally, Pidge. But if the shoe fits…”

Shiro leaned back with a grin, listening silently to their bickering. He rolled his shoulders and turned his head from side to side, trying to get rid of the tension that had built up there with the silent thread to stay. His physiotherapist would probably chide him tomorrow for sitting in the same position for so long and Shiro wasn’t sure if saying that playing an online game was a good exercise for his fine motor skill would get him out of it.  
It was a good exercise, though, maybe just not with the intensity he was practicing it. 

“Come on, guys,” Shiro chimed in when Lance said something particularly nasty to Hunk. “We’re all upset it didn’t work out, but it’s just a game, ok? We can try again tomorrow.”

“We’ve been trying to get through this dungeon for _days_ now. I don’t get what we’re doing wrong.”

Shiro shrugged his shoulders, then remembered that his friends couldn't see him. “We need to come up with another plan.” 

“Oh great, I didn’t think of _that_.” Lance’s tone was biting. 

“Maybe we need more support,” Pidge mused. “Maybe Allura is free next time.”

“Or Matt.”

“Who needs _that_ guy.”

“Lance!”

“What?” 

 

“He’s my brother.”

“Whatever we do, we need to do it another time. I need to go to bed or I will go to hell tomorrow at work.”

Shiro glanced at the clock in the right corner of the screen. Hunk was right, it was way too let to try another walkthrough. 

“How can you even sleep with that much sugar in your blood?”

“It’s not that much sugar.” 

“Hunk, I know you. How many cupcakes did you eat tonight?”

“I’m a stress eater, ok? If you want me to be functional as your healer, don’t judge me.”

“Cupcakes is such a Sims way to stay energized, Hunk.”

Shiro chuckled silently, shaking his head. “Guy, seriously. We should call it a night. Are you all free tomorrow so we can try anew?”

“Can you ask Allura if she could join us?” Shiro grinned at the nonchalant way Lance tried to me his question sound. 

“Yes, I can ask her. I can’t guarantee she’s time, though.” 

“That’s fine!” Lance was quick to assure. “Just because... What Pidge said about having more support and stuff…”

“I could ask Matt.” Shiro bit his tongue to not snicker at his suggestion. Everyone in their guild knew about Lance’s not-so-secret-crush on Allura. Why he continued to see Matt as his rival, even though he and Allura had broken up months ago was beyond him. Shiro was glad that their break up had gone smoothly and that they’d all continued to stay friends. Allura and Matt had been together for so long, it made Shiro almost lose his faith in love when everything fell apart. If these two couldn’t make it, who could? He knew it was naive to think there was any hope left for him - not after his accident - but if Allura and Matt had not managed to continue as friends, it would have crushed him. He needed them as his source of happiness by proxy. 

“Fine.” The annoyance was clear in Lance’s words. 

“I’ll ask Allura first, though, ok?”

“Maybe we should recruit new members. With those two being busy so much, we might need other people to fall back to.”

“Maybe.” Hunk yawned wholeheartedly. “But can we please talk about all of this tomorrow? Remember? Work? Hell?”

Even Lance didn’t argue this time and they all quickly said their goodbyes before they logged off the game. Shiro sat there for a moment after his computer had been turned off, leaving him in sudden and total silence. The quiet buzzing of the machine had become so normal in his everyday life, he only ever realized his existence when it was absent. Strange, how uneasy the silence made him feel these days. Before the accident, he’d enjoyed every moment alone. His life had been a lot busier back then. He’d had a job, friends, dates.. it only took about five seconds to take all of this away from him. Five seconds in which the driver next to him lost control over his car and crashed into him, Five seconds to hurl him over the side rail and into the abyss. Five seconds and an eternity to recover. 

If it hadn’t been for Matt and Allura, he’d probably gone mad by now. They’d been the ones to introducing to Monsters and Mana when going outside was an impossible task to master. Shiro had been reluctant to try at first. An online game was something for nerds, right? Not that he had anything against nerds, his best friend was a walking definition of that term, but he’d just thought it wasn’t for him. Shiro was an athlete by heart. He’d studied sports science and had worked as a personal trainer and physiotherapist for years.. he just wasn’t the type to hide behind a computer screen. Or so he’d thought.  
Even with the best prosthesis for his lost arm science had to offer, process was slow. His body was marred, the accident clearly visible in his face. He couldn’t simply go back to where he’d been, no matter how much he wanted to.

 

With a sigh, Shiro got up from his chair to go to the bathroom and get ready for bed. 

Matt had been persistent in his attempt to make him play the game. Shiro had caved when he’d told him it would be the perfect fine motor skill exercise. Matt had been the one working on his arm, after all, so he should know. And Shiro had wanted to get better badly.  
So he’d given it a try, hoping to find a way to get back to his old strength. But what he’d found was so much more. 

At first he’d only played with Matt and Allura, but then Matt’s little sister had joined them and with her, two other of her online friends. They were the first ones to interact with Shiro like a normal human being. In real life, there was no way to hide his trauma and people were acting accordingly. And even though it hurt when some of them held their distance, Shiro hated being coddled way more. The small bunch of friends he’d made online did either of those things. It helped him feel normal, for once. Whole.  
But in the silence of his bathroom, in the reflection of his mirror, he saw the truth.  
Here, he wasn’t the big hero with the huge sword (a choice Matt constantly made fun of) and the floating white hair (a choice that hailed from a joke Matt made in the hospital because of his newly obtained white streak). Here in his bathroom, he was just a simple human being. Pale from the lack of sunshine (because going outside was still hard most days), scarred and one-armed (prosthesis aside) and with a bad haircut (he should probably get it cut but then who cared about how he looked?). 

 

He knew he had to get back to his old life, or what was left of it, back at some point. But it was way scarier than fighting dragons or ogres, so for now, he should stay with that. And them maybe one day he’d be fine with facing his other demons.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I kept the Monsters & Mana names from the show, sooo: 
> 
> Pidge = Maklavar  
> Shiro = Takashi  
> Hunk = Block  
> Allura = Valayun  
> Lance = Pike

“Good morning, sunshine.”

Shiro huffed sleepily, pulling the blanket further over his head. He knew he wouldn’t stand a chance against Matt if he chose to attack, but he didn’t want to get up either. How could it possibly be morning already?

“Come on, Shiro. I don’t have time to play around today, I have a meeting in an hour.”

With a grunt, Shiro complied and struggled against his blanket. There was no way he would allow Matt to be late just because he played too much Monsters and Mana. 

“You look like shit. Have you slept?”

“Thank you. And yes I have.” Just not as much as he should have, and never restful. Nightmares of his accident were still haunting him most of the nights, but Shiro wasn’t about to spill that detail of his life to his friend who was already doing so much for him. Sometimes it felt like Matt was the one working harder on his recovering out of the two of them. He was always coming up with new ways to help him, he’d put weeks of work to customize his new arm, and he was the one picking him up for physiotherapy every time. Going out alone was just something Shiro wasn’t really fond of these days.

Matt handed him a steaming cup of coffee as soon as he sat up on the bed. From the smell of it, Shiro immediately recognized it. His favourite latte with extra milk froth and a hint of cinnamon, made in his favourite coffee shop just down the street. One of the few luxuries he’d allowed himself in his active time as a trainer… it was way too much carb for an everyday drink. Still, Shiro had gotten this drink on a regular basis, back when he’d still been able to go out alone. Matt knew about his past routines. It was a small thing, but Shiro was grateful for it, especially because Matt never really brought it up or made a big deal out of it. 

They chatted a bit while Shiro got dressed and ready for physiotherapy. Shiro knew he was watching his every move and he would be lying if he said he wasn’t a bit proud of the progress he’d made. A few months ago, Matt would have to help him close the button on his pants. But Shiro was able to handle that all by himself now. He was getting better at managing his everyday life. Cooking wasn’t a big deal anymore, neither was cleaning. He’d even started with a few easy beginner’s workout routines, but that was something he held a secret for now. He knew he should be patient and not be overdoing it, the slight pain in his shoulder was another reminder of that (even though that was an online game injury, but how was he supposed to explain that to his physiotherapist? He simply wouldn’t). 

“Sooo,” Matt suspiciously casual started once they were outside the apartment. “This is going quite well today, huh?” 

Shiro knew he was referring to him not having his first almost panic attack as soon as he left the house. 

 

“I’m offended at your low standards for me.”

Matt snorted. “No, but seriously. It _is_ getting a bit easier for you, right?”

“Sometimes.” Shiro shrugged his shoulders. Some days it felt alright to go outside, as long as he wasn’t alone. Going alone was something he didn’t like to think about right now. He’d been alone and helpless when he was jammed between the pieces that had once been his car. Bleeding and scared.  
No. Alone and outside was not something he wanted to try very soon. 

“I’m glad. You’re making good progress.”

The walked down the street in silence for a while after that. Shiro’s eyes were always glued to the next corner, the next tiny part of their journey until the doctor’s office came into view. 

“I think you should get outside more.”

“I’m not letting you set me up with some random guy.”

“He’s not a random guy.”

“Still. Matt, seriously.. I’m not ready for that. Besides, how am I supposed to go on a date? I can’t even go to the physio on my own.”

“I could walk you to the restaurant.”

“Oh, great,” Shiro deadpanned. “Great first expression.”

Matt sighed. “I just want you to be happy.”

“I know. And I’m grateful for that. But a relationship is the last thing I need right now.”

***

“Ok, so how about this guy?” A blue arrow appeared above the head of a buff looking purple warrior.

“A Galra? Ugh.. I hate those guys,” Lance whined. 

“Not all of them are evil, you know?” Hunk said between bites. 

“Hunk, stop eating.”

“I’m a stress eater!”

“We’re not even in the dungeon, yet!”

“Talking to new people is stressful.”

Pidge sighed dramatically. “Fine, go give yourself diabetes.”

“Ok, now when you’re done with arguing… could concentrate on finding another player? Galra guy is already gone offline.” Shiro really loved his little group of friends, but sometimes their bickering drove him crazy. It didn’t help that they were now starting to argue about who's at fault for losing Galra guy. Shiro turned the tiny wheel on his headset, almost muting them. The way he saw it, they’d never find someone to help them with their task like this, so he decided to do it himself. So, what should he look out for? They already had a mage who was their healer, a warrior dwarf, an assassin, a paladin, and an archer, if Allura stayed true to her word and would show up again in a few minutes. Right now, she was away from her keyboard, her character idly chilling on the sidewalk. Hunk was a great healer and Allura had some abilities that allowed her to restore an amount of health in her teammates. Sadly, it came with some loss in the amount of damage she could do. So.. another healer would be overdoing it. With Pidge’s dwarf and his own paladin they also had someone who could absorb the damage of their enemies. What they were really lacking was another damage dealer to support Lance. If they were able to speed up their fights, they might be able to get through this dungeon without constantly dying.

[Valayun] whispers to [Takashi]: What about that rogue over there? I took a look at his skills it seems pretty interesting, if not unusual.  
[Takashi] whispers to [Valayun]: afk, huh? What’s his name?  
[Valayun] whispers to [Takashi]: I _was_ afk. Keith, human, over there at the alley.

Shiro grinned at his screen. Allura probably didn’t have the patience either to deal with the team all the time. He was glad she was looking out for another player, though. When he got truly into the game, he was kind of obsessed with learning everything about it. But Allura and Matt had been playing for so much longer and experience was something you couldn’t get from reading forum posts and wikipedia entries.  
His eyes scanned the crowd for the character Allura had pointed out. Olkarion was usually a very busy place during this time of the day, being one of the biggest cities in the game, so it took some serious squinting until he finally found him. A rogue, dual wielding from the looks of it. He wore light armour, common for a rogue, even though he hadn’t seen this particular piece before. The hood hid almost his entire face under a shadow and from his small frame, he could have been easily mistaken for an elf or Olkari. Most humans chose a bigger frame and therefore looked pretty buff - Shiro was no exclusion from that rule. He figured it kind of made sense though to be more slender as a rogue.  
[Takashi] whispers to [Valayun]: Looks good. I’ll ask.  
[Takashi] whispers to [Keith]: Hi, my group could use another damage dealer. Dare to give us a hand in the [Balmeran Caves]?  
[Valayun] whispers to [Takashi]: k

Shiro listened in to the rest of the team talking while he was waiting for an answer. Pidge’s dwarf was running in circles around Hunk’s mage, who was jumping up and down. They were both giggling over their headphones while Lance noisily condemned their childish behaviour. 

“Sooo.. I asked someone if they want to join us,” Shiro informed them. “Have you seen any other possible candidate if they say no?”

“You asked someone? Without showing us first?” The dwarf stopped running. 

“Sorry, didn’t want to interrupt your choreography.” Shiro said without heat before a movement in his chat window caught his attention.

[Keith] whispers to [Takashi]: Alright. I only have until 8, though.

“They said yes, guys. I’ll send an invite. Allura, are you there?” He shouted the last part a bit louder to keep up her pretense while he typed the invite for Keith into his keyboard. “Ok everyone, play nice. _Lance_?”

“Why do you have to single me out every time?”

 

“Because you alienated the last few players who helped us.”

“That’s not true.”

“It is.” Pidge and Hunk sighed in unison. Lance’s grumbling almost drowned out Allura’s reply and again, the tiny chat window tickled upwards with new information as Shiro tried to suppress his laughter to calm everyone else down. 

[Keith] has joined [Form Voltron!]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading <3


	3. Chapter 3

Shiro had been strangely giddy since they’d entered the dungeon. He’d been stiff and sore after physiotherapy and mostly inactive for the rest of the day until now. It was something he’d always hated. Shiro was a man of action, someone who’d always thought going for a run was the best way to relax (a fact for which he’d often gotten ‘the look’ from Matt, who liked binging shows or playing games in his downtime).  
Going out for a run wasn’t an option right now and maybe it wouldn’t be for a while. But his paladin had taken on this task for him. He and his group were running along the paths Shiro had memorized from the seemingly countless times they’d walked them while failing this mission. They’d had enough time to practice every fight, but having Keith on their time was a significant improvement. They were so much _faster_ and everything had gone smoothly. Up until now. 

The loud roar of the monster’s battle cry echoed through Shiro’s headset as he lunged at the creature once again. They’d never come that far in this particular dungeon, but now their luck seemed to have left them.  
They were so close! The boss was almost down but unfortunately, the group didn’t fare any better. 

“I need healing!” Lance's voice was high with tension. 

“I’m out of mana.” Hunk’s mage was running in circles to avoid being eaten by a dragonling. Shiro had tried to get the beast’s attention but somehow it had only made things worse. 

“Allura?”

“I can’t help, either.” Allura had retreated to a ledge, out of reach of the creatures, but also not in range to do much damage. Her healing bar was dangerously low. Shiro noticed how his shoulders got uncomfortable tight again as glanced at his own states. The tiny red bar indicating his health was threatening to put an end on this fight too soon once again.  
Right above his own character stats, Hunk’s tiny icon changed into a skull. 

“Sorry, guys. This thing was very hungry.”

“Maybe you should have lured it away with your swee-... Fuck!” Pidge cursed loudly when her own character got stunned.

 _Shit_. They were not going to make it. Lance and Keith dissolved in smoke, going into stealth mode. Shiro had somewhere lost track of the two of them in this final fight, something he chided himself for harshly because that probably shouldn’t happen to a team leader. Maybe he simply wasn’t good enough. Maybe his team wasn't good enough. Keith seemed to play in a completely different league and Shiro had watched him in awe at the beginning of the dungeon. Keith didn’t really react when he complimented his fighting style in the group chat, but maybe talking to a bunch of what had to seem like total noobs was beyond him. Or he just wasn’t very talkative in general.

Shiro held his breath when the monster appeared right in front of him with a loud screech, too lost in his thought to have foreseen the move. He held out his shield in an attempt to block the attack, well aware that it would be useless against what was about to come. His shoulders already sagged in frustration, but suddenly a flash of movement appeared in front of him. 

Keith. He was a storm of knives and explosives, and while he was taking the hit for Shiro (how had he managed to go through this fight with next to no damage as a melee fighter?), he stayed alive and used his surprise attack to finish off the boss in less than ten seconds.

“Wow,” Shiro whispered, starring as the game announced their success. 

“We won? Wait… how did this happen?” Lance’s character appeared next to Shiro and Keith, circling them. 

“This guy is crazily good.” 

“Pidge! What happened?” 

“Keith finished off the boss, but first, he threw himself in front of Shiro and rescued him.”

“What? Why? That’s such a dramatic and unnecessary move.”

“Thanks, Lance,” Shiro remarked dryly. 

[Takashi]: @Keith thanks for the rescue  
[Keith]: np

“Aww, I think it’s cute.”

“Hunk, you might be my only friend here. At least _someone_ wants me not to die.” 

“No one asked for your opinion, Hunk.”

“Play nice, Lance.”

“Alright, alright…”

[Pike]: @Keith you’re pretty good! i almost feel bad next to you. 

“See? Don’t say I _alianate_ new players ever again. I can be nice.”

[Takashi] whispers to [Keith]: Thanks for helping us out. We wouldn’t have been able to win without you.  
[Keith]: @Pike you’re not bad.  
[Keith] whispers to [Takashi]: You just needed a bigger team. 

“Not bad? Not _bad_?! What an ass. I’m amazing!”

“You were going fishing for compliments and he didn’t bite. That’s life, Lance, get over it,” Pidge said while Shiro could hear her typing in the background. 

[Meklavar]:@Keith Thanks, man. I don’t think we would have made it without you. You don’t seem to be in any other guild so I’ll just be blunt: Do you want to join our little team?

“ _What_? You can’t just ask him to join us. Shouldn’t we discuss it, first?” 

“We were so much better with him, Lance.”

“I agree. We could use a rogue like him.” Shiro grinned at Allura’s words. Lance would not like that.

“We already have a rogue! _Me.” ...and he was right._

“I think having a new team member could be fun,” Hunk stated diplomatically. “What do you think, Shiro?” 

“Sure. And I think having too rogues is not that bad.” 

[Keith]: I don’t know. I’m not really a good team player.  
[Meklavar]: You were playing pretty good in this team.  
[Meklavar]: Look, just think about it. We are a small team, but we have a lot of fun playing together.  
[Meklavar]: Maybe just try it. If you don’t have fun or don’t like us, you can leave. No hard feelings. 

Shiro watched the chat, not even half listening to Lance’s complaints. Hunk would probably calm him down eventually. 

[Keith]: Ok.  
[Meklavar]: Great :DD  
[Block]: Welcome to the team!  
[Takashi]: Nice to have you on the team, Keith :)  
[Valayun]: Welcome!  
[Pike]: @Keith so now that’s you’re part of the team… why did you name your character keith? 

“Lance,” Pidge groaned. 

_“What?_ It’s a valid question.” 

[Keith]: It’s just my name.  
[Pike]: you used your rl name for your character?!  
[Keith]: Is there a problem? It's my name. It's easier this way.  
[Meklavar]: it’s ok, Keith. Lance can be a bit weird sometimes. Don’t think too much of it.  
[Keith]: Who’s Lance?  
[Pike]: it’s me. i’m lance.  
[Keith]: See? It’s confusing. 

“Lance, I know you’re not happy that Pidge’s asked Keith to join us without asking you first. But that’s not Keith’s fault.” Shiro tried his best to use his stern voice. 

[Takashi]: Don’t worry, Keith. You’re not the only one who uses his rl name in game. 

“That’s not the same,” Lance grumbled. He was right. Shiro had used Takashi when the game asked for his character’s name because he hadn’t known that everyone else took fantasy names. He’d even used Takashi because it was more formal. No one ever called him that in real life. 

[Keith]: Your name is Takashi?  
[Takashi]: Yes, but everyone calls me Shiro.  
[Block]: I’m Hunk  
[Valayun]: Allura :)  
[Meklavar]: Katie, but everyone calls me Pidge.  
[Keith]: I’ll try to remember it 

Shiro couldn’t help but smile. Usually, when they were taking temporary team members on their missions, no one was really making an effort to get to know them. With the limited amount of people he met in real life these days, adding someone to his small circle of online friends had a nice feeling to it. When Keith said after a few more minutes that he had to go, he hoped that it wasn’t just an easy way to dodge them. Shiro knew his friends could be a bit much sometimes, but they were good people.  
The giddiness he’d felt earlier came back to him in a short rush when he opened his guild menu and added Keith as a member. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> again thanks for reading :) I know these chapters are short but this way I'm able to update more frequently and that's something, right?


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for all the kudos and nice comments! it's very much appreciated and I'm so glad you're enjoying this story :) 
> 
> as a reminder (and because I needed to glace at my cheat sheet while writing this):  
> Pidge = Meklavar  
> Lance = Pike  
> Hunk = Block  
> Allura = Valayun
> 
> at least Shiro and Keith keep things less confusing, right?

[Keith]: I just think you would do better if you changed some of your skills. Just to balance your character out a bit better.  
[Pike]: oh yeah?  
[Meklavar]: That’s just Lance’s way of asking for help.  
[Takashi]: I think we could all look into the link Keith sent us. Looks like there are a few really helpful tips, to be honest. 

“Are you seriously reading this stuff right now?” Lance was obviously sulking again. 

“Yes, and I meant what I said. There’s really good advice.”

“Shiro’s right,” Hunk chimed in. Keith had been in the guild for a few days now and so far, everything’s gone well aside from Lance usual petty remarks. Shiro suspected that Lance mostly gave Keith a hard time because they shared the same class (and because _Allura_ had commented on that the day they met). Either way, Keith didn’t seem to mind too much and he was a great addition to their team, at least when it came to playing. On a social level, Keith was not a rude or mean guy, but he wasn’t as talkative as the rest of them. Which was probably due to the fact that they still hadn’t invited him to teamspeak, because ‘that’s like second base for a guildie’ as Lance insisted.

“At least give it a chance, Lance. He’s not trying to attack you, he’s trying to help all of us. Meklavar will definitely go through some changes, soon.”

“Pidge is right,” Hunk said.

 

[Block]: Thank you, Keith.  
[Keith]: Np 

“Ok, ok. Maybe you’re right.”

“Good, now that _that’s_ sorted out, we could go on an actual mission, right?” 

“Absolutely, Pidge. Just give me a minute, I need to use the bathroom before I’m bound to the chair for hours.” Shiro didn’t wait for their acknowledgment. He typed a short afk into the chatroom so Keith knew he wasn’t ignoring him. They definitely needed to invite him to teamspeak, soon, no matter what Lance said.

In the bathroom he took a careful look into the mirror, as usual. It was still something he needed to get used to, even after all this time. He’d never been vain, but the huge scar on his face had left a dent on his ego. Why did it have to be his face on top of all of it? It was such a visible sign of how broken he was and it was out there for everyone else to see.  
With a sigh he left the bathroom again, ignoring the nagging thought that he should try to get outside more, seeing that his skin tone wasn’t so different from that of his white bathroom tiles anymore. This was a problem for another time, now he had a game to play, and so he sat down at the desk and started talking before having his headset even fully on. 

“Guys, I’m back, so we can..-” He stopped. The sound of fighting rang through his ears. There were a bunch of cloaked rogues slaughtering his friends. Pike and Block lay already dead on the ground, his own character next to them. Pidge’s dwarf was struggling to stay alive and Keith was nowhere to be seen. “What the…?” 

“Shiro! These assholes came out of nowhere!” Angry Lance was a screamer Shiro quickly adjusted the volume. 

“Who are those guys?”

 

“I have no idea,” Pidge murmured clearly frustrated as Meklavar sank to the ground. Their attackers stood there motionless for another five seconds before they suddenly vanished. 

“What the..”

[Pike]: @Keith coward!

“Lance, what the.. what happened?”

“Oh my God! This little ass muted me!”

“Keith?”

“Who else?”

“Ok.” Shiro furrowed his brow. “I need you all to calm down and tell me what happened.”

“We were waiting for you to come back and then this group showed up and started killing us,” Hunk explained. 

“And while we were all fighting for our lives, Keith just ran off!”

Shiro let himself sink back further into the chair as he started to revive Takashi. The advantage of talking to your friends online was that he didn’t even have to suppress the urge to roll his eyes as Lance talked himself into a frenzy over having to die like this. At least he knew he wasn’t the only one when Pidge spoke up.

“It was pretty shitty. But we’ll be ready to start again in a few moments.”

[Takashi] whispers to [Keith]: Hey, what happened?

But Keith didn’t answer. After a few moments, Shiro checked his profile for his whereabouts. “Arus?” He whispered in surprise. He thought Keith had might run to a nearby town when the fight got out of hand to save himself the damage on his armour, but Arus was so far off the radar it made caught him by surprise.

“What’s with Arus?” Hunk asked. 

“Nothing... Just... Keith is there.”

“That’s.. a long way from here.”

[Pike]: @Keith Maybe we should follow you to Arus and kick your ass

“Lance!”

“What? He can’t read me anyway.”

Shiro ignored them and instead activated his teleportation stone as soon as Takashi was back among the living. 

“Shiro? Where are you going?”

“Arus.” The stone had been among the things he’d gotten out of a dungeon a while ago. He’d never really known what to do with it since it could only transport one person and he was always traveling with a group of people. 

“Are you going to kick his ass for us?”

“No, I just want to talk to him.” Shiro turned off his headphone when Lance started complaining again. He didn’t need this right now. He didn’t really know why he cared, but he had a feeling that something was wrong with Keith and as team leader, he should look out for his team. He traveled to Arus in rare silence, only answering to Pidge’s whispered question if everything was ok. 

[Takashi] whispers to [Meklavar]: I’m fine. I just need to figure this out and I don’t need Lance blaring in my ears the whole time. You can go on a quest without me or do some farming is you want to. I’ll get back to you soon. 

Finding Keith was not easy, but eventually, Shiro spotted his transparent stealth form in the vicinity of a lake somewhere in the middle of nowhere. He moved Takashi next to him and sat down. It was an odd thing to do, considering he didn’t need to be close to Keith to talk to him. But somehow it felt like the right thing to do. It was what he would do to a friend in real life, after all. 

[Takashi] whispers to [Keith]: Hey, I’m not mad. I just want to know what happened. Are you ok?

Keith’s answer took so long Shiro was half expected him to be away from keyboard. But then his chat window started rolling. 

[Keith] whispers to [Takashi]: I know I messed up. Just throw me out of your guild already. I told you I was not a good team player.  
[Takashi] whispers to [Keith]: I don’t want to kick you out. It’s not like you killed my great-grandmother, Keith. We just needed to start from the graveyard, it’s not a big deal.  
[Keith] whispers to [Takashi]: Lance seems to think otherwise.  
[Takashi] whispers to [Keith]: Lance is prone to overreacting and he doesn’t speak for the whole group. Seriously, it’s not a big deal. I just want to know if you’re ok.  
[Keith] whispers to [Takashi]: Didn’t take much damage.  
[Takashi] whispers to [Keith]: I mean emotionally. 

Shiro watched the chat closely, waiting for an answer. It only just occurred to him that he knew nothing about Keith, even though they had been playing together for almost a week now. Sure, a week wasn’t a long time, but his team was constantly chatting about everything. That Keith wasn’t exactly keen of babbling along had been clear from the start, but he’d never told them anything personal so far. 

[Keith] whispers to [Takashi]: Why do you care?

That simple phrase made Shiro’s stomach twist. 

[Takashi] whispers to [Keith]: Because you’re part of my guild and I like the thought of us becoming friends. 

_[Valayun] is online._

[Takashi] whispers to [Keith]: Look, I won’t push. If you don’t want to, you don’t have to talk. But I’m here to listen and I promise secrecy.

Shiro let out an audible breath. If Keith didn’t want to talk, it would probably become a problem sooner or later, but Shiro didn’t want to tell him that. _If_ he decided to talk, he could tell the other that there’s a reason for his behaviour - which would be especially important for Lance. They didn’t need to know what was going on, just that Keith had explained things. 

 

[Valayun] whispers to [Takashi]: Everything alright?  
[Takashi] whispers to [Valayun]: Yes, just looking after Keith for a moment. Is the team alright?  
[Valayun] whispers to [Takashi]: Don’t worry, I’ll keep them alive ;)  
[Takashi] whispers to [Valayun]: You’re an angel!  
[Valayun] whispers to [Takashi]: No, I’m an _archer_

Shiro snorted silently at Allura’s joke, then counted his own courser in the text field blink a few more times. He said he wouldn’t push, but… 

[Takashi] whispers [Keith]: What about talking about something else, first? Just to get to know each other a bit.  
[Keith] whispers to [Takashi]: What do you want to talk about?  
[Takashi] whispers to [Keith]: Maybe just the basics for a start. How old are you? (you can always say ‘pass’ if you don’t want to answer and you can ask back)  
[Keith] whispers to [Takashi]: I’m 24. How old are you?

That was easier than expected. 

[Takashi] whispers to [Keith]: I’m 29. Not a big age difference :) Where do you live?  
[Keith] whispers to [Takashi]: Garryville  
[Takashi] whispers to [Keith]: Oh, we live pretty close to each other, then. Pidge and Allura live around here, too. Hunk and Lance are about three hours away.  
[Keith] whispers to [Takashi]: Do you all know each other in rl? 

Shiro felt a rush of giddiness again at Keith’s first question. It was the same rush he got during missions. He wanted Keith to open up to him, to stay in their guild. They were so much better with him on a team plus Shiro could use some new friends these days. 

[Takashi] whispers to [Keith]: I’ve never met Hunk and Lance. Allura is a friend of mine and Pidge is the little sister of another friend. Pidge’s brother is the one who got me into this game.  
[Keith] whispers to [Takashi]: You all seem very familiar.  
[Takashi] whispers to [Keith]: That’s because we’ve been playing together for a while now. If you decide to stay with us, you will get sucked into this mess that is our friendship soon enough ;)

Keith stayed quiet at this, so Shiro decided to ask another question before things could get awkward. 

[Takashi] whispers to [Keith]: What do you do for a living?  
[Keith] whispers to [Takashi]: I teach self defense  
[Takashi] whispers to [Keith]: You do really important work, then.  
[Keith] whispers to [Takashi]: What do you do for a living?  
[Pike] whispers to [Takashi]: will you ever come back to us? 

Shiro took a deep breath. Keith’s question was pure small talk and a while ago, his answer would have made him proud. Things were more difficult right now so he decided to answer Lance’s question first to gather his courage. 

[Takashi] whispers to [Pike]: Miss me already? If Allura gets to hear this...  
[Takashi] whispers to [Keith]: I’m a physiotherapist and trainer. I’m recovering from an accident right now, though. 

Keith’s answer came quickly this time. 

[Keith] whispers to [Takashi]: I’m sorry to hear that  
[Pike] whispers to [Takashi]: being mean seems to be infections. don’t spend so much time with keith!  
[Keith] whispers to [Takashi]: Do you want to tell me what happened?  
[Takashi] whispers to [Keith]: Maybe that’s a story for another day  
[Keith] whispers to [Takashi]: Sure. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be nosy.  
[Takashi] whispers to [Keith]: It’s a valid question. It’s just a really long story and I’m not sure I’m in the right mood to talk about it today. But if you’re truly interested, I can tell you another time.  
[Pike] whispers to [Takashi]: don’t ignore me!  
[Takashi] whispers to [Pike]: Being around you was all the bad influence I needed. Don’t blame Keith for this.  
[Pike] whispers to [Takashi]: >:(((  
[Keith] whispers to [Takashi]: I’d like that  
[Keith] whispers to [Takashi]: I’m sorry I left the team to die like this.  
[Takashi] whispers to [Keith]: It’s not like we got killed irl, Keith. It’s not a big deal. I’m sure you had your reasons.  
[Keith] whispers to [Takashi]: Yes. But maybe that’s another story for another time as well. 

 

Shiro smiled at the screen. This wasn’t going so bad so far, especially considering Keith’s obvious reluctance to open up to other people. Baby steps. 

[Keith] whispers to [Takashi]: I can pay for the repair for your armour, if that helps.  
[Takashi] whispers to [Keith]: that’s really not necessary, but thanks for offering :)  
[Takashi] whispers to [Keith]: What do you think? Are you ready to go on another quest with us? 

[Keith] whispers to [Takashi]: Are you sure the rest of the team even wants me to tag along?  
[Takashi] whispers to [Keith]: Sure! They weren’t mad, just confused.  
[Keith] whispers to [Takashi]: Idk. Lance sounded pretty mad.  
[Takashi] whispers to [Keith]: As I said, Lance tends to be a little dramatic. Just let him bitch for a while, he’ll calm down  
[Keith] whispers to [Takashi]: Ok then. A quest sounds nice  
[Takashi] whispers to [Keith]: Great :) Just give me a minute to figure out what we want to do.  
[Takashi] whispers to [Valayun]: We’ll be back with you soon. Think you can convince the team of not nagging Keith about what happened?  
[Valayun] whispers to [Takashi]: Sure :) 

Shiro waited for another few minutes before he turned his headphone back on. 

“...-act like a total weirdo!” Lance grumbled right into his ears. 

“Hey guys, I’m back. Are you ready to go on a mission?” Shiro said extra cheery. 

“Hi Shiro,” Hunk greeted friendly. “Everything sorted out? Is Keith ok?”

“Yeah, why did he run off like this.”

“Let’s just say he had his reasons and he feels bad for it. So.. don’t be mean, alright?”

“Alright,” Pidge said. “So Allura said you’ll both be with us soon? Where are you right now?”

“Arus. We can meet up as soon as we decide on where to go. So.. ideas?”

“There are some quests we haven’t done on Arus. So what about we meet you there?”

“Good idea.” Shiro was glad the rest of the team was so quick to accept Keith back that easy. Not even Lance was really protesting. 

[Takashi]: @Keith we can stay here at Arus. The rest of the team is going to meet us here.  
[Keith]: Alright  
[Meklavar]: @Keith glad you’re back :)  
[Block]: @Keith hey man, you really need to join us in voice chat, by the way. all this typing is distracting.  
[Pike]: uh, he unmuted me. welcome back, asshole!

“Lance!”

[Keith]:@Block I’m going to buy a headset tomorrow  
[Pike]: OH MY GOD HE MUTED ME AGAIN!


	5. Chapter 5

“That was intense,” Shiro chuckled as he rolled his shoulders. He ignored the loud popping sound in his joint for now, filing away for later that he needed to do some extra exercise tomorrow. The team had started with a mission and ended with a dungeon, one that Shiro hadn’t even dreamt to go on a few weeks ago. 

[Block]: @Keith your kill count is incredible  
[Meklavar]: Yes! I wish I was a rogue just to learn all your fancy knife moves  
[Keith]: It’s not that complicated. You all did pretty great  
[Pike]: idk, man. i have to admit you were not this bad

Pidge and Hunk snorted simultaneously. 

“That was very nice of you,” Allura said warmly. 

“Yes, Lance can be _nice_ sometimes,” Hunk teased, which caused another snicker from Pidge. Shiro just grinned silently, his eyes on Keith’s avatar. He’d changed his armour slight a bit and the hood wasn’t concealing his face anymore. He zoomed closer to get a better look at his sharp features. Keith had a thing for character design, that much was obvious. Keith looked gorgeous in game with intense purple eyes and dark hair in a stark contrast to pale skin.  
Shiro had tried to make Takashi look like him as much as possible. The only real difference was Takashi’s hair colour, the fact that he had two functioning arms and no scar on his face. Shiro asked himself what Keith looked like in real life. Did he make his character look different or did he try to archive some assemblance?

“Shiro?”

“Huh?” Shiro zoomed away from Keith’s face as if burnt. “What?”

“We were just wondering if you fell asleep,” Pidge giggled. “Allura already said goodbye and we’re all about to logout. See you tomorrow?”

“Tomorrow evening? Ah, sorry… I... can’t.”

“Uh, Shiro’s busy. Are you going on a date?”

“You tell me, Lance. Allura’s coming over tomorrow.”

“Huh, I’m not worried. I know you’d be more lusting after Matt.”

“Ugh, no. No way,” Shiro chuckled. “Although he’ll be there, too.”

“Alright, so we just play without you tomorrow. See you on Sunday, then. I need to go to sleep, I have to study tomorrow.”

“Night, Pidge!”  
“Yeah, my bed’s calling me, too. Don’t forget we have an event tomorrow as well, Lance! Night, Shiro.”

“Sleep tight, Hunk.”

After saying his goodbye to Lance as well, Shiro stared at his screen again. Keith was still standing next to Takashi. He quickly scanned the chat, seeing that everyone had said their good nights there as well. 

[Takashi]: I guess you’re going to bed, too.   
[Keith]: Not necessarily. I can accompany you if you want to go on another mission  
[Takashi]: Aren’t you tired?  
[Keith]: Not really

Shiro glanced at the little clock on the right side of his screen. 1:23 - not the latest he’s been up to playing, especially on a Friday, but usually he was in bed by this hour. Strangely, though, he wasn’t really tired, either.

[Takashi]: Alright :) What do you want to do?

They decided on some mission not far off Olkari. Fighting together felt a bit bumpy at first, because Shiro was used to play in a whole group, but he quickly got a hang of just fighting alongside Keith. That Keith was the more experienced player had been obvious for a while and Shiro had to give him some credit for never speaking ill of his lacking abilities. Shiro had met those gamers before, people they’d taken on missions or dungeons and who’d thrown a fit about what a bunch of noobs they were. Their guild wasn’t supposed to be elite, they were just a bunch of people having fun in a pretty casual guild. Surprisingly, not everyone was fine with that. 

[Takashi]: How long have you been playing?   
[Keith]: A while.   
[Takashi]: It shows, your technique is great  
[Keith]: Thanks. Yours is good, too  
[Takashi]: Well, I fit more into the casual gamer niche ;) you’re a whole other level  
[Keith]: Nothing wrong about being casual  
[Takashi]: I’m glad you can see it this way. Most gamers like to go hardcore on this  
[Keith]: Believe me, doing this isn’t fun. I know what I’m talking about

Shiro’s fingers itched with questions. Would it be too much to ask about Keith’s background? But then he’d already given a hint, right? He decided not to push his luck too far. 

[Takashi]: Do you want to talk about it?   
[Keith]: Let’s just say my old guild was taking this game a bit too serious  
[Takashi]: I’m extra glad you’re with us now, then   
[Keith]: Me too 

The goofy smile that was plastered on Shiro’s face made him all the more grateful that he was alone in his room right now. For all the days they’d been playing together, he’d never been sure if Keith was enjoying himself. 

[Takashi]: I know the guild can be a bit much sometimes, but they’re all good people. You will get to know them better once you have a headset :)  
[Keith]: I’m sure of it. I’m afraid I have to go to bed, now. I have to teach a class in the morning but I’ll try to buy a headphone later today. When will you be online again? 

Shiro glanced at the clock again. It was almost 3:00 a.m.. he really should be going to bed right now. Keith would probably be in hell tomorrow if he was about to teach a class. 

[Takashi]: I won’t make it tonight. Allura and Pidge’s brother are coming over. But the rest of the team is online  
[Keith]: Alright. Then I’ll see you on Sunday?  
[Takashi]: Looking forward to it :)   
[Keith]: Good night, Shiro. 

It took him a while to fall asleep this time, even though his mind was already foggy from being awake for too long. But whenever Shiro closed his eyes, he saw Keith and Takashi fighting side by side, running over their enemies as if it was nothing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> do you already know all the character's names? ;)


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really sorry for the lack of updates! My body decided that summer was the perfect time to fall ill :/ I'm still not back on my feet but at least I'm well enough to sit on my laptop for a little while. I wrote this chapter before I got sick but I'm not sure my brain was well enough to do the right amount of editing. so... I hope it makes sense? I'll be back with a new chapter (and more frequent updates) as soon as I can

Shiro woke up from weird dreams, his body drenched in sweat. His back was hurting, reminding him that sitting in the same position for too long seemed to turn him into an old man these days. But when he thought back on last night, it was totally worth it. Their new guildie was slowly opening up to him and he would join them in voice chat tonight. Shiro was a bit sad he wasn’t there to be the first to greet him, but he trusted his team to give him a proper welcome. Even Lance.  
Shiro got up with a tiny groan. He needed to go through his morning exercises soon, so he’d have enough time to clean his apartment, shower and cook for Allura and Matt. When the two of them had still been a couple, dinner nights was an almost weekly thing for them. It became less regularly once they split up, but Shiro was glad they still saw each other every few weeks to eat and hang out. It was a break from his usual dull daily routine. 

Every morning he did some basic training. And just as every day, he cursed his arm when it refused to cooperate with the rest of his body. Today was probably a good day to bring up a few problems with Matt, considering he was the one overseeing the progress on his prosthetic. 

He sighed as the mess his apartment had become. He used to be a very tidy person, but lately, it had become harder to keep up with cleaning. Why, he wasn’t exactly sure. It wasn’t like he was too busy or that it didn’t bother him when everything around him looked messy. But on some days, he just couldn’t bring himself to do something about it.  
Today, this wasn’t an option, though, and so he threw himself into work. It took longer than expected in the end and he had to rush to shower and start cooking before the doorbell announced his guests. 

 

“Shiro!” Matt rammed into his arms the moment he opened the door, causing Shiro to stumble back a few steps with a silent ‘uff’. 

“Don’t act like you didn’t see me a few days ago.”

“But I used to see you almost every day! I’ve missed you.”

“Matt.” Allura entered behind him with a fond roll of her eyes. “Don’t overwhelm him.” 

“He’s used to it.”

“I am.” Shiro struggled out of Matt’s vice-like embrace to hug Allura instead. “Hello Allura, it’s nice to see you in real life, for once.”

Allura’s arms wrapped around him like a warm blanket. “We should really do this more often. Talking to you online just doesn’t cut it.” 

“Don’t crowd the man, Allura.” 

Shiro tried not to snicker at their playful bickering. Back when they’d been together, this would have counted as flirting. What it was now, he had yet to figure out, but as long as they were happy, he wouldn’t think too hard about it. 

“Thank you both for coming.”

“Thank you for having us. So.. what’s for dinner?” 

Shiro led them to his kitchen where Allura and Matt sat down at his table and poured some wine for all of them. Before his accident, they’d often cooked together, but at one point _after_ said accident, Shiro prided himself with being able to chop and cook all by himself. It was one of the small achievements of autonomy he still had and his friend accepted it by simply holding him company while he prepared their meal. 

“So, Matt, anything new in your life?” Shiro asked Matt while stirring in his pan. 

“You tell me. I’ve heard you met someone new online.”

“What? Where’s that information coming from?”

Matt shot a quick glance at Allura, who raised a quizzical eyebrow. 

“Allura told me.”

 

“When?”

“When we were on our way to your place. It doesn’t matter,” Matt made a dismissive wave with his hand. “So, who is he?” 

“You mean Keith? Uh.. he’s our new guildie. He’s a rogue and pretty good at his class… like.. way of our league.”

“That’s true,” Allura confirmed with a snort.

“But somehow he decided to stay.” Shiro raised his glass at Allura as a sign of their small victory. 

“Is he nice?”

“He seems like a nice guy, yes. A bit shy maybe? But I’m sure it’ll be easier for him to open up once we invite him into voice chat.”

“Either that or he’s gonna run off screaming.”

Matt chuckled at that. “I’ll make sure to join you online as soon as I have the time. I want to get to know him.”

“Yeah, you’ve been neglecting your druid responsibilities lately. We’re all _very_ disappointed in you.”

“I’m sorry, Allura, a man has to work in order to eat.” Matt gestured towards himself dramatically. “Speaking of work.. how’s your arm doing, Shiro?”

 

Allura started tapping away on her phone as Shiro got into the problems he’d been experiencing with his arm. He couldn’t blame her. It wasn’t that she wasn’t interested in his progress, but she simply didn’t understand nor was able to help with his problems. 

“Didn’t Keith say he’d join the voice chat tonight?” She asked into one of the little pauses that always happened when Matt had to write something down about Shiro’s arm. 

“Well, he said he’d buy a headset, why?”

“Lance says he didn’t show up.”

Shiro shrugged his shoulders absently while he watched Matt writing. “It was pretty late last night and he said he had to teach a class in the morning. Maybe he just needed some rest.”

“Have you been playing all night again?” Matt glanced up with a grin. “I thought that was something for _nerds_.”

“It wasn’t _that_ late,” Allura said a bit defensively. Shiro wasn’t sure if she was defending him or herself or the both of them. “I think we all went to bed around 1 a.m or so?”

“We kept playing after you all logged out,” Shiro clarified. “I think we stopped at 3.”

“You played without us? Why didn’t you tell me? I would have stayed a while longer, too!” 

“Maybe they wanted to be alone,” Matt mused, not even looking up this time. But Shiro knew him long enough to catch the suggestive note his voice carried. 

“Don’t be ridiculous. Better focus your energy on what’s going on with my arm.” That seemed to do the trick. At least for now. 

“I just need to do some slight adjustments, but you need to come to my lab.”

The prospect of visiting Matt’s lab was nothing Shiro could find himself looking forward to. It reminded him too much of how lost he’d felt after the accident, how looking at the stump of his arm had nearly made him throw up every time he looked at it. Just thinking about it now felt like a punch to the gut. Matt’s prosthetic had given him back some normalcy in his life and that was something he was extremely grateful for. But the progress of wiring his nerves to the tech had been painful to say at least. 

“Alright.” He swallowed down his discomfort and masked it with a small smile. “Just pick me up when you find the time.”

Matt nodded a few times in acknowledgment while finishing up his notes. Then he closed his little grey book, crossed his legs and looked at Shiro intensely. 

“So.. back to Keith.”

“What about him?”

“You tell me. You’re going on missions with him… alone.” He raised his eyebrow with a smirk, which only triggered a snort from Shiro. 

“Don’t make it sound like a date, Matt. It’s not like slaughtering orcs is a romantic walk on the beach.”

“Yes, don’t think too much of it. We’ve only just met Keith,” Allura chimed in. 

“Be quiet, you.” Matt pointed at her. “We’re talking about you texting with Lance all night in a bit.”

“No, we won’t, because that’s none of your business.” Allura grinned at Matt who gave her a look of mock shock. “Either way.” She turned back to Shiro. “I’m glad Keith is slowly opening up to you. I think he’s a nice guy and I really want him to stay in our guild. Maybe with your help, he can settle into the group more easily.”

“I hope so, too.”

“You could be his _paladin_ ,” Matt snickered. 

“Ok, I officially will never talk to you about this ever again.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so excited about all the great news from comic con that I just had to put this up here today! :D I hope this isn't too messy, I can't concentrate on editing right now
> 
> (and I'm sorry again this took so long. My body is a little bitch and I'm still not fully recovered)

“Hi guys.” Shiro nodded at his screen with a smile, even though no one was able to see him. After Allura and Matt had left yesterday, he’d been starting to feel a bit lonely during the day. It was frustrating that he couldn’t bring himself to swallow down his fear and just go out and _meet_ people. He missed just having coffee with his friends on a lazy sunday morning, he missed strolling through the park aimlessly, he missed going to work.. there were so many things he’d like to do. But the only one who was actually going out on adventures was Takashi. At least Shiro was along for that ride - and he wasn’t alone in this reality it a way it breached into his own.

“Oh, hello, our great leader,” Pidge greeted him cheerfully. “How was date night with my brother?”

“Ew,” Shiro answered chuckling. “Please don’t use date and Matt in the same sentence. It’s weird.”

“Are you saying my brother isn’t sexy?” 

“No.. I.. God, Pidge..” Shiro shook his head. “It’s getting even weird when it’s _you_ asking these questions.”

“Yeah, you know I’m totes ok with Shiro’s gay shit, but I draw the line with sister and brother stuff,” Lance informed her. 

“Gross!”

“Yes, gross. But thanks for supporting my gay shit, I guess,” Shiro chuckled. 

“You know we love you, Shiro.”

“Thanks, Hunk.” Shiro made himself comfortable in his chair. “So.. what did I miss? Did you go win the game without me yesterday?”

He grinned when Lance mumbled ‘win the game’ under his breath. It had become kind of a running gag between them. When Shiro had first started playing, he’d been convinced that there was a way to actually reach a final stage in the story where you either win or lose. 

“We didn’t do that much. Just some farming and light quests.” Shiro could almost hear the tiny shrug of Pidge’s shoulders.

“Sounds nice.”

“Yeah, well… We would’ve like to do more but since you and Allura were indispensable and _Keith_ chose not to show up we didn’t have much of a choice.” There was a certain amount of heat in Lance’s voice that didn’t go unnoticed. 

“Keith didn’t show up?”

“Yeah, I hope he’s alright,” Hunk said. “We were waiting for an hour but since we have no way to contact him..”

“I’m sure he’s alright,” Lance scoffed. “He just knew that we planned to invite him to voice chat.”

“Why would that be a reason to stay offline?” Hunk seemed genuinely puzzled. 

“Maybe he’s scared to talk to us because he’s an old grumpy man in real life and we would definitely detect that from his voice.”

“Or a twelve-year-old girl!” 

“Guys,” Shiro said a bit impatiently. “Just because he hasn’t been online yesterday doesn’t mean a thing. Some people have other things to do on their weekends.”

“Maybe he had a _date_ ,” Pidge said with barely contained laughter. “I mean… Allura wasn’t here, either. _Coincident_?”

Before Lance could even begin to splutter, Shiro decided to put an end to that line of conversation. Keith definitely didn’t need more mistrust in this department. 

“Allura was with _me_ , Pidge. Remember?”

“At least that’s what you two have _told_ us.”

“ _Pidge_!”

_[Keith] is online._

“Ha! Speaking of the devil!” Shiro could hear Lance typing away on his keyboard immediately.

“Be nice,” he warned.

[Pike]: @Keith where were you yesterday?! 

“That’s not playing nice.”

[Takashi] Hi Keith  
[Keith]: What do you care?  
[Keith]: Hello Shiro

“I didn’t call him names or shit.”

“You didn’t say hello, either,” Pidge reminded him. 

“I would have said hello _yesterday_.”

[Pike]: you weren’t online!  
[Keith]: I didn’t know I was supposed to be online  
[Pike]: of course you were! we were all waiting  
[Keith]: How was I supposed to know?  
[Keith]:Shiro told me he had something to do and that Allura would be there with him.  
[Pike]: but the rest of us said we would be there.  
[Keith]: Maybe over voice chat.

“Eh.. I think he’s right, Lance,” Hunk said a bit sheepishly. Shiro only sighed. 

[Takashi]: I’m sorry, Keith. I should have clarified that.  
[Keith]: It’s ok. I had stuff to do anyway and it’s not like I wouldn’t have come online if I wanted to.  
[Meklavar]: I’m sorry, too. We didn’t want to exclude you  
[Block]: we really need to invite you to voice chat! Did you buy that headset? 

Shiro stared at the screen intently. There was a flare of nervousness in his stomach he tried to push away as soon as he noticed it. If Keith agreed to talk to them over voice chat it would bring mean he’d truly enter their group. And if he didn’t agree… Shiro couldn’t quite shake the picture of Keith being an old man or a little girl. Why did his guildies have to go and put those in his head? He didn’t _want_ to suspect anything insincere from Keith. 

[Keith]: I did. Just give me a minute to set everything up before you invite me

Shiro breathed out audibly. 

“Everything alright, Shiro?”

“What? Um.. Yes. Sorry. I was just… I don’t know.” What was wrong with him?

Pidge snickered. “Have you been browsing hot guy’s profiles again?”

“What? No!” That had only happened _once a long time ago_ and only because he’d felt extremely lonely and bored and the guild couldn’t decide on what to do. 

“Aw, you don’t have to lie about it.”

“I’m not lying.” Sounding as defensively as he did probably didn’t help his case. “Anyway…” He cleared his voice, ignoring the way Pidge and Hunk stage whispered about how he clearly was lying. “What are we going to do today? After we welcome Keith to voice chat, I mean. It’ll make questing much easier.”

“Oh yes, definitely. My fingers are sore from all that typing!”

 

“Let’s see how long it takes until your throat gets sore from insulting Keith,” Pidge murmured to Lance’s complaining. 

“I’m just telling the truth!”

“The concept of truth is just a human construct..”

“Oh no, don’t you _dare_...”

Shiro tuned out for a moment, silently smiling to himself. Adding Keith to his little group of weirdos felt strangely right, even though he knew there’d probably be a lot of bitching from Lance’s side. Shiro knew that deep down, Lance was just scared because he didn’t feel good enough for Allura, but still wanted her attention. Keith was competition and even though Lance liked to play the tough guy, deep down he suffered from a lack of confidence. There was still hope that once he got to know Keith better, they’d learn to get along. 

[Keith]: Ok, I’m all set up. 

Shiro held his breath for a tiny moment. Only a few more clicks and he’d hear Keith’s voice for the first time. He’d truly become a part of their team, hopefully even their _friend_. Shiro just hoped he wouldn't mess it up somehow. Well, he hoped _Lance_ wouldn’t find a way to mess it up before it had a chance to truly start. 

“Ok, guys... I’m inviting Keith to the voice chat. Be nice everyone, don’t scare away the new guildie, yes?”

“Thank you for your endless trust in our social abilities,” Hunk commented. 

“I was mainly talking to Lance.”

“ _What_?”

“We’ll behave, Shiro. I’m looking forward to having another team member.” 

“Thank you, Pidge. Ok, I’m sending out the invite now. Keep the bickering to a minimum.”

 

Even though Lance often was the butt of Shiro’s jokes, he knew he didn’t hold it against him and despite his fear of scaring Keith away, Shiro smiled. He loved his friends and their dynamics. If Keith fit into it remained to be seen, but he dearly hoped so. 

“Um.. hi.” Shiro’s back straight immediately at the sound of a new voice, a little rough and uncertain. _Definitely not a little girl or an old creep._

“Hi Keith, nice to finally hear you!” Hunk greeted him before Shiro could. 

“Yes, hello!”

“Hi Keith.” Shiro was glad that this wasn’t a video chat. He had no reason to have that stupid grin on his face. “Just so you know the name to the voice... This is Shiro.”

“Hi Shiro.” 

“And this is Lancey-Lance.”

“Oh, are you new to the guild, too?”

“What? No! It’s me. Lance?”

“Ah, then why don’t you just say so?”

“I just did!”

“You said _Lancey_ -Lance.”

“That’s.. ugh…” Lance mumbled something unintelligible in Spanish through his teeth, but his tone spoke volumes. Shiro shook his head and typed away on his keyboard as the others greeted Keith. 

[Takashi] whispers to [Keith]: I know he’s not an easy person, but give Lance a change. He’s really nice once you get to know him.  
[Keith] whispers to [Takashi]: Don’t worry, I’m just messing with him. 

Surprised by that statement, Shiro barked a laugh into his microphone. 

“What’s so funny?” Lance immediately asked suspiciously. 

“Um.. nothing.. just a meme. Anyway.. what are we going to do now? Are you up to some questing?”

They decided to try a new dungeon involving a dragon and were quickly engaged in game talk. Shiro was glad he’d urged on his team to do something quickly after Keith had entered the voice chat. It gave his friends something other to do than intriguing Keith, who seemed a bit awkward from time to time. While the others were chatting away as always, Keith was mostly silent, but Shiro found his lips stretch into a smile whenever he said something. 

“Watch out, Shiro!” Keith’s avatar appeared right in front of Takashi in a cloud of smoke, breaking the attack of the dragon and pulling its attention away. Shiro had dodged at Keith’s warning, but his character would still have taken a nasty blow without his intervention.  
Hunk, on the other hand, wasn’t so lucky. One of the dragonlings their final boss liked to summon with his unholy screams had attacked him from behind, draining his last bit of health.

“What the fuck was that?!” Lance yelled. 

“Sorry,” Hunk mumbled. 

“No, I meant Keith!”

“What did I do?”

“Oh, I don’t know. But you know who can actually take a hit? Our _tank_. You know who’d need your heroic little intervention? Our squishy healer! Without Allura, there’s no way to revive him.”

“I’m not squishy,” Hunk mumbled. 

“Well, you stood right there next to him. So why didn’t you rush in to save him? There was no way I could’ve got there in time.” Keith’s voice sounded a bit strained. “Besides, the dragon is almost down. We don’t need a healer.”

Shiro glanced at the dragon. Keith was right. There were faring way better in this fight than they usually did in any other.. aside from Hunk, everyone was alive and not critically injured. 

“I don’t care what Lance says, Keith. Thanks for the rescue,” he quipped over Lance’s grumbling. Keith’s answer was just a noncommittal sound.

“Oh yes, great. Go ahead and encourage him.”

“Did you want me to die?”

“You wouldn’t have died!”

“But you were willing to risk it…. Lance, I thought we were _friends_!”

Keith tiny laugh sounded like music to Shiro and it made him feel better than the victory over the dragon announced on his screen. 

“I don’t know, man. If you’re being like this, I might push you right at the dragon the next time we’re doing this.”

“I advise against it. We’d go down without a tank,” Keith deadpanned. 

“It’s called a joke?” 

[Keith] whispers to [Takashi]: He makes it too easy

Shiro bit his lip to suppress another unwanted suspicious laugh. 

“Lance, I think you should let it go,” Hunk giggled. “Besides, I’m sure if you truly tried to push Shiro, Keith would prevent it.”

“I’m up to see some rogue on rogue action!”

“Ew, what’s wrong with you today, Pidge?” Lance sounded genuinely annoyed. 

“I don’t. Maybe I just feel like we need another couple on the team, now that Matt and Allura aren’t together anymore.”

“And _that’s_ what you’re jumping to?”

“Guys, what did I say about not scaring Keith away?” Shiro said a bit strained. “I’m sorry, Keith, usually these people know how to behave.” They didn’t. But Shiro preferred to settle for a little lie for now.

 

“It’s alright.” Even though Shiro didn’t know that Keith well, he was pretty sure he didn’t imagine the amusement in his voice. The relief he felt at the newly spreading confidence in his chest that Keith wouldn’t be so easily scared away brought a huge smile to his face once again. Before his accident, he’d been a very outgoing person and making new friends had been easy. Now that everything was different, adding a new person to his exclusive circle of close friends gave him some sense of normalcy. It was a gift from Keith he’d unknowingly given him. And Shiro couldn’t stop smiling over it during their following quest.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry again for the wait :/ I went on a vaccation right after being sick. but now I'm back and I'm trying to write as much as possible before I get back to work

Having Keith in their voice chat had put a whole new quality to their gaming and even Lance had to admit that they were making more progress than usual these over the course of a few days. And Shiro? Shiro was _thriving_. Finally being able to make a new friend made it easier to push the hollow feeling of loneliness down when it threatened to overwhelm him at night alone in his bed after another day spent inside. Sure, Keith was just an online friend, but he didn’t live too far away and maybe one day…  
Was it weird to think of Keith in his bed? Maybe. Shiro couldn’t bring himself to care and as long as his thoughts were platonic and innocent, Keith probably wouldn’t mind, either. Not that he knew him well enough to be sure, but… Keith had been starting to slowly melt into their little group. He still wasn’t the most talkative person around, but he wasn’t as awkward as he’d been in the beginning. Even Lance was warming up to him, the only person who still hadn’t met him was Matt. But maybe that was about to change, soon. Shiro wasn’t sure if he should be anxious or happy about their first meeting. He wanted them to meet because Matt was an important part of his life and he wanted Keith to become his friend, but Matt could be a bit.. meddlesome. 

“Earth to Shiro! Are you there?”

“What?” Shiro blinked in confusion as Lance's voice rang shrill through his thoughts.

“Are you ok? You’ve been silent for a while.”

“I’m ok, just a bit lost in thought.” He smiled at his screen. There had been thinly veiled concern in Lance’s voice and indeed, Shiro had often gone silent when something had been amiss in the past. But not today. Not even the prospect of going to meet Matt in his lab tomorrow was going to ruin his mood after this nice evening of playing together and just talking. 

“Care to fill us in?” Pidge asked curiously. 

“Nah, it wasn’t really important. Sorry, have I missed something?”

“We were just talking about work,” Lance filled him in. 

“You mean you were _complaining_ about work,” Hunk snorted.

“I’m just so ready for a holiday, man. Admit it, Hunk. We’ve been working our asses off.”

“What are you two doing again?” Shiro was glad that Keith had actually started to ask the team questions. For him, it was a compelling sign he was starting to feel more comfortable around them. 

“We have our own catering business. Hunk does the delicious cooking and..-”

“- and Lance keeps bossing everyone around as the _manager_ ,” Pidge chuckled. 

“And he gets to pick out the cutest girls as their staff.”

“No, I don’t, I only pick the _competent_ ones. Allura, I didn’t know you would think me that shallow.”

“Yes, he’s all about inner values and stuff,” Hunk chuckled, when Keith joined in, Shiro couldn’t stop his own mirth from bubbling up his throat. 

“Aaaanyway,” Lance drawled. “Keith, what do you do for a living? I guess being all hero-y around Shiro in a mmorpg isn’t paying the rent.”

There was a slightly strangled sound, something between a grunt and a laugh from Keith before he answered. “No. No, it doesn’t these days. I teach self-defense, actually.”

“So you know how to fight in real life?” Pidge asked. 

“No. I just dance around the studio, punching the air from time to time, hoping it looks professional.” 

Hunk whistled. “Wow, that’s a pretty cool job, man.”

“It really is, Keith,” Allura chimed in. “It’s sad that it’s kind of necessary these days, but you do something to make this world safer.”

“It’s not a big deal,” Keith said a bit defensively. 

“Yeah, it’s not like he’s out there saving Gotham City each night. But hey, perhaps you can teach Shiro some tricks so he doesn’t need you saving him every few minutes.”

Shiro felt a cold wave of panic prickling down his back at Lance’s suggestion. Keith didn’t live far away. What if he took it seriously? Shiro was _not_ ready for that. How was he supposed to get there? How was he supposed to function in a strange location all alone? 

“I’m sure Shiro can handle himself,” Pidge came to his defense.

“I’m sure he doesn’t need me saving him in real life,” Keith said, his voice still a bit tight. Shiro couldn’t shake the thought of how wrong he was. He needed all the help he could get. But he was not ready for _that_. “Hell, he doesn’t need me saving him here, either… just….” He paused. “You could all use a bit of training to work better as a team in this game.”

“Oh yeah?” It was Lance’s turn to sound defensive.

“He’s right, Lance, and you know it.” Hunk was right, they all knew it. But he was probably the only one who could tell Lance without him blowing off. Shiro took a deep shuddering breath as he zoned out for a bit. His hands prickled and there were a few tiny black dots dancing behind his closed eyelids. He wanted to meet Keith one day. And he hated how much the prospect of it affected him that badly. 

“We all know we could do better, but we're just, you know, casual.”

“Yeah, and that's all fine. But sometimes it's really frustrating to suck.”

“You don't suck, Hunk. You just need a few adjustments and you'll be fine,” Keith said. 

“Well, thank you mister elite guy.”

“Lance,” Shiro interjected. He was still feeling a bit shaky. “Keith is just offering help.”

Lance grumbled something about a high horse Shiro and the rest chose to ignore for the sake of peace. 

“We have three people here now working in sports business. Kind off. You sure have a lot to talk about,” Hunk tried to defuse the tension.

“Three people?” Keith asked.

“Yeah, Shiro and Allura. They work in the same studio, right guys?”

“Huh-uh, he's my favorite coworker.”

“More like employee, Miss daughter of the guy who owns the whole thing,” Shiro joked. It was a bit mean to call her that. Allura loved her father dearly, but working for his company had strangely always been a sensitive topic. Shiro knew she didn't mind her friends talking about it, though. He was grateful for everything Allura's family had done for him. Any other company might have fired him after being absent for so long, but Allura insisted on paying him as long as he promised to come back when he was better. According to her, she had clients particularly waiting for him - Shiro didn't want to call her a liar.

“So you got to know each other at work?” Keith asked.

“No, I meet her in school.”

“And we stayed in contact ever since. Shiro really is a great trainer,” Allura went to praise him. “And a great physiotherapist, too.”

Shiro bit his tongue hard to not object. He _had_ been great at his job, but now he was useless, a liability for the company Allura’s dad had worked so hard to build. If only he had the same confidence as her when it came to him returning to the job. He wanted to, but when he pictured himself leaving the house in the morning and going to work, he just couldn’t see it. Something that had been such a normal and fulfilling part of his life had just been ripped from him so fast he still didn’t fully comprehend it.  
“I’m sure he is,” Keith said. Again, Shiro only bit his tongue. This wasn’t a discussion he wanted to have right now. 

“Keith, do you teach kids or adults?” Allura suddenly asked. 

“Both, actually.”

“So.. if I wanted I could come by and you would teach me some stuff?” 

“Sure.” The simple answer sounded anything but, but Allura didn’t catch up on it. 

“Great! Let’s talk about the details later.”

“Don’t you have self-defense at your studio?” Lance's voice sounded a bit strained. 

“No, sadly we don’t. I wanted to have some classes but I don’t really know anything about it. Maybe you can give me some good advice on it, Keith.”

“I’ll see what I can do. Umm... What about you, Shiro?” 

Shiro held his breath. “What about me?” 

“Do you.. um.. want to learn, too? Or.. be there when we.. talk about classes?”

Meeting Keith in real life. A part of him wanted to jump at the opportunity, the rest of him, though, dove right into panic. 

“I could pick you up,” Allura offered kindly, seemingly aware of his issues and his momentarily struggle. 

“I’ll.. see what I can do. I mean… I.. I have a lot of appointments coming up with Matt. So.. you guys don’t need to try to work me into your schedule but if I’m able to make it.. I mean.. maybe..” Shiro pressed his eyes close. “I’ll try,” he ended with a shaking breath.

“You don’t have to,” Keith assured him. Shiro could practically feel the confusion and rejection oozing out of his voice. 

[Valayun] whispers to [Takashi]: Does he know? 

Allura didn’t need to specify what she meant. 

[Takashi] whispers to [Valayun]: No. Just vaguely that I had an accident. Nothing about the arm or the anxiety. 

[Valayun] whispers to [Takashi]: Alright.

“I’ll talk to Matt and see if we can make it work,” she said cheerily. “I know you two are busy with your stuff. I’m sure we’ll have plenty of opportunities to meet even if this one doesn’t work out.”

“Thank you,” Shiro said. And he was. Of all of his friends, even Matt, Allura probably understood best what he was going through. She would find a way to let Keith know that Shiro wasn’t opposed to meeting him. 

“Oh no, what now?” 

“What do you mean, Hunk?” Shiro turned his attention back to the screen. “Oh..”

Lurking in a dark corner, there was a hooded figure staring at them. Well, as far as an avatar in an online game could stare at someone. It wouldn’t have been such a noticeable incident hadn’t it been a figure they’d seen before. And it hadn’t been a friendly encounter. 

“Ah, fuck..” 

“Language, Keith,” Pidge mumbled distractedly. “What is he even doing there?”

“Staring at us. Creepily.” Hunk provided helpfully.

“I don’t know. But it sure is one of those guys who attacked us.”

“Are you sure, Lance? Maybe he’s just wearing a similar armour.”

“No, I remember his guild’s name.”

“The.. blade of marmora?” Pidge read. “What do they want with us?”

“Yeah, isn’t that one of those popular rebel guilds?” Hunk ask. “They should be on our side, shouldn’t they? Like.. I mean.. they’re fighting Zarkon, we are.. kind of fighting Zarkon, since we’re playing coalition. So why attack us?”

“Calm down, everyone. Maybe it’s just a coincidence he’s here,” Shiro said. But he couldn’t fight the queasy feeling in his stomach. 

“Sure, and slaughtering us the last time was probably just an accident.” 

“Watch out,” Pidge interrupted Lance’s sarcasm. “He’s moving.”

Everyone watched in silence as the avatar started moving towards them. Lance was the first to draw his weapon and the rest of the guild quickly followed suit. None of them attacked, though, and neither did the stranger.

“Maybe he just wants to talk?” Hunk tried when nothing happened. 

“Maybe.” Shiro watched the scene in front of him suspiciously. 

[Takashi] says: Is there anything I can help you with?

A long suffering sigh could be heard over their voice chat before the stranger lunged at them without another warning.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what is this? a new chapter? so soon?

Shiro growled in frustration. Everything had happened so fast he’d barely had the time to register what was going on. He suspected if Keith would have fared better without them since he’d taken some pretty heavy blows leaping to their defense. Yet he was the only one still standing after the stranger finally ceased his attack and disappeared into a cloud of smoke. How could _one_ enemy kill them all off so easily? 

“This guy can’t be serious! First he’s killing us and then he just goes poof? What the fuck?” Lance yelled, the sound of him hitting his table rang hollow through Shiro’s headphone. 

“Yeah, what’s his problem? It’s not like he’s gaining anything from this.. other than to annoy us.” 

“I don’t know, Pidge.” Shiro pinched the bridge of his nose. There was the promise of a headache blooming behind his eyes.

“I’m sorry, guys.”

“It’s not your fault, Keith.”

 

“Yeah, and at least this time you didn’t bail on us.”

“Lance!” Hunk, Pidge, and Allura yelled in unison. 

“It’s not your fault, Keith, really,” Shiro tried to reassure him, for once ignoring Lance. 

“I’m not so sure about that.” 

His heart sank at how defeated Keith sounded. He wanted to ask what be meant by it, but he had a feeling that there was no chance of him opening up while they were in group chat. Voice chat no less. 

[Takashi] whispers to [Keith]: Are you ok? You want to talk about it?

[Keith] whispers to [Takashi]: Thank you. But no, not today. 

“I’ll call it a night, guys.”

“What? But Keith… it’s still early.” Hunk sounded confused. 

“Yeah, don’t let that jackass ruin your fun.”

“I.. won’t, Lance. I just have some stuff to do before tomorrow. See you.” 

Shiro starred dumbfounded at the simple notification that Keith had logged off immediately after saying goodbye. There was a hollow feeling in his stomach, as if something bad had just happened he didn’t really understand.  
Some time ago, he would have trusted his gut. But lately, his body sensed danger every time and everywhere, so… 

“That was a bit.. strange,” Hunk huffed. 

“Don’t read too much into it. He’s just as annoyed by this guy as the rest of us.” 

“Allura is probably right,” Shiro tried to settle his own nerves. The whole incident had been strange, especially because it had been the second time now they’d been attacked by some of those guys. What _did_ the blade of marmora want with them? He made a short mental not to ask Matt about this guild since he was way more versed in the lore of the game.

***

The two following days went by without Keith seen online again. The first day no one really thought any of it, since it wasn’t uncommon that real life happened and kept someone from logging in. The second day had Shiro worrying. Which was probably stupid, because two days of not logging in into an online game didn’t mean something bad had happened. Maybe he got an unexpected visitor, maybe work was busy, maybe he’d come down with a cold..  
But since Keith had left them the other night, he couldn’t keep himself from wondering about _why_ he’d left so suddenly. Something was wrong. Shiro would suspect it to be Lance’s comment about not bailing on them this time, but he knew now that Keith wasn’t that fragile. He could only hope that he would open up to him someday. Until then, he tried to spend time with his friends, distracting himself from his worries.

The third day had Shiro had Matt’s lab, feeling queasy and vulnerable. He would have almost forgotten asking questions about this guild attacking them, hadn’t Matt not been the one to kind of bring up the topic. 

“So.. how are things with your guild going along?”

“You wouldn’t have to ask if you’d show up online from time to time. t’s your guild as well, you know?”

“Yeah, yeah.. but who’d spend all the time in the lab to be the mad scientist fixing up your arm, then?”

Shiro flinched as Matt’s adjustments to said arm sent a spark of pain up his shoulder.

“Sorry.”

“Don’t be,” Shiro mumbled. “You know I appreciate everything you’ve done for me, right?” 

“Don’t mention it. You’re my best friend, I’d even fight the galra for you.” Matt gave him a little smirk. 

“Promises, promises.” Shiro returned a little grin and tried to relax some more. “But where were you when we were attacked a few days ago?”

“You got attacked by the galra?” Matt bit his tongue while focusing on the thin wires sticking out of the prosthetic before him. Shiro tried to ignore the nagging questions in the back of his mind if this was really a good time to distract him with something like this. 

“No, not the galra. Another guild. The… blade of marmora. Second time, no less.”

Matt frowned. “The blade of marmora? That doesn’t make any sense. They’re coalition, too.”

“I know, right? It was weird. They guy didn’t even speak to us. He just started attacking.”

Matt lay down his tools and looked at Shiro. “You sure none of your guildies did something to anger them? And by that I mean Lance.”

Shiro only snorted. “No, for once I think Lance is innocent in this.”

“If you say so.” Matt rolled his eyes, but Shiro knew he was just teasing. 

“Keith was..,” Shiro stopped, not knowing where he wanted to go with this. Keith what? Was seemingly in a bad mood after they got attacked again? Went to bed? Hadn't been online in a few days? It sounded stupid, even repeated in his own head. Matt just looked at him, his face strangely neutral. No, Shiro didn’t want this to become another conversation about Keith. “Anyway… you’re the lore master. Tell me more about the blades.”

Matt just kept looking at him for a moment longer, just enough to make Shiro feel slightly uncomfortable before he started to explain. 

“Well.. most of them are galra, but not exclusively so these times, I think? They kind of founded after the second expansion, when Zarkon turned into a full-blown psychopath, you know? They didn’t want to accept that their whole race had suddenly be doomed to be evil, so they kind of rebelled. It became such a big deal that it was worked into official lore at some point. They’re like.. really popular? But they rarely take new guildies and if they do, they have to prove their worth and undergo some weird trials first.” 

“They.. are aware this is just a game, right?” Shiro frowned.

“Not to them, no. I think a lot of them earn actual money from this.”

“You can earn money. By playing an online game.” He stared at Matt as if he’d just come mad. But just smiled warmly and petted his hair. 

“Oh, my sweet summer child.”

“Stop it.” Shiro swatted his hand away with a laugh. “Ok, I get it. They’re a big deal. But we aren’t. So why are they attacking us?”

“I don’t know.” Matt shrugged his shoulders.

“Your best guess?” Shiro felt like he was getting a bit desperate, here. But so far, asking Matt about the blades and overall lore had brought nothing but more questions. 

“I really don’t know. I can see if I can find something online, but they’re usually very secretive about their motives. Maybe they’re looking for new guildies for once. Maybe they’ve taken an interest in one of you.”

“Keith..,” Shiro merely breathed the name. 

“Maybe.”

“Those guys aren’t dangerous, are they?” If there was real actual money involved… who knew what they were capable of? 

“I don’t think so..,” Matt said cautiously. “Why?”

“Keith hasn’t been online since they attacked us.” His own heartbeat rose to almost drowning out the sound of his own words. What if they’d attack him in real life? What if something had happened to him? 

“Shiro, calm down.” Matt was suddenly right in front of him, his hands warm, anchoring weights on his shoulders. “Keith is _fine_. He’s probably just busy or something. He’s teaching self-defense, he knows how to handle himself.”

Shiro pressed his eyes close. Matt had to be right. He had to be. But his body had a hard time believing him. 

“Count your breaths. Remember: inhale, hold, exhale.”

Shiro _tried_. He closed his eyes to focus.  
_Five_. Self defense doesn’t help if someone decides to point a gun at you. Does it?  
_Four_. But that would have been on the news. There hadn’t been no incidents in a while.  
_Three_. Matt was probably right.. Keith was busy or something.  
_Two_. Or he was just sick of playing with a bunch of noobs that died in a fight against _one_ enemy.  
_One_. But at least that would mean he was fine.

Shiro opened his eyes again. His heart was still racing and he was still feeling shaky, but his thoughts didn’t tumble wildly anymore. “Now I feel stupid,” he mumbled. He hated when other people saw him like this. Even Matt.  
“You’re not, it’s alright. And... He’s alright, too, Shiro. Not everyone’s online the whole time. I can..,” he bit his lips, “Just... I’m sure he’ll be online tonight. If not, we’ll find a way to make sure he’s alright, ok?” 

“Ok.” Shiro took another deep breath and tried to convince himself that it was indeed ok. He shouldn’t freak out over something like this. Matt was right. 

“Can I…,” Matt pointed at his arm again and Shiro nodded. 

“Sure, go on. I’m sorry about… well… my little breakdown.”

“It’s ok, it’s just one of your special features.”

“More like a bug.”

“Well, let’s hope we can work on that for the next update.”

***

Shiro was in a bad mood. At eleven, Keith still hadn’t shown up and he was beginning to worry again as everyone else was beginning to call it a night. His arm was giving him a hard time on top of it. It happened every time Matt made some adjustments, his muscles were too tense for a while and his posture off. It made sitting hard and lying down impossible.

“Will you be alright?” Allura asked as she was the last to go. Of course, she’d caught on his bad mood immediately and had tried to keep the team in check when they started speaking about Keith. Hunk had voiced the same suspicion Shiro’d had earlier… What if Keith had run off without saying a word? Maybe he didn’t know how to tell them without hurting their feelings? 

“Yes, don’t worry. I’ll just play for a little longer until my body has no other choice than to fall asleep.”

“You know you could take some painkiller.”

“I know. And you know I hate those.” Or better, the feeling of the loss of control they reminded him off. They sometimes left him with the same woozy feeling he’d had in the hospital. 

Allura sighed dramatically. “Alright. Just call me if there’s anything you need, yes?”

“Of course.” Shiro knew from the sound of her voice that she was not happy with him, but knew better than to push. It was just his own way of dealing with it and he wasn’t ready to try something else. Or maybe he just liked to suffer, he thought a bit bitter. 

After Allura had gone offline, he kind of let Takashi wander around aimlessly. He should probably do some farming, but he couldn’t quite bring himself to do it. He tried not to feel too pathetic standing on a field and watching cosmic wolves play around in the distance. Even npcs seemed to be enjoying time with their friends while he suddenly felt all alone in this world. 

_[Keith] is online._

Shiro’s stomach gave a funny little jolt and his shoulders tensed up. 

“Keith..,” he breathed. He was ok. Well, or at least online. Any sign of fatigue and self-pity vanished in an instant. 

[Takashi] whispers to [Keith]: Hi  
[Takashi] whispers to [Keith]: Good to see you online :)  
[Takashi] whispers to [Keith]: I was a bit worried. 

His fingers twitched above the keyboard. _Calm down._ He shouldn’t spam Keith with messages the second he got online. 

[Keith] whispers to [Takashi]: Hi, I’m sorry. I had a lot on my mind. I didn’t want to worry you.  
[Takashi] whispers to [Keith]: Do you want to join me in voice chat? Everyone else is already offline.  
[Keith] whispers to [Takashi]: Alright.

Shiro sent an invite and drummed his fingers on his desk while he waited for the line to click. 

“Hi,” Keith greeted and Shiro could finally feel his shoulders relax. It was truly Keith. He sounded a bit tired maybe, but otherwise alright. 

“Hi Keith, so… um..,” Shiro had to think about what to say since his head had started drowning in a busy turmoil once again. “How are you? Um.. you said you had a lot on your mind. You wanna talk about it?”

 

Keith on the other end of the line took an audible breath through his nose before he answered. “Not really, no. Not.. now. But thank you.”

Shiro swallowed down his disappointment. Keith had every right not to talk about anything that was bothering him, but Shiro had thought that _maybe_...  
Something about Keith felt different. Or maybe it wasn’t Keith at all, but how talking to him made Shiro feel different. Less lonely, less.. incompetent. Even though Keith had indeed tried to rescue him in game from time to time, but he never made him feel bad about it. 

“It’s alright, you don’t have to. Just know that I’m here if you want to talk.”

Keith was the first and only person he’d connected with after his accident. Sure, he’d met Lance and Hunk online through Matt, but with Keith it was different. He hadn’t been someone else’s friend first, and Shiro had the one to talk to him before anyone else did. 

“Why are you so nice to me?” Keith’s voice was shaky and Shiro wished he could see him right now. It wasn’t the first time Keith questioned him like this, but it felt like it had a more serious weight to it today. 

“Why not?” He tried to make it sound casual. Indeed, why not? Why would Keith be undeserving of his kindness? 

“I don’t know.. I mean, you don’t really know me. I’m just some guy from the internet.”

“Maybe.. but… I like talking to you and like I’ve said... I’d like us two to become friends.”

“I’m not that special.”

“Neither am I. But.. these last few days with you in our group? I had a lot of fun… More fun than usual.” Shiro closed his eyes. Once he’d been considered socially well versed. Today it seemed like he just didn’t know anything about human interaction. He was coming on way too strong and it showed in the following silence on Keith’s line. 

“Look.. I promised I wouldn’t push. And maybe you don’t feel special, but…,” he stopped for a moment. Should he really dive into this now? He took another deep breath. Maybe he should try to be more vague, here? “You’re the first friend I’ve kind of made on my own since the accident. And that’s special to me.”

Again, no word from Keith. 

“But of course that doesn’t have to mean anything,” Shiro was quick to assure him into the silence. His heart rate was starting to pick up all of a sudden. “If you don’t want to be friends, that’s alright.”

“I want to.” It was so quiet Shiro had almost missed Keith’s voice over the sound of his own rushing blood. It felt like his mind came to a sudden, violent halt before it started to spin into a completely new direction. 

“You want to?” He bit his tongue right afterward. What a stupid question. But his body had decided to jump from drowning in panic to a relieved lightheadedness. 

“Yeah... I just.. I don’t want to cause you any trouble.”

“I’m sure you won’t, Keith. And even if you did.. I’ll be there for you.”

“You make it sound so easy.”

“Because it is!” At least it was with all the weird hormones rushing through his body after his almost-panic attack. Keith merely sighed, but Shiro convinced himself that it didn’t sound frustrated anymore. 

“Alright.. But... there are some things that can make things more complicated for you around here. But I really don’t want to talk about it today.”

“You don’t have to. Talk about it when you’re ready.” 

“I will. Thank you, Shiro."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kudos and comments are very much appriciated!


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you guy really left me speechless with all the comments and kudos this story got since the last update. I'm in love with every single one of you now (I'm easy like this). no, but seriously, thank you! it definitely helped with my motivation as you can see soooo.. have another chapter 
> 
> (and I'm really sorry about all the typos. I always try to find them all, but English is not my first language and words are weird)

“God, you really have some dirty tricks going on there,” Shiro chuckled breathlessly. Even though they were just sparring in an online game, the adrenaline rushing through his body was very real. Fighting with Keith forced all of his senses to work at full speed - and yet it still wasn’t fast enough. 

“No dirty tricks, just technique.” Shiro loved the playfulness in Keith’s voice. 

“Whatever you need to tell yourself to sleep at night,” he told him. The husky little laugh his joke evoked from Keith was something he loved even more.   
Keith was a force of nature. Of course, he had an advantage over Takashi when it came to speed and agility, but that wasn’t all. Shiro had fought rogues before, but none like Keith. His movements were unpredictable, yet he seemed to know exactly what Shiro would do next.

“I’m not sure I’m brave enough to face you in real life sparring,” Shiro muttered with a little smile on his lips. He smashed some buttons, tried to aim at Keith, but like most of the time, Keith was already gone by the time Takashi moved. 

Keith clicked his tongue. “Aw, don’t worry. I promise I’ll go slow and careful during our first time.”

Shiro almost choked on his own breath. No dirty tricks whatsoever, huh? Had they been in some gay bar, Shiro would have been sure saying something like this counted as flirting. Here, though, it was probably merely teasing meant to distract him. And it worked.

“Damn,” he groaned when Takashi sank to his knees. 

“I’m sorry,” Keith said, though he didn’t really sound sorry. But at least he spared Shiro the little dance Lance usually did when he won during a sparring session. “Let’s.. slow it down a bit and I’ll show you what to do?”

Shiro agreed all too happily. He wanted to learn, he wanted to get better and be prepared if the blade of marmora chose to attack again. Most of all, he wanted to spend more time with Keith.   
They trained like this for a while. Shiro was used to heavy workouts, but it always came to a surprise how exhausting and mentally taxing training online could prove to be. Keith was guiding him through his attacks, how to block them and get the upper hand. It was extremely complicated and it felt like they’d been going through this routine for hours.   
In fact, when Shiro checked the clock, that wasn’t exactly far from the truth. 

“Oh… Keith, have you checked the time?” Shiro stared at the little 4:17 on his screen. 

“Huh?” Keith hummed before he went silent for a moment. “Oh, shit. I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to keep you up all night.”

“I could say the same thing. But it was fun, right?” Shiro stifled a yawn. He was tired all of a sudden. Only minutes ago he’d been hyper-aware of every attack Keith was throwing at him, but one look at the time seemed to have drained the energy left all at once. “I wouldn’t have been able to sleep anyway. I just hope you don’t have anywhere important to be in the morning.”

“No, I only have classes in the afternoon.” Keith cleared his voice. “What do you mean.. you wouldn’t have been able to sleep anyway? Did something happen?”

Shiro’s breath caught painfully in his throat, again sparking some wakefulness he know could very easily fall over the edge of panic. It had become such a normal thing to say around his friends that he hadn’t thought about the implications for Keith. Keith didn’t know anything about his problems. The mere mention of an accident could mean anything, like a broken foot or finger. But it was so much more than that.. and Keith deserved to know at least some of it. He willed down the anxiety, telling himself stoically that didn’t have the strength left for another panic attack.   
Keith didn’t know about his arm. He didn’t know about his mental health problems, either. Shiro liked the fact of him not knowing.. if only for a little while, he could pretend to be _whole_. But keeping all of it from Keith felt awful like lying.   
He had to tell him everything, though, right? 

“I.. since the accident, I have some problems with anxiety,” he confessed, proud that his voice didn’t transfer his nervousness. “Today wasn’t an easy day and I had some panic attacks. It usually takes some time for me to calm down and be able to find some sleep afterward.” It wasn’t his anxiety keeping him awake tonight, but somehow it felt easier than telling him about the arm. Or possibly getting rejected over it. It was a white lie. His panic had kept him awake countless nights in the past after all.

“I’m sorry to hear that.” Keith truly sounded sorry. “Is there... anything I can do?”

Shiro’s nerves settled somewhat at Keith’s words. He hadn’t expected him to offer help. Especially since Keith didn’t seem to be someone to say something without meaning it. 

“Not really, but thank you. I’m kind of used to it by now.”

“You know you shouldn’t get used to something like this. But… you’re an adult. You can get help if you want to. And if you need help with getting help,” Keith took a deep breath. “I’m here, ok? I’m sure I’m not the only one.”

Shiro’s face wasn’t sure if it should be smiling or crying, so instead, it went through a short series of grimaces before he got a hold on himself. “Thank you, Keith, it really means a lot.”

“You’re.. not the only one who knows what it’s like to have those problems. And.. I don’t need to impose or try to say I know what you’re going through. But.. I’ve had some rough patches in my life and.. I’ve had help. It’s a good thing.”

“I’m sorry, Keith. Do you want to tell me what happened?”

“I lost my dad when I was pretty young.” It came with the fake easiness of someone having explained a tragedy a thousand times. 

“God, that’s horrible.” Shiro wished he knew something else to say, something to make it better, to get to the pain that he knew lay behind Keith’s words. 

“It was. Put my life upside down for a while.. I made some pretty bad choices.”

There were a hundred stories behind those words, but Shiro knew that know was not the time to push for the information. It was better to let Keith provide him with what he was comfortable with at his own pace. 

“Are you happy with where you are now? In life I mean,” he asked instead.

Keith was silent for a moment. “No. But.. I’ll get there.” 

“You will, I’m sure of it. And hey.. if you need help. I’m just one click away.” Shiro gave a little wave to his screen. An action he felt stupid for only seconds afterwards. 

Keith chuckled. “Yeah.. and maybe one day, we actually even meet.”

“Yeah, about that… I want you to know that I didn’t mean to reject the idea of meeting up when you were talking with Allura about taking classes and stuff. I just.. it’s hard for me to get somewhere with the panic attacks and stuff. It’s not you just.. leaving the house.. going someplace new.. it’s scary.” 

“That bad, huh?” Shiro heard the rustling of fabric. “Look.. take your time, ok? I’d like for us to meet eventually, but no pressure.” Keith yawned. ”We have all the time in the world.” 

“You sound tired. Do you want to go to bed?” Maybe he, too, would actually be able to sleep. Although if he was being honest with himself, he really didn’t want to stop talking to Keith. 

“One step ahead of you. The perks of owning a laptop.”

Shiro leaned back in his chair, wishing he wasn’t stuck to the heavy monstrosity of his gaming computer. A smile ghosted over his lips thinking about Keith lying in his bed while talking to him. It felt strangely intimate after only hours ago, Shiro hadn’t been sure Keith even wanted to be his friend. 

“What would be the first thing you’d change about your life if you had the chance?” Keith asked out of the blue. His voice sounded a bit muffled, Shiro suspected he must have turned onto his side and was squishing the mic. He didn’t have to think long on his answer.

“I.. would like to be able to get out of the house more often. Before the accident, I rarely spend time inside.. I was always out, just taking a walk, working out, spending time with my friends. All of this is gone now.” There was a now familiar pain that tugged at his chest at the thought of it. 

“Your friends just... left you?”

“Most of them, yeah. I guess when something like this happens, you learn who your true friends are. In my case, it’s Matt and Allura. They’ve always been there for me... Without them, I’m not sure I would have survived the things that came after the accident.”

“Don’t say that. You’re strong, Shiro. But I’m glad they’re there for you. Allura is a nice girl.. and I’m sure Matt is a good guy, too. They were... together, right?”

“Yeah, I still don’t get why they broke up,” Shiro sighed. “They’ve been together for such a long time. But I’m glad they’re still friends and we can still hang out.”

“Maybe one of them has met someone new?”

“I doubt it. Besides, they’d tell me if that was the case.” 

“Alright, I was just thinking... I mean.. you and Allura are pretty close and Lance is always so..”

“Lance has a crush on her, that’s true. I’m not sure how Allura feels about it, though. I mean.. They’ve never met in real life.”

“Alright.” Keith sounded a bit relieved and Shiro felt a weird unpleasant sensation blooming deep inside his stomach. 

“She is pretty amazing. But you’ll see that for yourself when you guys meet.” He tried to ignore the feeling for now.

“I’m sure she is,” Keith yawned. 

“So.. what would you change about your life?” 

“A lot of things,” Keith chuckled. “But if you mean what I’d change first.. my job situation, probably.”

“Oh? I thought you liked teaching self defense.”

“I do, I do. But... I only get to teach a few classes and honestly? They only pay the bare minimum. Money’s always tight and I’m sick of struggling.”

“Aren’t there any other studios around that would hire you?”

“No,” Keith said tiredly. “But it’s a problem I’m going to solve in the future. Don’t worry.”

“If you need help… with money, I mean.” Thanks to Allura and her dad, Shiro didn’t really have to struggle. Since he barely left the house, he saved most of his income.

“I wouldn’t take money from you, but thanks anyway.”

“Just know it’s an option if things get ugly.” He hated the thought of Keith having problems like this. He was dedicated to what he was doing and it should pay off. But he could sense that Keith wasn’t exactly comfortable with the topic and he wouldn’t like being interrogated about something like this, either. “So.. do you have any plans for tomorrow?” He looked at the clock again. “Today, actually.”

“Just adulting. Cleaning, buying groceries, work in the afternoon. What about you?”

“Well, the apartment could use some cleaning as well,” Shiro chuckled. “I also have a session with my physiotherapist later. Well and then... I’m online again.”

They kept talking like this for a while, an easy back and forth of questions and answers and Shiro felt a weird sense of comfort in his own truths and the way Keith reacted. Keith hadn’t been in an accident, but he knew hardship and obstacles, that much was clear. It turned into an unspoken understanding between the two of them and transferred into every word and settled as a warm kind of happiness deep down low in Shiro’s stomach. He hadn’t felt this relaxed just from talking to someone in a very long time.

***

Shiro startled awake at a blaring, unfamiliar noise in his ears. He shot up from his slouched position in the chair, already feeling his tense muscles fighting every motion with a sharp cutting pain. A confused groan left his throat as he blinked away the sleep and tried to take in his surroundings. Had he fallen asleep in his chair? The screen in front of him was still on, he could spot Takashi was still standing on a field, watching wolves. And next to him?

 

“Good morning…,” Keith’s voice was thick with sleep. “I’m sorry... I forgot to turn off the alarm.”

Shiro let himself sink back into the chair, trying to get his brain to actually work. “I can’t believe we fell asleep like this,” he mumbled. 

“Me neither.” 

“I hope I didn’t snore,” Shiro tried to joke while he massaged the back of his neck with his hand. His back would be angry at him the whole day for sleeping like this, but he couldn’t bring himself to regret it. 

“I wouldn’t know,” Keith chuckled. “I was completely out of it. I think I haven’t slept like this in years.”

“Well, we did have a very intense sparring session. No wonder you were worn out.”

Keith snorted. “Well.. anyway... I’m sorry I woke you up.”

“It’s ok, maybe it helps to set a more healthy sleeping schedule.” It wouldn’t. “Now that we’re awake.. what about breakfast?”

“I like the way you think.” There was movement on Keith’s side of the line. Shiro could practically hear him struggling with his blanket.

“So.. problem is, I don’t have a laptop so my moving range is kinda small. I’d get myself something to eat and then I come back to my headset, ok?”

“Good idea. I think I’ll do the same. Walking around with a laptop is not included in my usual morning routine.” 

“Alright, so,” Shiro said, grinning goofily. “Be right back.” He pulled his headphone off and lay it on the desk in front of him. It was safe to say that this was one of the weirdest situations he’d found himself waking up to, but so far, he loved every minute of it, no matter how much his body reminded him that sleeping in a bed especially after Matt’s adjustments to his arms would have been a way better idea. Who cares? Not having breakfast all by himself was a welcomed change to his otherwise neverending lonely meals. It called for something special. In another life, he would simply leave his house to go to the bakery across the street to get something special, but this life was all he had. And a glance in his pantry releaved that his life offered at least some self-made jam from Matt’s mother he’d saved for a brunch with his friends they’d planned and never gotten to for months.   
While the coffee machine did its magic, Shiro took a moment to go to the bathroom. There was a very tired-looking man staring at him from the mirror today, but below the dark circles around his eyes, he was wearing a smile that spoke volumes. And it didn’t come off when he washed his face. He was still too pale and his hair was a mess, but today, he couldn’t really bring himself to care. Instead, he quickly headed back to the kitchen, anxious to let Keith wait for too long. After getting his special-day-jam on his bread, he grabbed his coffee along with a glass of water and left again for his living room. 

“I’m back,” he said into his headset, suddenly feeling a bit nervous. 

“Yeah, me too.” 

 

“You’re quick.”

“I’m not really a breakfast person, to be honest. I usually just drink coffee.”

“As a personal trainer, I feel compelled to tell you that this is not the healthiest way to begin your morning.” Shiro tried to sound stern. 

“Mhhh, but it makes sure I don’t murder people that try to give me sound advice on my eating habits,” Keith joked in return. 

“I know, I know, sorry,” Shiro apologized with a quiet laugh. “I won’t judge you. It’s not like I only eat healthy things.”

“That’s comforting. I know there are a lot of people in this business going completely crazy with this kind of stuff.”

“Oh yes, I know the type.” They’d had a few of them at the studio. They’d been obsessed with food and workouts and hard to talk to. “I’m all for a healthy lifestyle, but that includes some kind of balance. You need to live a little.” Shiro remembered that he had some food in front of him. He moved the microphone a bit farther away from his mouth to get a good bite from his bread. 

“I’m glad you see it that way. My first trainer could learn from you.”

“Tough guy?” 

“You could say that, yes. It was just... training all day, a diet consisting only of protein, never allowed some fun..”

“All work, no fun, huh? That sounds horrible. Training is work, sure, but it should also be fun.”

 

“That’s what I’m trying to work into my classes as well.”

“I’m actually impressed you decided to work in the business even though your first contact with it had been less than ideal. How long have you been working with that guy?”

“Didn’t have much of a choice,” Keith said drily. “I trained with him for seven years.”

“What?” Shiro choked on his bread. “ _Seven_ years? Why?”

“I didn’t have a say in it. I was very young. It was not an easy time, but at least I know what I’m doing when it comes to fighting and self-defense.”

“Wow,” Shiro breathed. Seven years. “Wait.. were you like.. a professional fighter or something like this?”

“Not in adult fights, no. As a kid, I won some competitions.”

“I really shouldn’t mess with you, huh?” 

“You better not.” Keith tried to make it sound like a warning but failed and Shiro didn’t even try to fight the stupid grin that spread over his face. It was such a stark difference to his usual bad mood after waking up and he wished it could last forever.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi again :) have another chapter!  
> and also thanks again to everyone who took the time to left kudos or comments <3  
> by the way.. I tried to procrastinate on tumblr today and noticed that a lot of people I'm following there have gone silent (which made procrastinating so much harder). so.. if you want to help me to procrastinate in the future, you can point me to your blogs so I can follow you (link is in my profile if you want to follow me, but I'm only mildly interesting on there)

Shiro’s phone felt heavier in his hands than usual as if adding Keith’s number had put some actual, physical weight to it. There had been no need to explain that he’d been worried not having heard from him for a few days, and Keith had been quick to agree to send him a text in case something like would ever happen again. Shiro hadn’t expected Keith to hand him his number right away number in return. If he wanted, he could contact him now any time he wanted, but it weirdly felt like abusing his powers. As if sending a text message was considered a superpower now… but the mere thought of it worsened the pressure that had started to build in his head. 

“Shiro, this is like the hundredths time you’ve sighed right into my ear. You either tell us what’s going on or.. stop doing that,” Lance demanded in his usual eloquent way. Shiro chose not to correct him. It hadn’t been like a hundred times. Maybe three or four at the most. 

“It’s.. nothing.” Keith hadn’t come online, yet. Sure, it was still early, but Shiro couldn’t fight the queasy feeling in his stomach. Should he ask if everything was ok? But that would be too pushy, right? It was only 8 p.m. after all. 

“That’s not was nothing sounds like. It actually sounds a lot more like Lance pining over Allura.”

 

“I’m not pining, Hunk!”

“Sure thing, bro.”

“And don’t talk about this here!” Lance hissed. “What if she logs in?!”

“Oh yes, how would Allura react to such disclosed information that’s completely new to all of us,” Pidge deadpanned. “Get a hold on yourself, Lance.”

“Hey guys, lay off him for a while, ok?”

“Thank you, Shiro. That’s why you’re my best friend.”

“I thought _I_ was your best friend.”

“Not when you’re mean to me Hunk, no you’re not.” 

Shiro’s lips stretched into a grin, but it felt like a huge effort for his facial muscles. He was tired. After their breakfast together, they’d said their goodbyes - and Shiro tried to convince himself that he hadn’t been the only one who was seemingly reluctant to do so. He had used his good mood after to get some cleaning done but then had to cancel on Matt and his physiotherapist when the reality of his loneliness crashed into him like a storm.  
Spending so much time with Keith had been the most fulfilling thing he’d done in a while. But in the end, it was just him and the silence and stale air of his apartment again. It had been a nice dream, an illusion. Making new friends, meeting Keith in real life.. those things were far out of his reach after he had to mentally prepare himself to bring out the trash all by himself. There was no use in telling himself he could ever..- A short squeak rang through Shiro’s ears effectively pulling him out of his thoughts. 

“Lance, are you…” He didn’t need to ask if he was ok after his eyes fell on his screen’s notification. 

_[Valayun] is online._

Pidge and Hunk almost died with laughter and even Shiro couldn’t suppress his grin. But it died on his face only moments afterward.

_[RebelFighter] is online._

Matt. It was no coincidence that the two of them had logged in almost simultaneously, no. They’d probably been talking about him and decided for some kind of intervention or whatever. Shiro wasn’t up for an interrogation right now, maybe they’d let him be for a little while longer.

[Takashi] says: Hi Allura, hi Matt  
[Meklavar] says: Brother! What an honour  
[RebelFighter] says: Hi guys, did you miss me?!  
[Pike] says: ...sure…  
[RebelFighter]: Awww, Lance <3  
[Valayun] whispers to [Takashi]: Matt said you skipped your therapy. Are you alright? 

Shiro’s shoulders tensed immediately, sending a spark of pain through his body that made him wince. Allura didn’t even aim for subtle this time. She was being honest in her concern and straight to the point, but he didn’t want her to mother him. All he wanted was to be left alone when he was tired, cranky and bathing in self-pity. 

“Hi Allura,” Lance greeted her in voice chat. 

[Takashi] whispers to [Valayun]: Don’t worry, I was just tired. And after the adjustments to my arm yesterday I wasn’t really up to it. 

Another white lie. 

“Hi guys, Matt said he can’t talk to us here because his mic is dead,” Allura informed them.

[RebelFighter] says: I can hear you, tho! 

“Well, at least he can hear us. I don’t want to type again,” Hunk groaned. 

[RebelFighter] says: Yes, he can hear you indeed. 

“You need to buy a new headset, Matt,” Shiro said. “But I’m glad you’re online.” He was. Kind of. He missed playing with Matt and having him on their team. 

[Valayun] whispers to [Takashi]: Are you sure? I’m just worried. You know you can talk to me.  
[Takashi] whispers to [Valayun]: I know, thank you. I really am just tired. I’ll be better by tomorrow, I’m sure

Shiro could hear Allura typing over his headphone, but when no new message appeared, he knew she’d been talking to Matt. They meant well, he knew that, but right now their whispering about him annoyed him. But he tried to swallow the feeling down. 

[RebelFighter] says: I’m curious about the whole blade of marmora thing. 

“Great, so next time they come you can die with us!” Pidge said overly cheerful. 

Shiro flinched when his phone suddenly beeped and vibrated on his desk. With a surprised “huh”, he picked it up. 

“Uh, Shiro. All your friends are here already. Who’s texting you?” 

 

Shiro ignored Lance’s quip. “It’s Keith. He says he’s running a bit late,” he explained instead, already typing away on his phone to answer. It took him a few attempts to get it right since his fingers didn’t really want to cooperate. Why was he so shaky all of a sudden? 

 

Shiro put his phone back on the table and straightened his back. The voice chat had gone deadly silent. He took a look at the screen to see if there was something out of the order, but there wasn’t. Maybe his headphone was failing, too? 

“Hello?” he said into the silence to test it. But the tech wasn’t the problem as it turned out.

“Since when do you have Keith’s number?” Lance asked casually.

“Umm..,” Shiro felt his cheeks grow hot. “Since this morning.”

“This _morning_?” Hunk mumbled. 

“Yeah, we...” Damn. He knew how this must look like to them. “He came online late last night and we kind of fell asleep playing.” He wasn’t helping his case here. “So.. after waking up… We kept talking for a while longer and.. I just asked him to text me if he can’t make it tonight, ok?” He purposefully left out the breakfast.

“Awww, that’s so cute,” Pidge sing-songed. 

“It’s not cute. We just talked. As friends. And it’s not like I don’t have _your_ numbers as well.” Why did he feel like he had to defend himself?

“I don’t know, man. I mean.. we never fell asleep together like this,” Hunk teased. 

Shiro chuckled. “Hunk, would you like to fall asleep playing an online game with me tonight?”

“Nope,” Hunk declared cheerfully, letting the ‘p’ pop between his lips. 

“Don’t read too much into it,” Lance interrupted. “Keith was probably just so boring Shiro simply couldn’t stay awake anymore.”

“I think Keith is far from boring,” Allura said. Her tone suggested that she was very well aware of how her words would be perceived by Lance and Shiro had to bite his lips not to chuckle. She was only joking, wasn’t she?  
The strange sensation deep inside his stomach resurfaced at the question and he started biting his lip for a different reason. 

[Rebelfighter] says: Can we do something game related now? As much as I enjoy the romcom-vibes, I came online for a reason. 

“Yes, Keith is not that interesting anyway,” Lance muttered under his breath. 

“What do you want to do, Matt? Since you haven’t been online in a while, you should be the one to choose.” 

[Rebelfighter] says: @Pidge thank you. I don’t really care, I’m just here for the blade of mamora trouble

“It’s like you don’t even love us at all,” Shiro complained teasingly. Again, he tried to push his feelings down. He was too tired to deal with it right now. “But ok. Let’s take on some lower quests until Keith gets here.” He tried to make a point in how casual he let Keith’s name slip from his lips, but it felt weird on his tongue. 

_[Keith] is online._

Shiro almost choked. 

“Speaking of the devil.”

“Hello to you, too, Lance.” 

“Hi, Keith.” Shiro caught himself quickly and unnecessarily smiled at the screen. “I’m glad you could make it after all. Hard day?”

“It was ok. I just had some stuff to do after class, but I’m here now.”

[RebelFighter] say: That we can see. Hello Keith, I’m Matt. I’m your silent companion for tonight. 

“Um.. hello?” 

“Matt’s mic is broken,” Allura explained. “Hi, Keith. Speaking of classes... I have some time to spare next week and I thought maybe I could come by?”

Shiro was too distracted by Allura’s request to feel for Lance, who was grumbling unhappily. He knew they were about to meet.. So why was he feeling so weird all of a sudden? Maybe it was because Allura could talk about something like meeting new people in new places with an easiness that was unthinkable to Shiro. It seemed unfair. 

“Sure.”

[RebelFighter] says: Allura, isn’t it a bit inconsiderate to make out a date in front of me?

The word ‘date’ flashed before Shiro’s eyes in big letters. 

“It’s not a date,” Allura chuckled. 

“Or is it?” Pidge asked. “I mean… just the two of you… meeting.. for a self-defense class? Hand-to-hand combat and stuff. There is a lot of touching involved, right?”

Shiro swallowed hard. There was a flare of anger he had to fight down all of a sudden. His emotions seemed to have declared war on him this evening. 

“Yes, it’s really romantic,” Keith drawled. “Just us and twenty other people watching my every move.”

“Kinky.”

“Ewww, Pidge!” Allura laughed.

[RebelFighter] says: Maybe I should talk to mum about making your computer child-proof again.

“Oh no, you won’t. I have compromising information on you and I will not hold back if you decide to…-”

“ _Well_ , I just need you to send me the address and time. Maybe you can just give me your number, and..-”

“- I could text you the details,” Shiro cut Allura off. 

The channel plunged into silence again and Shiro felt heat crawling up his neck. He had said it before he’d even thought those words.

“Do you.. have the address and time?” Allura asked cautiously after a few seconds that felt like hours. 

“I… no... “ Shiro bit the insides of his cheeks to hold himself from screaming. Why was he acting like this? It was petty, to say at least. The tiny voice in his head wanting to yell at his friend that he had Keith’s number first and that he didn’t want to share it because it made him feel special. And for once in a good way and not in a freak-way.

[RebelFighter] whispers to [Takashi]: Careful. Your crush is showing. 

Shiro’s entire face flashed hot. “Sorry,” he mumbled. 

“I can send you the information and you give it to Allura?” Keith sounded a bit uncertain. 

“No, no,” he was a bit too quick to assure. “It’s... I just thought it was easier this way, but it’s actually way more complicated.” He closed his eyes for a moment. He hated suspiciously high his voice sounded. He tried for more calm before he went on. “Keith, I’ll send you Allura’s contact, ok? That’s… that’s the easiest way. Not what I... suggested.” Where was his internet connection flaking out when he needed it most? 

“Alright,” Allura said. Her voice was a bit too careless to sound genuine. “So.. now that that’s settled, what about we go to the Olkarian forest?”

Shiro zoned out for a moment as the others tried to decide on their mission. No one was addressing him and he suspected because they were his friends and tried to gloss over the fact that he’d just acted like a complete idiot. He stared at the screen, his finger twitching with unease. 

[Takashi] whispers to [RebelFighter]: I don’t have a crush on Keith. 

[RebelFighter] whispers to [Takashi]: Are you sure, tho?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> is he really sure? ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks again to everyone who left kudos or comments or simply enjoys this story <3 please know that it means a lot.  
> I'll try to keep the updates as frequent as possible but I'm back at work so the chapters might be a little less frequent.
> 
> \---
> 
> I'm so sorry! I don't know why, but parts of this story got lost when I uploaded it on AO3. thanks to @fallboy for pointing that out. I hope it works now

[RebelFighter] says: Still no BoM. What a BoMmer

Pidge, who’d had to deal with her brother’s bad puns all her life only groaned, while Hunk giggled. 

“I don’t….”

“That’s because it wasn’t funny, Keith.”

“It was a bit funny, Lance.”

[RebelFighter] says: I’m hella funny!

“Just because you’re a joke doesn’t mean you’re funny.”

“Hey, I’m the only one who’s allowed to talk to my brother like this!”

“It’s not like the blade of marmora has attacked us on a daily basis, Matt,” Shiro tried to cut the bickering by coming back to the point. “Maybe next time you come online, you get to be slaughtered, too.” He tried to grin, but it felt stiff on his face. Everything was fine, his friends were getting along well and they were truly evolving as a team with Keith being an integral part of it. Everything was fine. Except that his back had been killing him for the last three hours. The hunched position he’d taken on since sending Keith’s number to Allura didn’t really help. Why it had taken such an immense amount of effort and persuasiveness was something he didn’t quite understand. It should be easy. They were both his friends and he wanted his friends to have fun together.  
Maybe not too much fun when it came to the two of them. The thought alone have his stomach a weird little twist. Absent-mindedly, Shiro checked his phone again. So far, Keith hadn’t read his message with Allura’s number. Probably because he’d been pretty caught up in their ongoing battle against some sharp toothed stone monsters. Which reminded him that he should probably turn his attention back to what he was actually doing. 

[RebelFighter] says: We would not be slayed. Keith and I can take them on. 

“Why _Keith_?” Lance hissed.

[RebelFighter] says: I’m glad you asked. Because he’s a ROGUE 2!

“Hah, Star Wars reference. I like it,” Keith laughed. 

“Nerds.”

“I’m a rogue, too!”

[RebelFighter] says: Love you, too, Pidge <3

Reading Matt’s messages on the was hard since the letters became blurred before his tired eyes. Maybe he should just give his body what it was asking for, no matter how hard it was to break away from the game when Matt and Keith were online... tonight, there was not much fun in it.

“Guys, I think I have to go to bed now,” he sighed. 

“Are you alright, Shiro?” The worry in Allura’s voice was almost suffocating and he had to close his eyes for a moment to block the sensation it brought out. He was trying to do the healthy thing, here. 

“Just really really tired.”

“Ok, we’ll let you leave then. See you tomorrow?”

“Very generous of you, Lance. And yes, see you tomorrow. Good night, everyone.”

He decided not to wait on the others and quickly logged out. Hearing Keith would only made it more difficult to leave and Matt surely had something to say on how he went to bed the one day he was online. Shiro simply didn’t have the strength to deal with that right now. 

Almost immediately after he turned out his computer, the silence of his room swallowed him. That alone wasn’t new, it was an evening like so many other, but somehow, today he felt empty and entirely drained. If he had the strength left, he’d cry, but so he just sat in his chair, staring at his dark screen as he tried to convince his body to move. He needed to go to bed, he needed to rest, and then hopefully, he’d feel better in the morning.  
Hopefully. 

The moment he finally found the impulse to move, his phone buzzed on his desk. Shiro took it with him on his way to the bathroom, scared to get stuck to his chair again if he only stopped moving. 

_Keith: Thank you for Allura’s number. I wish you a good night, Shiro. Sleep well!_

Shiro’s face contorted, unsure how to react. He felt strangely like crying, but wasn’t sure if it was sadness nagging at his insides. Keith had felt the need to write him a message when he didn’t get the chance to say goodnight. That was sweet, wasn’t it? And the more time he spend with Shiro and his friends, the more it became apparent that he fit well into their group. Keith had gotten along well with Matt today, too.He’d meet Allura soon and then probably Matt as an extension. Shiro still felt like he was special, because, as far as he knew, he was the only one receiving good-night-messages from Keith. But the question was, would it last? If Keith was looking out for friends, Allura and Matt and all the others were a way better catch then Shiro was. It had been obvious that Keith wanted to meet and Shiro wasn’t sure if he’d ever be able to. He wanted, oh how much he wanted to leave his apartment and just _go_... But he couldn’t. And the others could. 

Yesterday had been a nice dream, an illusion. And Shiro realised that it hurt because he’d allowed himself to get his hopes up, if only for a short time.

***

The sun was already bright enough to bother him even though the curtains were still drawn and his eyes closed. After nearly twelve hours of sleep, it felt nearly impossible to get up, but his head was telling him that he couldn’t allow himself to stay in bed all day, no matter how fuzzy his mind felt and how much his back hurt. Instead he tried to tell himself that today had to be a better day. It still took some time before he could bring himself to actually leave his bed and start his day. At least after a shower, he felt slightly more human again.

He should probably send a text to Allura and apologise for his weird behaviour last night. It was definitely not something he was looking forward to, because he still didn’t know how to explain what had been going on. God, he should probably apologise to Keith, too, which would be even harder. 

He decided to better do it right away before he could start to overthink. When he picked up his phone, there were a lot of texts messages and he had to push down the instinct to drop it and just flee for a moment. Instead, he took a deep breath before he accessed the situation. A few messages came from Allura and Matt, one from his physiotherapist. But the one that stood out was the one from Keith. Without thinking about it, he went for this one first with slightly shaking fingers. 

It was a simple picture of a cup of coffee and a plate with some bread and butter sitting on the edge of a table. “Good morning,” Keith had written underneath. There was a surge of warmth radiating through Shiro’s body. After his good night-message, Keith had thought about him this morning again. And he’d apparently had more than coffee today. Shiro glanced at the time. Keith had sent this text two hours ago… hopefully he didn’t think Shiro hadn’t been ignoring him. 

 

_Shiro: Good morning to you, too :) Glad to see you’re treating yourself with some healthy bread this morning!_

Keith’s answer came almost immediately. 

_Keith: Yeah, I thought I might give it a try and listen to an old wise man._

Shiro raised his eyebrow with a grin. Old man?

_Shiro: I’m not that much older than you, kid._

_Keith: Tell yourself whatever makes you feel better._  
_Keith: Do you have any plans for today?_

Plans. As if Shiro had plans that were out of his usual routine.  
_Shiro: The usual. Sitting in my apartment, maybe reading a bit, later. What about you?_

_Keith: What are you reading? Classes later and off for a little hike now._

Shiro felt something tugging at the inside of his chest. He missed hiking.

_Shiro: Just some book on physiology and nutrition. Sport nerds stuff._

He hesitated. 

_Shiro: I wish I come with you on that hike._

He had to lay the phone down after this for a moment, relieving a shaky breath. He really wished he wouldn’t be stuck in this apartment. But his anxiety had become this overpowering force that had taken over his life and held it in an iron grip.. he hated feeling so powerless and helpless every day. Shiro phone vibrated again next to him and he picked it up through the haze of dull sadeness. 

_Keith: You can…_ There was a photo attached to the message. It showed tall trees beside a small, winding path on the left side, the hint of the downside of a hill on the right. Keith was typing again.  
_Keith: ...I’m just going to take you along for the ride like this._  
_Keith: Until we can do it for real._

Shiro almost forgot how to breathe for a moment, his world singled down to the phone in his hands. There was so much he was reading into those words that had his mind rearing and his thoughts tumbling. Keith sent a few more pictures of the nature around him.  
Keith wanted him along for a hike.  
He wanted him along _right now_.  
And there was something else. Something that stung a little, tore at his insides, but Shiro refused to let his anxiety take over for once.  
Keith believed that there would be a time when he would be able to actually go with him. And it wasn’t because he didn’t see the monster holding Shiro hostage for what it was. He recognized it as a powerful being, but still thought Shiro would be capable of fighting it and stand a chance of winning. 

Another picture. Flowers with time, with Keith’s hand gently pushing them to the direction of his camera. 

_Shiro: Thank you. This really means a lot._

Shiro usually prefered talking to someone over text messages, but right now, he was grateful he didn’t have to try to speak. His voice would have betrayed the turmoil of his emotions, if he would have even managed to speak at all through the tears he didn’t want to cry. 

Over the next hour, Keith sent pictures of almost everything he saw on his way he was taking up the hill and Shiro commented on the beauty of it. He missed the quiet of nature, which was so different from the quiet of his apartment. Less suffocating and dead. Nature was always thriving, always finding a way to live. It was nice to go with Keith like this, he could also imagine himself being there with him when he closed his eyes, tried to feel the sun on his skin and the smell of the flowers. He knew how there were supposed to smell, after all. 

The last picture Keith sent had the air stuck in his lungs. It was a picture of a young man, smiling brightly at the camera with gleaming eyes. With his free hand, he gestured towards the view from the top on the hill, but Shiro could barely bring himself to look at it. His fingers twitched with the urge to wander over the sharp angles of that face in front of him, but he tried to control himself. Keith looked vaguely like his avatar in game and Shiro had to smile at the thought. Somehow, it felt very keith-y that the two of them weren’t so different. He wore his given name in real life, after all .Keith’s eyes seemed to be looking right at him and Shiro stared back. They had a purple-ish hue do to the lighting and he knew he could get lost in them forever if he only allowed himself. Shit. Why did Matt always have to be right?  
He took a long, shaky breath, deciding to do something brave for once. 

_Shiro: Beautiful! And the view isn’t that bad, either._

His heart started hammering in his chest, he considered turning off his phone and never showing up online ever again for a tiny moment, but then willed himself to take deep, steady breaths. After all, he wanted to be brave for once.  
The buzz of his phone vibrated through every fibre of his body when Keith answered. 

_Keith: I didn’t know you were such a flatterer_

Shiro grinned stupidly. It wasn’t an outright rejection and Keith didn’t seem to be annoyed by what he’d said. He thought about what he should answer and nearly dropped his phone when the doorbell blared over the sound of his racing heartbeat. He swore silently and got to his feet. He didn’t want to deal with anyone right now, he had thoughts to think, messages to write... But it would probably only be the postman, dropping of another packet for his neighbour who seemed to have developed a serious online shopping problem over the past few months. He would be back with Keith in no time. Still, he typed a quick message to battle the feeling of falling into an awkward silence with him. 

_Shiro: I’m usually not :)_

Shiro opened the door, phone still in hand and froze. 

“Allura?”

“Hi,” she greeted a bit sheepishly. “I sorry so come over unannounced but.. I was a bit worried.”

 

“Why?” Shiro furrowed his brow, but stepped aside and motioned for Allura to come in. As always, she entered his apartment with the same comfortable ease of someone who had been here a thousand times before. 

“You seemed a bit off yesterday and you haven’t answered my text, so…”

Shiro almost missed a step as he followed her. _Shit_.He’d completely forgotten to look at any of the other texts he’d gotten this morning. “God, Allura… I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to ignore you.” 

Allura had already made her way into the living room and Shiro followed on her heels. She said down on the couch, looking up at him intently.

“It’s ok, just… are you alright?”

“I am, I am…” He fiddled with his fingers nervously and decided to sit down text to her, just to give his body something to do. “I was just… texting Keith. I’m really sorry, I saw your text, but I just.. completely forgot about it.” 

“Texting Keith, huh?” 

Shiro knew that tone and he could immediately feel her eyes on him. He refused to look at her directly, too scared of what she might see. “Yeah.. he’s been out hiking. He just.. sent me some pictures and stuff. It was nice.”

“ _Nice_.”

Shiro’s phone buzzed again but he tried to ignore it. 

“That’s probably him again, huh?” Allura asked evenly, pointing at his phone. 

“Maybe. Could be Matt, too. I haven’t answered his text, either,” he sighed. “Again, I’m sorry.”

“As long as you’re ok, I don’t care.” She gave him a very warm smile before her expression turned more serious. “You know I only mean to meet him for business purpose, right?”

“Yeah, sure...” Was he, though? 

“I mean.. Matt and the rest have been teasing us yesterday. I’m not going to go on a _date_ with Keith. I’ve really just been thinking about adding self-defense to our studio for a while.”

Shiro couldn’t quite explain the relieve he felt at her words. He’d known, or at least, he’d thought he’d known that she wasn’t pursuing Keith in a romantic sense. But Keith’s questions about her relationship statues on top of his willingness to meet her had rendered him uncertain.  
But even if Allura wasn’t interested in Keith like this, it could still be a one-sided thing.

“Did he send you the information?” Shiro asked, suddenly very interested in picking on a broken fingernail on his left hand.

“Yeah, he did. But that was all he sent me, he didn’t even answer when I asked which day would be best for me to show up. Guess he’s been busy texting _you_ all morning.” Allura took his hand, which effectively stopped his fumbling, and squeezed it. Shiro couldn’t help the smile that wormed its way to his lips at her words. As if Keith had known they were talking about him, Shiro’s phone buzzed once again with one of his messages. He turned the screen on to glance at it and, as one of his best friends, Allura suddenly forgot was personal space or privacy meant. Shiro let her, knowing she wasn’t taking anything from him. 

_Keith: Maybe this way you can concentrate on the real beauty here!_

There was another picture of the view from the hill. 

Allura, who was practically seated on his lap by now, tried to grab at his phone. “Is that him?” She tried to scroll up on his phone but Shiro put it out of her reach with a laugh. 

“Yes, it’s him. Don’t be so nosy.”

“Come on, let me see him.” The way she blinked at him with her big excited eyes let Shiro’s defenses melt. She was about to meet him either way, so Keith probably wouldn’t mind. 

“Wow.. Shiro,” she chuckled as she obviously read his answer to the picture. “He really _is_ beautiful.” She handed back his phone. “Your flirting was cute, by the way.”

For a moment, Shiro considered denying he’d been flirting at all. But he knew Allura probably wouldn’t buy it and what’s the point? He had been flirting. It didn’t have to mean anything, though. 

“I was too nervous to come up with something more creative,” Shiro confessed. “I’m just glad he didn’t react badly to it.”

Allura smiled again. “You did well, Shiro. I really think it was cute.”

“It’s… not a big deal,” he lied. “Just.. please don’t tell Matt or I’ll never hear the end of it.”

 

That earned him an outright laugh. “I won’t, don’t worry. Um… hey, now that I’m here..” The way she looked suddenly away from him made Shiro nervous. “Are you... up for a little trip to the coffee shop?”

 

Shiro hesitated. Allura knew what she was asking of him and usually he’d say no to every unnecessary trip outside. What if he had a panic attack? What if something really dangerous happened? Allura had asked him to go outside with her in the past and she had always been understanding when he’d declined. 

But today… the moment he closed his eyes, Keith’s picture flashed through his mind. The promise of a hiking trip in the future, of meeting him, weighted within Shiro now, right next to the knowledge that Keith thought _he could do this_. 

“Ok.”

“Really?” Allura’s eyes widened in surprise and she grabbed his hand a little too hard in excitement. Shiro realised that she hadn’t expected that answer. 

“Yeah, really,” he laughed a little breathlessly. Excitement and fear surging through his body at the same time. “I just need to grab my wallet and then we can go.” 

While Allura quickly used the bathroom (possibly more to tell Matt about their trip than to actually use it), Shiro quickly sent a text message to Keith. 

_Shiro: Allura is here now so I have to entertain her. It is a nice view, but the picture you sent before is still my favourite._


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really sorry it took me so long to update. work is crazy right now and I'm barely home... but I'll try to write as much as possible so I don't have to keep you waiting too long

Sometime during their trip to the coffee shop. Shiro had been sure he was about to die right on the spot. But then against all expectations, he hadn’t; he’d arrived drenched in sweat, but he’d _arrived_. And once they were there, it wasn’t even that bad. The coffee shop had once been one of his favourite places and it had strangely felt like sitting down in an old friend’s living room. Even his old barista was still working there and he’d greeted him with a friendly smile and a question for his well-being (which Shiro had answered with a lie - not _everthing_ was fine).   
Being at the coffee shop had been _nice_. Relaxing had been easy once he’d had his coffee and was able to sink into his favourite old and comfortable armchair. The interior was still completely the same, the smell of coffee and cake was strong in the air and his ears still picked up the same ambient music they were playing every day. Time seemed to have stopped for this little coffee shop, it was untouched by accidents, change, and fear, untouched by the unpredictableness of life. For a moment, Shiro had been able to pretend that everything was indeed fine, that not moments ago, he’d almost broken down crying in the middle of the street. It had been a strange feeling that made his head feel dizzy and light. _He could do this_. He could do _something_.   
He’d even felt brave enough to send Keith a picture of his coffee mug (which Keith had liked), but had to keep Allura from snapping a picture of him with said mug. That was something he wasn’t brave enough to do. 

Even if Keith was attracted to men (a possibility Allura was treating as a fact, because ‘only a few straight men react so chill to another man’s flirtations’), Shiro didn’t want Keith to have to deal with the reality of himself. His anxiety was one part of it, but the scars on his body, on his _face_ and his missing arm was a completely different thing. He might have developed a tiny crush on Keith, but he knew that nothing would come of it. Keith was extremely attractive, talented, and smart… there were probably tons of people - man or woman - lining up at his door already. He didn’t need Allura to get his hopes up only to be heartbroken in the end. He wasn’t sure he’d be able to recover from this, so Shiro knew he couldn’t allow himself to fall too hard. 

Flirting with Keith was exciting and exhilarating, something he hadn’t done in a very long time. It interrupted the neverending grey of his loneliness, his desperation, and that was really all he could ask for. Shiro was still looking forward to meeting Keith in person one day, even though it would only revolve in friendship.   
Letting his gaze wander around in the coffee shop, Shiro had been more than grateful for everything Keith had so unknowingly done for him.

***

The next few days had Shiro slipping back into his old routines.  
Mostly.  
He still got up every morning, tried to do some light training, went to his physiotherapist with Matt, and spent a lot of time in an online game. But the things he found himself looking forward to, were the tiny changes: For once, every single one of his days now started with Keith saying good morning and each day ended with him wishing Keith a good night. There were some occasional pictures from Keith when he went for a walk, but Shiro still had only the one picture of his face. Shiro hadn’t been able to look at Keith’s avatar in-game without said face flashing before his eyes, and it sparked a light fluttering in his stomach every time.  
Allura had asked for another coffee shop date and Shiro hadn’t been opposed to the idea even though the first thing he felt when thinking about it was fear. He knew he could do it, now, no matter how painful the process of getting there was. Just like everything, he trusted that training would bring a certain kind of easiness into it at one point. Shiro wasn’t naive enough to think that was all he needed, though. A lot of time had gone into looking up websites of therapists in his area, but he hadn’t called any of them, yet. One step at the time.

Another non-Keith related change to his routine was Matt’s interest in the blade of marmora incidence, which caused him to be online more frequently. So far, nothing had happened and it had gotten to a point where Matt started to make jokes about how the blades were probably too scared to mess with him. 

Until today, when one of them actually showed up. They’d just finished up a quest in an ancient castle when Hunk had spotted him behind a pillar.

“He’s just standing there,” Pidge said. “Just like the last time.”

[RebelFighter]: I want them to attack. I want to see what they can do. 

“Oh good. Matt has a deathwish,” Lance drawled.

[RebelFighter]: We can take them on

“I’m not so sure about that,” Keith said. Shiro hated how uneasy he sounded. “They are really skilled fighters.”

[RebelFighter]: @Keith I know, but I’ve never seen them in action

Shiro wanted to say something, but right that moment, the blade was following Matt’s wish and lunged at them. His shoulders tensed up immediately as he saw Keith jump in front of him. 

“Matt, Lance,” Keith yelled, “Try to keep him distracted. Don’t let him get to the others.”

“You can let him get to Shiro,” Lance mumbled through gritted teeth, although he followed Keith’s orders. “He can actually take the damage.”

“Just don’t let him hit you, then you don’t need to be able to take the damage,” Keith shot back, running his attacker through with his blades. 

“Matt would probably tell you to kiss it out,” Pidge informed them as Meklavar started to hack on the blade.

“Stay out of my way, Pidge!”

“Plan your attacks better before you yell at me, Lance!”

“Great, now I need healing.”

 

“I can’t heal you when you’re running around like this,” Allura sighed.

“Allura, take care of Matt, first.”

“I said I need healing _first_!”

“Yeah, but our chances of winning are way better with Matt alive.” 

Despite the fight going on on screen, Shiro couldn’t keep the bark of laughter contained. He knew he should focus on the fight more than on their bickering, but he was always very aware of everything Keith said or did. And, honestly, it didn’t look like the three rogues really were in need of his assistance. Keith danced out of harm's way most of the time and delivered some nasty blows in between, and while the blade of marmora guy was still dealing an incredible amount of damage to everyone who dared to come close, he was alone and lacking a healer. It was a hard and long fight, still, considering they only had _one_ opponent, but in the end, he had no other choice than to steal himself away in a cloud of smoke. 

“We did it!” Hunk and Pidge exclaimed at the same time. 

“Yeah,” Lance sounded a bit worn out, “We really did. Wow.”

[RebelFighter] says: That was incredible!  
[RebelFighter] whispers to [Takashi]: OH MY GOD! What’s up with this guy?!

“Thanks, brother. Guess you were right. Those guys should be scared to mess with us when you’re here.”

[RebelFighter] says: @Pidge damn right!   
[Takashi] whispers to [RebelFighter]: The blade of marmora dude? 

“Hey, I was there, too!”

“I know that, Lance.”

[RebelFighter] whispers to [Takashi]: No, I mean Keith. He’s an incredible fighter. I’ve seen him in dungeons, but this was different  
[Takashi] whispers to [RebelFighter]: he’s really good  
[RebelFighter] whispers to [Takashi]: No, you don’t understand  
[RebelFighter] whispers to [Takashi]: I mean this is some professional level shit  
[Takashi] whispers to [RebelFighter]: I think he’s been playing for a while?

“Shiro, what do you think?”

“Huh?” Shiro had been too caught up reading Matt’s messages to follow the ongoing conversation between the rest of his friends, but the mention of his name caught his attention. 

“What do you think of this fight?”

“Keith was.. I mean.. you were all really great.” He could hear Lance groan and the hint of Hunk and Pidge giggling. “Um.. good job, team!”

“This will not be their last attack,” Keith sighed. 

“But we beat them, right? They should know not to mess with us from now on.”

“That was only _one_ guy, Hunk. I’m afraid Keith is right.” 

[RebelFighter] says: The BoM will probably be back soon. I agree with Keith and Pidge

“Yeah, because everyone agrees with Keith these days,” Lance mumbled. 

Shiro ignored him. The thought of having to face the blade of marmora again gave him a weird feeling, but there was something else nagging at the back of his mind. Matt had called Keith’s level of gaming professional and they’d never been attacked before Keith joined their group. It became more and more clear to him what they really wanted. And that was something, some _one_ , he wasn’t willing to lose.

***

The next morning had Shiro feeling restless and anxious. They’d been able to play for a while longer before going to bed without any further attacks and he’d received his usual good night and a good morning text from Keith. So everything should be fine, right?  
But it wasn’t. It wasn’t just the fact that he feared the blade of marmora for other reasons than simply ruining their fun in-game, although _that_ thought had kept him up for a good amount of the night as well. But there was another threat looming over his head right now. One that felt even more real: Today was the day Allura and Keith were going to meet and no matter how hard Shiro tried to distract himself with tasks like sorting his socks or dusting his plants, his mind always came back to playing scenarios of how this could work out over and over again.

1\. Allura and Keith meet. Their meeting is about business and that’s it. Everything went back to normal.   
That was the scenario Shiro thought about the least.   
2\. Allura and Keith meet. Keith is clearly attracted to Allura, but she has no interest in him. The rejection affects how Keith feels about playing with them and Shiro never hears of him again.   
3\. Allura and Keith meet. And even though Allura says she has no interest in him, meeting him in person changes that.   
3.1. Allura doesn’t give in because she knows how much it would hurt Shiro. But Shiro, being the good friend he is, tries to reassure her that he wants her to be happy. He truly wants that. He watches their wedding over an online stream because he can’t leave the house to go to the ceremony.   
3.2. Allura gives in immediately. Her love for Keith is bigger than her friendship with Shiro and he can’t cope with that so they drift apart and he loses all of his friends. While he spends Christmas at home alone, his friends are gathered at Allura’s and Keith’s home, laughing at his stupid text messages from the past.

His anxious brain didn’t care how stupid it sounded once he put rational thought into it. It just kept spinning until his stomach started to feel funny and he regretted every bit of food he’d had so far.   
Shiro was scared to lose Allura, one of the few real friends he really had, and he was scared of losing Keith and the promise of something special, the illusion that helped him get out of bed every morning. 

He should really be looking into this therapy stuff more. A lot of those therapists sounded really nice and making a simple phone call shouldn’t be that hard after all. It wasn’t fair to have Keith unknowingly carry all his hopes for the future. He had no illusion that something would come out of texting and innocently flirting with Keith, he was way too broken for that, and one day, Keith would grow tired of all his inabilities and move on. But he wanted something like this, something special, with _someone_ , someday. The illusion with Keith felt good already and they hadn’t even met yet. 

The mountain of lonely socks on his floor vibrated as his phone buzzed right next to it. Shiro picked it up, still lost in thought and felt like thrown into cold water when he saw Allura’s text message. 

_[Allura: Keith is even cuter irl! But he looks deadly when he fights. He did a little show for me with a co-worker.]_

Shiro sighed. He wished he could be there with them, seeing Keith perform some fancy stunts. He wished Keith would show him some of those moves, the way he would show Allura. The fulfilling of all his wishes was only a car ride away but getting in a car was even more frightening than going outside on foot. Allura had told him the name of studio Keith worked in and of course, Shiro had googled it (sadly, there’d been no pictures of him, just the mention of him being in charge of self-defense classes). On top of his initial problems, getting to Keith’s studio would mean passing by the place where he’d crashed. And he wasn’t ready for that. 

Another message from Allura. This time it was a picture of her having her arm around Keith, who was smiling at the camera a bit shyly. 

_[Allura: Look? What a cutie!]_ Shiro’s face twisted into the grimace of a sad smile. Yes. If only he could be there with them. If only he could wrap his arm around Keith and pull him close. He tried to imagine holding him for a moment, feeling the warmth of his body against him… but the cool air around him felt even colder when he glanced at his screen and saw Allura with him again. She had what he wanted. And the outcome of their meeting was still unclear and frightening to him.   
Shiro knew he couldn’t allow himself to act weird again, though, and so he sent Allura a quick reply on how good they looked, then put down the phone and got his hands busy on his socks again. At least they didn’t have to be lonely like him anymore. 

Spending the rest of the day dwelling on his fears and loneliness, he was glad when it was finally time to log into the game. He’d hoped for an opportunity to finally stop his thoughts from tumbling to all the dark places, but when the first thing he heard was Allura gushing over Keith via voice chat, his stomach sank once again. 

 

“He’s a really cool guy. Very attractive.”

“Hi, guys.” Shiro tried to keep his voice even. 

“Hi, Shiro,” Hunk and Allura greeted him at the same time. 

“The others aren’t online yet?” 

Lance announced his presence with an annoyed and unhappy grumbling, which Shiro could relate to all too well. Lance probably didn’t like the way Allura wasn’t talking about Keith, either. 

“Pidge and Matt are having a family dinner. And Keith is still giving classes, I think,” Allura informed him and he tried to swallow down the weird feeling it gave him that she knew about Keith’s whereabouts and he did not. There’d been no text messages from Keith that day telling him he’d be later or what he was doing. Maybe meeting Allura already showed the effects Shiro had feared for. 

“Ok, so are we waiting for Keith or are we going to go on a mission or something?” He failed to keep the slightly annoyed edge out of his voice.

“Wait, before we do anything,” Hunk cut in, “we’ve kind of been talking to Matt earlier….aaaand-”

“I thought he’s having family dinner?”

“Yeah, well.. he was here a little earlier before he had to leave. Like... Before you came online.”

“Ok?”

“Anyway. You know how Lance and I wanted to go on vacation, right?”

[Block] whispers to [Takashi]: and how much Lance wants to meet Allura. especially not that Keith has met her

“Yeah?” Shiro frowned at the text. 

“Ok, so.. we’ve thought about maybe going on a little guild meeting.”

Shiro tensed. “A.. what?”

“A guild meeting,” Allura said. “Like.. we all meet up. Talk, get to know each other in real life? Maybe have a LAN party?”

 

“Allura, please. This is not the early century. Let’s call it a wifi party.” Lance was the only one snickering at his joke. Shiro only stared ahead with his mouth hanging open. Why was he feeling like he had to run far away all of a sudden?

“That’s all really nice and stuff…,” he said, his voice a bit shaky. “But.. aren’t you forgetting a little something?”

“What?” 

Maybe they didn’t want him around? But no, that was just him being stupid. They were talking to him for a reason. 

“I can’t leave my house? I mean I can but..” He swallowed against the lump in his throat. “You know what I mean,” he added a little frustrated.

“Ha, we’ve thought about that. What do you think we are? Idiots?” Lance asked. 

“Don’t answer that,” Allura laughed. 

“Ha ha, very funny, Allura. Anyway.. we know you can’t really go out but we want to spend time with you.”

“We really do. You’re our friend,” Hunk added and Shiro couldn’t help himself but smile at the conviction in his voice. 

“So..” Allura started cautiously and Shiro steeled himself for the request that was about to come. “What if we just came to visit you and have that cool wifi party and stuff at your place?”


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ugh, I didn't mean to take this long again. I actually was pretty quick writing this chapter and then it took me 100 years to edit it :/
> 
> thanks to everyone leaving kudos and comments! reading comments after all the madness I see at work every day always puts a big smile on my face <3

“Your living room is big enough for Lance and Hunk to sleep in and the rest of us live nearby. I could pick Keith up every day or he can stay with one of us.”

Shiro swallowed at Allura’s words. If Keith decided to come to their guild meeting, he didn’t like the thought of him staying at _her_ place. But he knew he didn’t have any right to decide that for him. 

“Yeah, but.. when you guys visit.. I mean.. I can’t really show you around town or something,” he pointed out. He’d only started to warm up to the idea of another trip to the coffee shop, and he certainly wasn’t prepared for something like this. Meeting Hunk and Lance was something he’d always wanted to do and he liked the idea of spending time with his friends. But it had been an idea for a remote future, and now everything was happening so fast and all at once. 

“Well, I can do that when you have physiotherapy,” Allura said. “And maybe you feel up to another trip to the coffee shop with the rest of us.”

“Sure,” Shiro said, although he already knew that was not going to happen. Just the thought of having his friends witness him going into a full-blown panic attack gave him a cold rush of anxiety. 

“That’s so cool,” Hunk almost yelled in his excitement. “We’re finally going to meet! I’m sure you’re all buff and leader-y, just like Takashi.”

That made Shiro actually chuckle despite all his nervousness. “Yeah, sure. I can lead you aaaall the way from the doorway to my kitchen, but.. that’s pretty much it.”

“That’s fine. The kitchen is the most interesting place, anyway.”

“Oh, are you going to cook for us, Hunk?” Allura asked excitedly. “Lance is always gushing about your food.”

“ _I_ can make dinner for you, too, Allura!” Lance sounded a bit annoyed. 

“Or we let Hunk cook and survive,” Shiro added with a grin.

“Thanks, Shiro, for always having my back.” The sarcasm in Lance’s voice was biting. 

Hunk snickered. “Lance is actually not a bad cook. I’m sure you’d like his food, Allura.”

“See? That’s a good friend. My best friend.”

Shiro wanted to make a remark on how Lance threw this title around when a message appeared on his screen that had his breath stuck in his throat. 

 

[ _Keith is online_ ]

It was like his heart stopped being for a moment. Usually, Shiro was happy to see Keith, he _was_ happy to see him now, but today was filled by the uncertainty of the near future.  
First, he’d got himself worked up over Allura’s and Keith’s meeting (and the outcome of said meeting was still unclear and - even worse - uncontrollable), and now Hunk and Lance had come up with their idea of a guild meeting. A meeting that would include Keith.  
Planning a meeting with his friends was already something that got his body tingling with anxiety, adding Keith to that equation didn’t help. If he agreed to come, one of Shiro’s greatest wishes was about to come true. But it would also mean that the little card house he’d build of all his wishes and hopes was about to collapse.  
Keith would see him for what he was, the broken and damaged man Shiro had to confront every day in the mirror. 

“Hi, Keith,” Allura said. “Finally done with work?” 

“Yeah,” Keith sighed. “Hi everyone. I’m sorry I’m late.”

Shiro swallowed thickly, unable to talk right now. Keith hadn’t sent him a text to let him know he’d be late, maybe that was the first sign that their friendship was about to change after he’d met with Allura. 

“Yeah, not like it’s rude to make us wait like this,” Lance stage-whispered. 

“I’m _sorry_ I had to work.”

“Yeah, I’ve heard about your _work_. I’m sure you enjoy touching all those girls and call it professional.”

“I remember you bragging about flirting with your clients just a few days ago. You call that professionalism?” Keith’s voice sounded strained and Shiro could feel his shoulders tense up even more as a streak of jealousy crawled its way up to his mind. He didn’t like Keith’s defensiveness, didn’t like that he didn’t deny touching Allura… did Lance touch a nerve? 

“Could you stop?” Allura sighed. “Keith was indeed very professional and I don’t think an attempted punch counts as touching.”

“He tried to punch you?!”

“It’s a self-defense class,” Keith drawled. 

“That doesn’t mean you can punch her!” 

“I didn’t!”

“Uh, guys..,” Hunk interjected. “Can you calm down?”

“Ask Keith, I’m calm as hell.”

The breath Keith took was audible even through the headphone. “Whatever. Sure. I’ll _calm down_.”

“Thank you, Keith,” Hunk chuckled. “There’s something important we wanted to tell you. Or… ask you.”

“Ok?” Keith sounded wary. 

[Valayun] whispers to [Takashi]: Are you alright? You’re awfully quiet.

“Yeah, look.. Lance and I wanted to go on vacation, anyway, so… We thought about meeting up and having a little guild meeting-”

Shiro’s mind blanked and he went into that weird kind of stasis he remembered from his days in the hospital. It’d happened a few times when everything was too much and his senses threatened to overload with information. He saw Allura’s question, he heard Hunk talk about the meeting. But his brain didn’t care to process the information or react to it. He was like an empty vessel, information running through him like cold water.

“-And we’d love to have you with us! What do you say?” 

“I.. don’t know.” Shiro heard Keith’s voice as if he was talking through a thick veil. “What about Shiro?”

Something in his chest clenched painfully. Did Keith truly care? He had Allura now, hadn’t he? Allura who could train with him and meet him and go outside on hikes.  
But Keith had shown that he cared about him in the past. Why had his brain also have to go and ruin things for him? 

[Valayun] whispers to [Takashi]: Shiro?

“He’ll be with us, of course! We plan to have the meeting at his house.” 

The cheery way Hunk was talking about all this stood in stark contrast to the dread Shiro was feeling. His fingers hovered over the keys, paralyzed and still unable to answer Allura’s question. His whole being was fixated to Keith’s reaction and to everything that was attached to it. He tried to prepare for the possible, or inevitable, rejection. 

“Then yeah, sure. Sounds like a good idea.”

_What?_

“Yay! That’s good news,” Hunk cheered. “That’s so cool. The whole guild is coming together! I’m going to text Pidge and Matt… Oh, and Shiro, I promise we’ll try not to make a mess out of your house.”

“Speak for yourself, Hunk, I will make no such promises,” Lance added casually, which only caused Hunk to go into a long talk about how to behave at a friend’s house. Shiro didn’t listen. Instead, he tried to get his brain to reach his prickling fingers so he could answer Allura. 

“Shiro?” Keith’s voice rang through to him. “Are you there?”

Shiro’s mouth worked a few times, but no sound came out. He felt the seconds slip by, felt the pressure to answer rise, but his body didn’t react. The voice chat went silent when there was no word from him. He needed to do something. 

“Shiro?” Keith sounded slightly panicked now.

“Yes,” Shiro croaked out. “I’m here.” 

His head buzzed and he felt like he was swaying in his seat.

“Oh, good. I thought you were.. afk.. or something.” 

_Or something_. 

“I’m alright.” He wasn’t. “Just.. just.. give me a moment.”

[Valayun] whispers to [Takashi]: I’m coming over.

***

“I’m so stupid.” Shiro buried his head in his hands while Allura petted his back in a soothing gesture.

“You’re not, sweetie. I get that it’s a bit much.. If you’re not up to it, the others will understand.”

“No!” Shiro’s head snapped up again. That was not what he wanted. “I am up to it.” Was he? “I want to meet them.” At least that part he was sure of. 

“Then..” Allura searched his eyes and he had to will himself not to start fidgeting under her intense stare. “ what is it?”

“I…” How was he supposed to explain the madness that was going on in his head to an outsider? “You know…” He couldn’t show her all the dark places he’s been to these last few hours, could he? Would she understand even if he tried? “Keith is.. special to me.”

“I know.” Allura grinned at him and knocked their shoulders together teasingly. 

“No. Not like that.. I mean.. the idea of him is special to me.”

Allura nodded, but then she stopped thoughtfully. “What do you mean, the _idea_ of him?”

 

“He.. talking to him is special to me. It’s something I look forward to every day. And I know nothing’s going to come out of it.. but..”

“Why would nothing come out of it?” Allura looked genuinely surprised. 

“Because.. he’s met you now.” He held up a hand when Allura opened her mouth to interject. “And you’re.. amazing. You can do all the stuff I can’t. And.. I..” he sighed. “I might have a little crush on him. But I know that’s not how he feels about me. It can’t be. But it doesn’t matter, anyway.” He took a deep breath. “Keith is the first friend I’ve made in a really long time. And he.. I don’t know how to explain it, but it feels special and.. even though nothing’s going to come out of it, I want something like this in my life in the future. Keith believes in me and as long as he doesn’t know me in real life, I can tell myself it’s real. Once he sees what a mess I am, everything will go to shit. He might not want to be my friend anymore.”

Allura looked at him, seemingly contemplating her next words. “I don’t know why you’re trying so hard to eliminate the possibility of something good coming out of it. You’re an amazing person, Shiro. You’re strong and kind and loving and… you’re hot as fuck.”

Shiro snorted. “Language.” Without really thinking about it, he glanced at his prosthetic. There was no way anyone could look at it and not be put off by it, he was sure of it. Hot was something that lay in the past. 

Allura didn’t see his look or chose not to mention it, instead, she only shrugged at his chiding. “Keith is a nice guy and I think he likes you. I don’t think he’ll abandon you because of your problems. He’ll be there for you as a friend at the very least.” 

Now it was Shiro’s time to shrug. “I don’t know..” What Allura said sounded like something straight out of a children’s book, the ones that had these uplifting conclusions to their story. Shiro knew they weren’t true, though. He’d lived it. 

“I’ve met the guy.” Allura’s words stung a bit. “And I think I _do_ know. He really cares, trust me. And he doesn't seem like one of those fair-weather friends.” 

“Maybe. I don’t…” he sighed. “I’m sorry, Allura, but I can’t allow myself to get my hopes up. Just thinking about all of this hurts way too much and one panic attack is enough for today.”

“Ok, ok. I won’t push. Just.. give him a chance, ok? Don’t push him away just because you’re afraid to get hurt.”

“I won’t.” Shiro allowed himself a small, sad smile. “I don’t think I could, to be honest.”

It looked like Allura wanted to say something, but startled when her phone buzzed loudly on Shiro’s coffee table. She held up a finger to Shiro to let him know she’d check her messages real quick. 

“Huh, speaking of the devil,” she glanced at him over her screen. “Keith wants to know if you’re ok. Said he sent you a bunch of text but you didn’t answer.”

Shiro told himself that this was about to be expected. His sudden exit from the voice chat had probably been followed by a ton of messages from his friends… but that small, special feeling that Keith was going as far as texting Allura wormed its way directly into his heart and made him feel warm. 

“What are you waiting for?” Allura raised her eyebrow. “Get your phone and answer him. Or do you want me to tell him something?”

“No need.” Shiro fumbled his phone from his pocket, he’d turned off the vibration earlier because it hadn’t helped his anxiety to know he had to deal with his friends and their worries. There were indeed a lot of messages when he turned on the screen and he tried to angle away from Allura to give himself some sense of privacy. Allura, of course, would have none of it, and instead only watch his phone over his shoulder without even trying to be subtle. 

 

[Keith: Are you ok?]  
[Keith: I’m worried about you]  
[Keith: Is there anything I can do? If you don’t want me to come to the meeting it’s ok. I’m practically still a stranger to you, I understand. I won’t take it personally]  
[Keith: I know Allura’s with you right now. I hope she can help. Let me know if you need something.]

Shiro let out a shuddering breath. He didn’t think Keith would be so worried about him. Not that he wanted him to be worried by not answering his texts, that would have been a shitty and manipulative thing to do. 

 

“Told you he cared.” Allura put her arms around his waist and hugged him from behind. 

“Yeah..” For the first time today, Shiro felt relax as he melted into Allura’s embrace and what he told himself were his own delusions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wonder how I messed up the formatting this time ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you all for your patience, comments and kudos! It really really means a lot <3  
> I hope this chapter isn't too messy.. I'm so tired and my brain works in mysterious ways :/

“How did it go?” Matt leaned against the doorframe, looking expectantly at Shiro. His posture too casual in a way that it unintentionally showed off his curiosity. 

“It was.. ok. The guy’s a bit odd but nice.” Shiro shrugged his shoulders and walked right past him, heading straight to the door. Even though it truly had been _okay_ , he wanted to put some space between himself and this building.  
It felt a bit like running away. 

“So.. you’re not cured, yet?” Matt fell into step with him. Shiro just rolled his eyes, which got him a big, teasing grin from his friend. It lasted only for a few seconds until Matt grew more serious. “I’m glad you decided to do that, really.”

“Me too, I think,” Shiro sighed. “This Coran guy said the decision to go to therapy is the hardest step.”

“Coran sounds like a liar.”

Shiro chuckled. “That’s what I thought.” He hesitated a moment when they reached the door, waiting for Matt to take the lead. Fortunately, Coran’s office wasn’t as far from his apartment, but the ten minutes it took him to get there would still take its toll on him. He knew there was no way around it, though. If he wanted to get better, if he wanted to have the future he dreamt of, he needed to do this. Even though the prospect of what Coran had called their future ‘outwalk training’ was something that would have him running out of the building if that wasn’t the exact part that got him scared in the first place.  
Shiro still had to do it. There was no way he could fix it on his own at this point. 

Matt’s hand landed heavily on his shoulders once he’d passed the invisible barrier that separated the safety of the inside world from the danger outside. “I’m proud of you, Shiro, really.”

“Thank you.” 

The grin on Matt’s face suggested that he wouldn’t like what was about to come next. 

“Keith really has a positive influence.”

“He doesn’t know I’m going to therapy, yet.” It had been hard enough for Shiro to make that call and ask Matt for help. 

“Oh.” Matt stopped walking and Shiro grit his teeth as his body screamed for the safety of his home. Standing still just meant they’d get there delayed. “You want to surprise him?”

He shrugged his shoulders a bit defiantly. Right now, he didn’t have it in him to argue with Matt’s teasing remarks. Not while they were outside. 

“Maybe, one day, kind of,” Shiro grimaced and forced himself to keep walking. Fortunately, Matt followed immediately. “But.. more importantly, I want to make sure I keep on _going_ to therapy before I tell anyone. This was just the first session.”

Matt nodded. “Ok, I get it. I won’t say a thing. But I’m sure he’ll be proud of you just for trying.” 

“Maybe… but I’m not doing it for him.” He didn’t. Talking to Keith had set the ball rolling, but Shiro wanted to get better for himself, not for Keith. There was a small part of him that wished he could indeed kind of do it for Keith, but he had no delusions about a quick solution to his problems. Fighting his demons would take time, too much to get anywhere before he’d meet Keith and screw any chance of something special. But Matt’s words still made his insides feel warm because he could feel the truth in them. Keith _would_ be proud for even trying to find a therapist. And he wouldn’t think less of him even if he decided to take the prescription he wasn’t telling Matt about to the pharmacy.

***

Shiro entered the game feeling a bit excited that evening. He’d broken with his routines once again, but this time it felt even more significant. He’d taken the first step to a normal life and he was happy to see the people who’d given him the strength and support to do so.  
The people he’d meet soon in real life for the first time.  
Today he was in such a high spirit that the thought of the upcoming guild meeting only gave him a short-lived quiver of anxiety. He could do this. Even though having all those people in his house meant no safe haven for his breakdowns. He could do this. Maybe.

The rest of the guild was already online when he logged in, caught in what seemed to be a lively debate. 

“Shiro! Finally!” Lance said instead of a greeting. Not that Shiro would be bothered by it. He knew Lance never meant to be rude, but rather had problems controlling his impulses and excitement sometimes. 

“I’m glad to see you, too.”

“Hi, Shiro! There’ve been some weird things happening,” Pidge said. “Look who’s been following us the whole time.”

Shiro turned his attention to the screen where Takashi stood surrounded by his friends’ avatars. “What the…”  
Right next to Lance, there was another avatar staying, looking exactly like Takashi, down from his character design to his armour. “Who is that guy?”

“I have no idea. We tried to talk to him but he doesn’t respond.” Keith sounded a bit stressed out. “Hi, by the way.”

Great. Just when Shiro thought he’d just sit down and have a nice and easy evening with his friends. 

[RebelFighter] says: Maybe he’s a fan <3 @Shiro

“Kuron,” Shiro read out loud, purposely ignoring Matt’s comment. “That’s a weird name.”

“More of a weird guy,” Pidge sighed. “Shouldn’t we do something about him?”

“I don’t.. know,” Allura sighed. “I mean.. he doesn’t really do anything. It’s not against the rules to look like Shiro and.. walk close to us.”

“No,” Hunk said. “But I can’t shake the feeling that something weird is going on with that guy.”

“Maybe it’s just a bored teenager from Hungary who’s trying to annoy people,” Shiro shrugged his shoulders. But something about this guy gave him a weird feeling, too, and he hated how he could practically feel it chipping away on his good mood. 

“Maybe we should tell a GM about it?” Pidge asked, 

“A GM?” Shiro raised an eyebrow at his screen. 

“Oh, sorry. GM means game master, and..-”

“-I _know_ what GM stands for,” he interrupted a bit tersely. It wasn’t like he’d just started playing the game two days ago.

[RebelFighter] says: Oh yes, Shiro sure knows what a GM is!

“Oh don’t you dare..”

“I can sense a story behind those words…,” Keith muttered. 

“Matt, no. Don’t,” Shiro said warningly. He sure didn’t want Keith to know about _that_ story. But of course, Matt wouldn’t miss a chance to embarrass him. 

[RebelFighter] says: sweet little level 1 Takashi fell over the edge of the world, once. A GM had to save him. 

“What?” Lance squeaked. “How did you even do that?”

“I have so many questions,” Hunk whispered. 

“I don’t know.” Shiro crossed his arms over his chest, making a mental note to find a way to get revenge on Matt. “I was excited, ok? I wanted to know what was on the black parts of the map.”

“But.. how did you actually fall off? I mean, those areas are rocky and unclimbable,” Pidge said, sounding a bit excited. 

“They are _not_ unclimbable.” In another context, Shiro would have been proud of that statement. “It took me a while to get up there, but I really wanted to see the other side.”

“Sheer determination. I like that,” Keith chuckled. 

“And then you fell?” Hunk asked, the amusement obvious in his voice. 

“Yes. I landed on a ledge and.. the graphic around me just stop? There was nowhere I could go. I couldn’t even plunge myself into the abyss and die.”

“So you had to call on the GM,” Keith concluded with another small chuckle. 

“Yes.”

“You’re a true legend, Shiro,” Pidge snickered. “I’m sure this guy’s grandchildren will hear about this story.”

“Ha ha, very funny.”

“Anyway,” Keith said with barely contained laughter. “I don’t think calling a GM makes sense. As Allura said, this guy isn’t doing anything illegal.”

[RebelFighter] says: let’s just ignore him for now. 

The guild agreed, but as it turned out, ignoring him didn’t really solve the issue. Kuron followed them wherever they went, which often led to confusion. Shiro tried changing his outfit a few times to help Takashi look different, but Kuron always kept up with him. Whatever game this guy was playing, he was very dedicated to it. The weirdest part about was something else, though: Kuron actually fought with them. Whenever someone attacked them or they were facing a boss, he was there, making quick work of it, saving them a lot of time and energy.

“Whoa, this guy is great,” Lance cheered. “We should ask him if he wants to join our guild.”

“We already have a paladin.” Keith sounded a bit tired. He’d been more quiet than usual and it had gotten to a point where it had caught Shiro’s attention. 

“Well, we _did_ have a rogue, too, but we still let you join,” Lance shot back. 

“I’m with Keith here, though. He’s good, yeah, but we already have one Takashi,” Hunk said.

“Thanks, Hunk. I’d also like to be the only me in this group.”

Having Takashi’s doppelganger around was weird, but they all thought nothing of it, as they suspected it would only be a one-time thing. Over the course of the next few days, they figured out how wrong they’d been. Whenever they logged into the game, Kuron was there, seemingly already waiting for them and eager to assist. It would have been disturbing, hadn’t he been so _useful_. The guild earned xp like never before and since Kuron never showed any interest in loot, no one really complained. 

“Maybe he _is_ a Hungarian teen who doesn’t speak English,” Pidge mused the other day. 

It made sense to some degree. After all, he refused to answer any attempt of conversation.  
Allura even tried to flirt with him to get a reaction - but it only resulted in a sulky Lance with whom they had to deal with for hours.  
All the theorizing got them nowhere. After a while, they just got used to him and it started to feel like they’d always had a mute weird Takashi clone fighting along with them. Matt joked that it was just like having Shiro astral projection in two places at the same time and it quickly turned into the running joke of thanking Shiro whenever Kuron landed a kill. 

A week later, right after Shiro’s second therapy session, he was trying to kill time online as so many nights before. This time was a little different, though. Coran had given him some homework and just thinking about it made him feel weird. 

_”A meditation app?”_ He’d asked Coran with a frown. _”Why?” ___

___”Well, one because I want you to learn how to relax. And I want you to practice at least once a day! And two, because I want you to be more aware of what’s going on in your body and mind.”_ _ _

__Shiro was ok with the first part, but the second had got him worrying. Whenever he had a panic attack, he _was_ hyperaware of what’s going on in his body. Even up to a point where just thinking about those sensations was close to triggering his anxiety anew. Plus, being aware of his body meant also being aware of the part that _didn’t_ belong there, namely his arm, and the trauma it stood for.  
So basically, the whole thing that should help his anxiety was giving him anxiety. _ _

__Coran had said he should try meditating before going to bed so right now, he was stalling. The problem was, the rest of his team was slowly logging off, one after another, until only Allura and Keith were left._ _

__“So, what about you guys?” Allura asked. “Up for another quest or ready for bed?”_ _

__“I…” Shiro thought about it. He _should_ go to bed, but he’d rather… just not. “I think I’m up for one more quest.” One more. And then he’d face his fear._ _

__“Me too.” Shiro smiled at Keith’s prompt reaction._ _

__“Ok, then.. have fun guys.” He could hear Allura’s smile in that sentence, too, probably sharing the same warm feeling with her._ _

__“You’re not staying?” Keith asked, which only caused a tiny dent in Shiro’s happy bubble. The fear that Keith was more interested in Allura than him was still something he wasn’t able to control._ _

__“No, I have.. stuff to do. Good night!”_ _

__[Valayun] whispers to [Takashi]: <3 have fun_ _

__She promptly logged off, leaving the two of them alone. Shiro bit his tongue at her obvious attempt of giving them some ‘alone time’.. but since Keith didn’t comment, he kept quiet.  
They decided on an easy quest that wouldn’t take up too much of their time, Shiro’s doppelganger still following them when they entered the quest area. _ _

__“This is so weird,” Keith murmured._ _

__“It’s like we’re never alone anymore.” Shiro bit his tongue. Did this come along creepy, like he wanted to be _alone_ with Keith?_ _

__“Yeah,” Keith sighed, seemingly unperturbed by Shiro’s statement... “But.. he’s not in voice chat with us. So I don’t really care.”_ _

__“That’s true.” Shiro smiled, but it still didn’t feel the same. “Maybe if we just talk, he’ll get bored and log off.” He knew it was only wishful thinking, but he truly wanted to be alone with Keith. Maybe it was silly, but being the only one online with Keith had often made him pretend they were having a real conversation in a real room. Looking at Keith’s avatar had helped the illusion, even though now he knew what he looked like in real life, it just didn’t compare anymore._ _

__“I doubt it, but since I like talking to you, it’s worth a try.”_ _

__Shiro felt his insides flash hot at what he perceived as an attempt to flirt once again. He swallowed down the feeling, unwilling to get his hopes up. “How was your day?” He started weakly._ _

__“It was… ok. I had a lot of classes and I’m a bit sore.”_ _

__“I know that feeling,” Shiro chuckled. “But I hope you’re taking good care of yourself.”_ _

__“I try, but self-care doesn’t pay my rent.”_ _

__“If you need money, I-”_ _

__“-I know, Shiro. Thank you. But I’m used to caring for myself and I…,” he took an audible breath. “I can do this. I just need to do some extra classes.”_ _

__“Maybe you should be looking for another studio... This one is clearly underpaying.” Keith was working hard and giving a lot of classes. He should be paid a living wage if nothing else._ _

__“Ah.. well,” Keith sighed. “That’s not so easy.”_ _

__“Why not?”_ _

__“I don’t really have a.. trainer license.”_ _

__“Oh.” Shiro straightened in his seat. That was indeed a problem, no renowned studio it that field would have unlicensed trainers working for them. Was that even legal? “But you could.. like, get one?”_ _

__Keith chuckled lightly. “I’m working on that.”_ _

__“That’s great! I’m glad you’re doing something for your future..” He thought about telling him about the therapy session for a moment but then decided against it. He was only two sessions in and already trying to opt out of his homework. “If you need help, just let me know.”_ _

__“Thank you, Shiro.”_ _

__“Can I ask…” Shiro hesitated. “Why do you not have your license? You’ve been working in that studio for a while now, right?”_ _

__“Yeah... I.. wasn’t sure if I’d like to be a trainer, so I just didn’t put the energy and money into it. I kind of just got into it by accident..”_ _

__“How so?”_ _

__“Remember how I told you I’ve done a lot of competitions as a child? The owner of this studio kind of knows my name from it so.. he offered me a job when no one else did. I needed the money so I took it but the thing is… As a child, I always wanted to drop out of all of this shit but I wasn't allowed. So working in that field wasn’t something I really wanted to do.”_ _

__“But.. you like it now?” The way Keith spoke about how he was not allowed to leave as a competitor Shiro him an unpleasant feeling and it caused his tongue to burn with questions he didn’t dare to ask._ _

__“I do.”_ _

__“That’s amazing, Keith. You took something you hated and turned it into something you really love.”_ _

__“That’s a really poetic way to put it,” Keith laughed. “But I didn’t hate it. Not really. I hated the competitions and the pressure.. not fighting itself. But yes, it took some time to see that.”_ _

__“It takes a lot of strength to get where you are now.”_ _

__“Maybe… but hey, I’m not the only strong person here.”_ _

__“That’s true, but I thought we agreed on not letting Kuron into our group,” Shiro tutted playfully. It earned him a snort from Keith._ _

__“I don’t care about Kuron at all. Plus being good at an online game says nothing about being strong.”_ _

__“I’m not really good at my real life, either.” Shiro tried to say lightly, refusing to let his voice carry the heaviness of the statement._ _

__“You are, Shiro,” Shiro’s shoulders tensed at Keith’s words. He didn’t want to hear those lies from him of all people, but he was surprised when Keith went on. “You’re still struggling, sure, but you’re not giving up. Living with anxiety, _surviving_ it, every day of your life… it makes you a stronger person than you might realize. Your anxiety doesn’t make you weak.” _ _

__“And there you go calling me poetic.” Shiro swallowed a bit thickly._ _

__“That’s your bad influence.”_ _

__“I apologize deeply.”_ _

__“I accept your apology.”_ _

__“How gracious of you!”_ _

__Keith could have been saying all these things to make him feel better, but Shiro knew he wasn’t the type to sugarcoat. Keith meant what he said. Maybe that’s why his words had such a strong effect on Shiro. Whatever it was, later, when Shiro was lying in his bed, he opened the meditation app filled with nervousness but also excitement - of course only after he’d sent Keith his ‘good night’ text._ _


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so... I'm not dead? and neither is this story. I'm just extremely stressed out because of... well, work, mostly, and I apologise for the lack of updates. I just need to survive one more month of working-hour-hell and then I'll hopefully be back to posting more frequently :/ I'm also sorry I haven't answered the comments yet. I'll try to get to that as soon as possible

“And sometimes he's just babbling,” Shiro laughed. Seated on his sofa right next to him was Allura, who was holding a half-empty glass of wine. Her wide smile suggested that it wasn’t the first glass, either. Shiro was a much slower drinker, but then he was the one doing most of the talking. It had taken him some courage to confess going to therapy, but after a few sessions, he felt it was not fair that Matt knew and she didn’t. Now, after her reaction had been nothing but positive, it seemed like he couldn’t _stop_ talking about it. So he told “He said something about how looking anxious makes me anxious.. I thought it was a weird thing to say.”

“It is,” Allura agreed with a tiny snort. Her cheeks were a bit red already, indicating what a lightweight she was when it came to alcohol. 

“The _real_ weird thing is, though..,” Shiro went on after taking a sip of his own wine. “When I do this meditation thing, relaxing the muscles in my face really has an effect on me. I immediately feel calmer.”

Allura shrugged her shoulders. “Well.. Coran might be a bit odd sometimes, but he knows what he’s doing. He’s given me some good advice in the past.”

Shiro smiled at her with an agreeing nod, then took another sip of his wine. A sip that almost caused him to choke when his brain caught up with what she’d actually said. 

“Wait…,” he forced out between coughs, ”you know him?” 

Why? 

How? 

Allura ducked her head, grinning a bit sheepishly. “I.. do. I think. But don’t worry!” She put her hand on Shiro’s shoulder in reassurance. He forced himself not to flinch. This was Allura. It wasn’t like she had some ulterior motive. Was it? “He hasn’t told me you’re his client, he’d never do such a thing. And I never told him anything about you, either.”

 

“Ok, but..” Shiro blinked, unsure if he should feel relaxed about this statement. “How do you know him?”

Allura set her glass on the table in front of her, turning towards Shiro in a more serious manner. It didn’t surprise him. They’d been friends for so long now and even through her slightly intoxicated state, she could probably sense that her revelation had caused storm clouds in his mind. “He’s just.. an old friend of my father. I only ever see him on my father’s gatherings.” 

“Huh.” Shiro considered this new piece of information. How did it make him feel? Did it change things for him?  
He wasn’t sure. If Alfor knew Coran, it meant he was probably one of the good guys. But did it make things weird? Coran wasn’t allowed to tell anyone anything, right?  
He should probably just talk about it before his thinking escalated, turning all of this into a huge obstacle that made going there impossible. He realized he had the tendency to do that.. Finding reasons _why_ he couldn’t do the thing instead of trying. It felt safer, sure. But it caused his shackles to tighten around his wrists, holding him in place, when he actually needed to move forward. 

“I’m sorry,” Allura said, her face drawn with worry. “I.. thought about suggesting Coran as a therapist for you but I wasn’t sure because… well, he’s family? Kind of. But please believe me when I said he’d never disclose any patient information to anyone. I hope it doesn’t make things.. weird.”

“I’m not sure,” Shiro admitted. “But.. well. I trust you.” Plus, what could Coran tell her that she didn’t already know? She’d seen him on the brink of collapse on countless times, had seen him ugly cry in the hospital shower room.. What was there for her to find out?  
The tiny voice in the back of his head trying to make him feel bad about seeing Coran didn’t know what it was talking about.  
Right?

His phone buzzed loudly in their shared silence, startling them both. Shiro used it for the distraction his brain so urgently needed at the moment. 

[Keith: Sorry, a co-worker got ill. I won’t make it tonight :/ ]

“It’s Keith,” Shiro informed Allura. She immediately inched closer, which made him snort beside the seriousness only moments ago. “Calm down, it’s not like he sent me nudes or something.”

“Not yet, you mean.” 

“ _Allura_!”

“What?” She looked at him as a picture of innocence. 

“You’re insufferable.”

“You _love_ me. Now, what did Keith say?”

“He won’t come online tonight. His co-worker got sick.. I guess that means he has to take over his classes.” 

“Mhh.. he’s really working a lot,” Allura sighed and settled to snuggle against Shiro’s shoulder. 

“Yeah, at least he likes what he’s doing.” Although Shiro was worried about that, still. Keith did work a lot and yet he still struggled to survive on the money he earned. It wasn’t fair. 

“Mhm..”

“Hey, you’re not falling asleep on my shoulder, are you?”

“‘Course not.”

***

Of course, she did fell asleep on his shoulder just a moment later. It had always been a mystery to Shiro how drunk Allura could go from wide awake to fast asleep within minutes… it had been something he’d envied her of during college when he lay awake drunk and miserable. Now it seemed, with the years taking their toll on them, slightly tipsy seemed to be enough to help Allura travel between different states of consciousness.  
He let her sleep. There was no way she could go home like this anyway.

Shiro deemed it too early to go online right away, so he used the next hour to sober up over another workout and doing the dishes. When he finally did log in, he realized that the rest of his friends never considered a time to be ‘too early’ to be online. They were caught up in deep conversation over voice chat already. 

“Shiro! Glad to see you!” He was greeted by Lance not even a second after he’d joined them. 

“I’m glad to see you, too,” Shiro chuckled. “Hi, everyone else, hi, Kuron.” He let Takashi wave at his doppelganger, which triggered no reaction whatsoever. Shiro shook his head and took a sip of the tea he’d made after drinking too much wine. As if it would make drinking alcohol healthier. 

“We need to talk,” Lance said a little too loudly.

“Do we, now,” Pidge sighed. 

“Yes, we _do_.” 

“What’s wrong?” Shiro asked. He tried to get comfortable in his chair, but his back was giving him trouble. Maybe he’d overdone his workout a bit, but the guild meeting was fast approaching and he couldn’t allow himself to be lazy. If anything, he could at least _look_ strong, right?  
Was it weird to obsess over his looks for a guild meeting? Maybe. But it was one of the few things he felt he had at least some amount of control over. 

“Our meeting is coming up soon and I need your help with Allura.”

Shiro flinched, his eyes darting over to the where Allura was asleep. But thanks to the innovation of headphones, she actually stayed asleep. Allura wasn’t exactly a light sleeper, but hearing her name blasting through the apartment might have done the trick to wake up after all. It would have been an awkward thing to explain for Lance. 

“Help? How?” Hunk asked. 

“Well, I need you all to be my wingmen - and wingwoman.”

“Wingmen,” Shiro echoed with a raised eyebrow. The term let him think of some shady looking part rather than of his friends. 

“Do we have a choice?” Pidge groaned, apparently already a step ahead of Shiro. 

“Um, excuse me? What choice is there to make if it's about the biggest love story in history?” 

“So.. we don’t have a choice?” 

“Nope,” Lance announced. 

“Aww, I really want to help. Wouldn’t it be nice to have a couple in our guild?” Hunk asked. 

“Sure,” Pidge drawled. “Until their fighting breaks us all apart. I mean.. this is Lance we’re talking about.”

“There will only be love, no fighting.”

“I’m just saying we should be aware of the risks.”

Shiro could feel his shoulders tense up just a little bit. “Even if there if actual fighting, it doesn’t mean it’ll tear the guild apart,” he said. It felt like he had to say it, like he had to be a voice of reason. “Allura and Matt are still on good terms, even though they broke up.” Thinking about Allura and Lance felt strange. She’d been with Matt for such a long time and in his mind, they still belonged together. But it wasn’t up to him and it would be selfish, if nothing else, to allow those feelings to get in between things. If Allura actually came to like Lance, it was her decision and he wanted her to be happy. Still, Pidge’s concern was not unfounded. Had Lance the temperament to carry on like Matt and Allura after a breakup? What if the guild did indeed split up over something like this? What would he do without them? Unconsciously, his left hand touched his chest, feeling his heartbeat. 

“What’s with all this talking about breaking up?” Lance groaned. “Can we, like, focus on the getting together and being happily ever after part, maybe? 

Shiro tried to chuckle despite his spiralling thoughts, but it came out more like a strange bark.. “Sure thing. So.. how can we help?” It felt weird, talking about this. Especially with Allura nearby being completely unaware of what’s going on. How did she feel about Lance, anyway? He knew they were texting sometimes and that she was suspiciously secretive about it. But other than that? He made a mental note to try to get some information out of her later. She knew about his secret crush, after all, and if she liked Lance, it would make it easier for him to decide how to act in all of this. 

“Well.. Since you and Pidge know Allura in real life, maybe you could help me with some information, first? So I know what she likes in a guy and how to make me look good.”

Shiro hesitated. Disclosing information like this didn’t feel right.. besides- 

“How about just being your own, charming self?” Pidge deadpanned. 

“I agree,” Hunk said. “What use is it if you try to be a version of someone she could like? You want her to like _you_ , right?”

“Great. Next thing you’ll tell me is to do yoga and eat more kale,” Lance complained. “I need some real help, here. I’ve already tried to be myself around her and she doesn’t seem to like that very much.” He sighed. “I know that.. Allura deserves a nice guy. And I really want to be that guy. Not just for her, I… she just has that effect on me, that I want to be a better version of myself when I’m around her.”

Shiro could feel a bit of the tension in his muscles melt, caused by a warm feeling spreading in his chest. It was quickly met by a dull ache deep inside of him.  
He closed his eyes for a moment, the picture of Keith smiling brightly flashed before him. The same vision of him that appeared so often in the dreams he didn’t dare to tell anyone about. Dreams that had Keith reaching out for him on his hiking trip. Dreams, where he was able to take his hand and just be taken along, lost in the exhilaration and excitement of the moment until his consciousness caught onto his happiness and reminded him that he should be scared to be outside, that it was dangerous up to a point where he’d startle awake.

“Hello? Earth to Shiro?”

“What?” his eyes snapped open at the sound of Lance’s voice. 

“Everything alright?” Hunk asked cautiously. Shiro couldn’t help the small sad smile on his lips. His friends were a chaotic bunch, but they truly cared. 

“Yeah, sorry. Just been kind of lost in thought.”

“What kind of thought?” Pidge wanted to know. She didn’t have to specify, Shiro knew what she was truly asking here. 

“Don’t be nosy,” he chided playfully, knowing it would be enough to chase her worries away. “Just tell me what you were talking about.”

“I asked if you’d be willing to help me since _Pidge_ is refusing to do it.”

“I’m not refusing to.. ugh.. whatever..”

“I will not tell you how to behave to get Allura to like you,” Shiro cut into their bickering. Lance groaned in response, which he ignored. “However, I can tell you, like.. where she likes to go and where to take her on a date and stuff. _If_ she wants to go on a date with you.” Allura was an adult, after all. If she didn’t want Lance’s attention, she knew how to let him down carefully. 

“Really?” Lance almost squeaked.

“And to get her to agree to a date with you we need to create situations where the two of you can be alone. To, uh, talk and stuff,” Hunk said, followed by a silently echoed ‘and stuff’ from Pidge.

“Great idea! How do we do that?” Lance was all on board already.

Shiro sighed. It was obvious that Allura meant a lot to him and surely this whole visit was partly staged as a getting to know her.. What other choice did he have than to help him? As long as it didn’t make Allura uncomfortable, of course. “You guys probably want to see some stuff in the area and Allura can show you around.” That had been what’d they’d agreed on already, after all. “Hunk and Pidge could.. find a reason to split up, maybe?” Shiro was aware that it was kind of lame, but that was all he had when it came to a plan. 

“Sounds good. But what about Matt? Would he be in on it?” Hunk asked. 

“I don’t think he’d have anything against it, but he’d be with me, anyways. Taking me to physio and stuff.. Remember?”

“Riiight,” Hunk said as if he was a bit uncomfortable he’d forgotten about it. 

“Ok, but what about Keith, though?” Pidge asked.

“Oh, right, Keith,” Lance said in the most monotone voice. “Totally forgot about _that_ guy.”

“Be nice, Lance,” Hunk said before Shiro could act on his urge to defend Keith. “We could tell Keith about the plan. He might not be part of it but I’m sure he wouldn’t want to get in the way, either.”

“I don’t know, man.” Lance didn’t sound convinced. It sparked another protective urge in Shiro. This time, he acted on it.

“You could try just to talk to him for once. Keith is a nice guy.” 

“I don’t know, he only seems to be ice to _you_.”

“That’s not true.” It wasn’t, even if entertaining the notion gave him a weirdly excited feeling. “I just made an effort to get to know him. Maybe you should do, too.”

“Speaking about getting to know each other and talking about dates and stuff,” Hunk mused. “Aren’t we.. maybe.. supposed to help you guys, too?”

“What guys? What are you talking about, Hunk?” Lance asked. Shiro frowned at his screen in confusion.

“Well, Shiro and Keith, of course. I think they need our help just as much as you and Allura.” 

Shiro immediately froze in his chair, his stomach churning in the most unpleasant manner. His heart rate quickened up so fast it made him dizzy for a moment and he had to close his eyes and force himself to calm down at least a little bit.  
_Breathe._  
So much for secret crush. How did Hunk know about this? Did Matt tell him? Did he tell the others, too? Or did he maybe just talk to Pidge and she spilled the truth to the rest of the team?  
Shiro opened his eyes again. There was no use fighting this now. However they got to that kind of knowledge, it didn’t matter.. They knew, and they were his friends. He should trust them. Lance had been brave enough to come out about his feelings, he shouldn’t be embarrassed to do the same.  
Denying his crust would be lying.. and he didn’t want to do this to them. So he let out a long-suffering sigh as he chose to ignore the heat that had already started to colour his cheeks bright red. Shiro glanced at the screen. All of their avatars had stopped moving, except for Kuron, who was running in circles around them. The voice chat had gone awfully quiet. He had to do something before fear took over. 

“What gave me away?” Shiro asked. The words came out strangely dry and tinny.

“Wait.. What?!” Lance voice sounded strained. 

“Oh, come on, Lance,” Pidge cut in. “Don’t say you didn’t notice? The stammering, Keith’s heroic moments saving Takashi? How they stay online juuuust a little longer almost every time to talk?” Hunk hummed along with his agreement.

“Wait.. seriously. Is this true, Shiro?” Lance sounded almost horrified now. 

“Yeah,” Shiro sighed again. Not denying it had been one thing, but that was outright confessing. Lance’s reaction kind of stung. He didn’t like the tone in his voice, and even though he knew Lance didn’t mean anything by it, it was an old wound. Not everyone had always taken kindly to his sexuality. “I… like him. But it’s just a stupid crush, ok? I know nothing will come of it and it’s probably completely one-sided anyway. So... there is no reason to help us. Let’s just focus on Lance.”

“Are you sure about that?” Hunk asked. 

“Keith? _Really_?” Lance seemed to have a completely different problem. 

“I am sure about it, yes. Thank you, really, but I don’t need help with.. that.”

“I think he likes you,” Pidge said. “It’s not like he saved _me_ or anyone else on the team. And.. we all have his phone number by now, but does he text any of you guys?”

“Nope,” Hunk answered. 

“Ew, no.” 

“Don’t be mean,” Hunk chided. “Point is.. Shiro likes him. And I think Keith might like him back, am I right, Pidge?”

“Yeah, it’s not like Shiro’s the only one acting like a lovesick puppy.”

“I do _not_ act like a lovesick puppy.” Shiro crossed his arms over his chest, pouting at his screen. He hadn’t been _that_ obvious, had he?

“Why is this happening,” Lance whined. “Why Keith of all people?”

“Jealous?” Pidged teased, which only got Lance to stutter incoherently.

“Sorry, Lance, but you’re not my type.” Shiro gave his screen a crooked smile.

“Hurtful.” Lance didn’t sound hurt at all. 

“I don’t get why you’re reacting like this, anyway,” Pidge said. “I mean.. if Keith and Shiro become a thing you can stop fretting about Keith and Allura.”

“I’m in on that mission!” Lance basically hollered immediately. It made Shiro laugh, even though the whole situation wasn’t funny at all. 

“Ok, there’s just one problem: There is no mission,” he started to remind his friends. “As I said, it’s probably one-sided. Keith and I won’t be _a thing_. So let’s just focus on Lance, alright?” He refrained from telling them how he thought himself too broken and how Keith deserved something more, something better than him. 

“I don’t know. Isn’t it worth a try, though?” Lance asked. Shiro would never have thought that he would be the one to betray him like that. “I mean.. if he doesn’t like you back, we will notice soon enough. But if he likes you.. well..”

“No, guys, really..-”

“Uh, maybe we could pair them up?” Pidge sounded excited. “Keith could stay with Shiro when we go out, maybe? I’m sure we could stage some situations that would need the two of them to spend some alone time.” The last words came out it a singsong. 

“Aaaand.. if Keith stays with us at Shiro’s house, the two of them could share a room.” Hunk joined in on her plan. Shiro immediately felt his stomach twist with unease. 

“No, please… this is..” _too much_. 

“Shiro’s right, that might be a bit too forward,” Lance mused. At least he came to Shiro’s defence after betraying him only moments ago. But Shiro’s momentary relieved was short lived. “At least as long as we’re not sure if Keith likes him.”

“You’re right,” Hunk agreed. “We need to be a bit more subtle. At least until we’re sure.”

“Until we’re sure!” Pidge cheered. 

“Why do I not have a say in this?” Shiro’s voice was way too high. The whole thing didn’t feel _right_ , but he knew his friends long enough to realize there was no stopping them. He just had to hope that they would indeed stop pushing once it Keith’s lack of interest became apparent.

“You deserve to be happy,” Hunk said, and it was so sincere that Shiro’s stomach churned once again. He wanted to be happy, he really did. But he didn’t want to get his hopes up in this case. “Please let us help you. A group project like this can only be good for the guild.” 

“We don’t know if Keith even likes men. This whole thing can easily backfire,” Shiro pointed out. Although he knew Keith wasn’t the type of person who’d turn from him because of something like that. He’d probably only tell him off politely and it would be awkward for a while.. But that alone was enough to scare Shiro. 

“Come on, Shiro. We will be careful. You can trust us,” Pidge tried to convince him. 

“Ok. Look,” Shiro sighed heavily. There was no way out of it. Up from that point, it was only about controlling the chaos that was his friends and steer towards the lesser evil. Otherwise, they’d do whatever they wanted anyway without listening to him whatsoever. “ _If_ everything looks like Keith likes me.. and _if_ I think I need help, I’ll tell you. And then you can go wild, ok?” 

[Keith is online.]

Shiro’s fingers dug into his desk before him and his heart skipped a beat. He opened his mouth to warn his friends not to say anything further, but no word came out. He sent an instant little prayer for them to notice on their own.

“Hi, guys,” Keith said.

“...And that’s why Myzax is the worst boss ever. Oh, hi, Keith,” Lance said casually. Shiro’s heart remembered how to beat probably while Pidge snorted loudly into her mic. Hunk remained surprisingly silent. 

“Hi, Keith,” Shiro greeted, his voice a bit tight. 

“Hi, Shiro. What do you mean, Myzax is the worst boss ever? You’ve clearly never fought Drazil.” 

“Oh, don’t you even _start_!”

For the first time since Keith had joined their guild, Shiro actually felt himself relax at their bickering.  
The rest of the team might know about his crush, but he didn’t want Keith to find out over someone saying something stupid over voice chat. Hell, he didn’t want him to find out at all. But his chances had significantly lessened over the course of their conversations.. Seems like he needed a plan limitate the damage. 

Maybe he should just nail his front door shut instead of letting anyone in for their guild meeting.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry, once again. Life just got crazy with a lot of bad things happening (rl death threats included). After season 8 it got even harder to write.. everything around Voltron used to be my happy bubble during hard times but suddenly it became painful to watch. and it took me a while to recover and find a healthy way to cope (by denying the very existence of said season).   
> So.. now I'm back writing and I hope you're still with me.

“You’re sure that’s all we need?” Matt tried - and failed - to give him a judging stare. It quickly turned into a smirk at Shiro’s helpless shrug. Matt was seemingly having the time of his life torturing him over the preparations for their guild meeting.   
Yes, _their_ guild meeting, because Matt was part of that, too. 

“I think Hunk really wants to impress us with his cooking skills?” he offered as an explanation. Hunk had been visibly torn over his list and if he should or shouldn’t hand it over to Shiro. He _wanted_ to impress them, he just didn’t want Shiro to spend that much money on fancy food stuff. Since Shiro was hosting the whole thing, he insisted on buying everything necessary, though.   
Especially because he knew of Keith’s financial situation and had an inkling of how he would feel if the other’s would help Shiro pay for stuff he was about to enjoy for free.   
So Shiro made it a thing to declare how he would be very offended if they didn’t accept his holy hospitality - which included letting him pay for everything they needed. 

“Alright, well.. I guess I can get most of this stuff in the store around the corner. But some of these things, I don’t even know how to pronounce.” Matt raised an eyebrow reading through the list. 

“Yeah, same,” Shiro chuckled. “I’m kind of excited for his cooking, to be honest. Lance always gets a bit carried away when he talks about Hunk’s cooking skills.”

 

“I mean, it’s his job, right?” Matt glanced up. “He should know his stuff.”

“Mhm,” Shiro hummed. “You’d think so, but... the grumpy guy in la Tavernetta is a cook, too, soo…”

Matt laughed. “Oh God, I totally forgot about this restaurant.”

“Eating there is it’s very own experience.” Shiro nodded while he tried to keep a serious expression on his face.

Matt put the list down for a moment. “I still don’t know why Pidge loves going there so much…”

“Well, she loves her bad taste movies… maybe it’s the same with food.”

Matt made a grimace. “Those are the only moments I question if we’re truly related.”

Shiro chuckled. “But we did have a lot of fun at la Tavernetta, didn’t we?”

“Yeah.. the food poisoning, in particular, was extremely funny.”

“Awww, come on. That was _one_ time.” Shiro smiled at him. Before his accident, they’d been there at least once every few weeks. The food wasn’t as bad as he’d made it sound, but the whole place was a bit shady and the staff usually acted like guests ordering food was a big inconvenience. How they kept the whole thing running was beyond Shiro, but then Pidge had always had these crazy theories about connections to the mafia and money laundering. 

Now that he came to think about it, maybe she had been right after all. 

Still, he missed going there sometimes. Eating at home with his friends was nice, but it wasn’t quite the same as going out and eating at a restaurant.   
It was those small things worth fighting for, right? 

“We will go there again soon, Shiro. You’ll see,” Matt said as if he’d read his thoughts. 

“Thank you.” He cleared his throat. “For buying these things on the list for me and stuff.”

Matt shrugged. “Hey, I want to eat, too.”

Once Matt had left his apartment, list in his pocket (he’d refused to take Shiro’s money, but he figured it was ok as long as Keith didn’t find out) Shiro was once again alone with his thoughts. 

Three more days and his little safe haven would be packed with people. People he loved, his friends, but still people - three of them complete strangers in real life. He was excited to meet them, but sometimes the thought mere thought of them coming through his door also made the back of his head crawl with an uneasy sensation. Especially when it came to Keith.   
What if he was too much? What if they didn’t like him in real life, what if his anxiety ruined everything for him?   
There were so many ways he could fuck this up. 

 

Lance and the others had used every Allura-free moment to discuss ways for them to possibly get these two to go out on a date or even just spend some time alone to get to know each other better. Over Lance’s excitement, the whole thing about Keith and him had somewhat faded into the background. Shiro was glad for that, but he wasn’t as naive as to think that his friend stopped talking or planning something incredibly stupid that would undoubtedly put him in an awkward position at some point. Hopefully, he could let Allura in on their secret ‘mission’ so she could act as damage control. Meeting Keith in real life would be awkward enough as it was.

He told himself that he just had to act normal around him once he was here. But then, what about Shiro was normal? He had stopped being normal when his car crashed, when the accident turned him into a freak afraid of its own shadow.   
Shiro swallowed hard. There was no way he could act normal. Normal hadn’t been a part of his life in so long he’d almost forgotten how it felt like. Having friends over and pretending to be a normal person wouldn’t change that. At some point, he knew he’d freak out and need Allura’s or Matt’s help to calm down. And from there on, it would be pure damage control. If he was lucky, the others would ignore anything had happened and act normal around him as long as they were in his house. At this point, Shiro didn’t dare to hope they would talk to him again once they were back to their own homes. 

Shiro was still wallowing in his gloomy thoughts when Matt returned. Matt, seemingly sensing his bad mood, made a show of putting everything on the counter with a witty remark. At least the massive food mountain was enough to make Shiro laugh. The amount of food in his tiny kitchen was an absurdity on his own and he quickly snapped a picture of it to send it to Keith when Matt was out to use the bathroom. 

[Shiro: Whatever happens on our guild meeting, we will not starve.]

The Answer came almost immediately. 

[Keith: Haha, looks like it. Guess we’re going to spend most of our time in a food coma.]

Shiro smiled. Maybe being high on sugar would help with his anxiety. Or worsen it, who knew? He typed an answer when another text from Keith popped up on his screen. 

[Keith: Are you sure it’s ok for me to show up?]

Shiro frowned. Looks like he wasn’t the only one having dark thoughts today. Somehow, it hurt even more knowing Keith had them, too. 

[Shiro: Of course! You’re a valuable member of the team and we’d love to have you here.]

He then hesitated. Maybe Keith was just looking for a way out. Maybe he didn’t want to come after all. 

[Shiro: If you want that, too, I mean. No pressure.]

[Keith: I do. I just haven’t been a part of your guild for a long time. If you want to be with your friends, I understand.]

[Shiro: We don’t let anyone into our guild, Keith. We want you there.] 

He didn’t like how unsure Keith was of himself when it came to stuff like this. He’d told him that he wanted to be his friend so many times, but it never really seemed to stick with him despite their long conversations and hundreds of texts messages they’d sent each other during the day over the past few weeks. 

Or maybe Shiro was just being paranoid and Keith was having a problem of a different kind. 

[Shiro: is it a work problem? You said you wanted to ask your boss about giving you a few days off, right?]

 

[Keith: Yeah, that’s not a problem. Lotor owes me one so he’ll cover my classes. I just really don’t want you to feel like you have to invite me just because I’m in your guild.]

[Shiro: I’m not. I want you here, we all do.]

[Keith: Ok. But you can always tell me to leave.]

Shiro still frowned at his phone even when he heard Matt’s footsteps coming back from the bathroom. Who had hurt Keith so deeply that he was so unsure of himself? 

“Trouble in paradise?” Matt propped himself up on the counter next to him. 

“Huh?”

“That’s your sad writing-Keith face.”

Shiro put his phone down, schooling his face into a neutral expression. “I don’t have a sad writing Keith face.”

“Then who were you texting with?”

There was a beat of silence, before Shiro admitted “Keith,” between gritted teeth. The smug grin on Matt’s face would have triggered the reflex to defend himself.. but he felt safe enough with Matt that this wasn’t a necessary reflex. He knew he liked him. Everyone did, apparently, except Keith. 

Matt picked up some food from the counter, still grinning, and started walking backwards through Shiro’s kitchen. “Well then, Mr. sad puppy eyes, I’ll be over here being _right_ and putting all this stuff in the pantry. Care to help an old man?”

“I’m older than you,” Shiro mumbled as he followed Matt. His thoughts were still with Keith, though. With Shiro’s trauma, it was easy. One look at him was enough to hint that he’d been through a lot and it certainly was enough for people to explain his sometimes weird behaviour in public with when he was experiencing anxiety. With Keith, it was different. His beauty had been almost blinding, but there was something dark, something ugly underneath all of that he had yet to discover. Someone, or something, must have hurt him in the past. And just the thought of that had Shiro’s anger rising.

***

Shiro was still in a weird mood when he logged into the game. Thoughts of what could all go wrong during their guild meeting and what might have happened to Keith were hanging over his head like a thick dark cloud, leaving him unable to focus properly.  
None of his friends commented on it. Instead, the whole team was there, trying to take on a boss they would’ve never been able to fight before Keith had joined them - a fact that even Lance begrudgingly admitted. Keith was a great fighter, and he was even able to compensate for Shiro’s lack of focus today, which was something - not even Lance - commented about. They simply accepted his bad days and did nothing to stress him out further. Not everyone had friends like this.  
Knowing that should make him happy, shouldn’t it? It should ease some of his worries. They accepted him here, right? Shiro knew from Matt’s stories that that was something not usual in gaming culture. There were guilds kicking out members because they failed a mission. There were guilds were people were bullied over their failures. But not here, not with these people.  
Not with his friends.  
But it didn’t really help him thinking happier thoughts. Instead, his mind circled back to Keith constantly. Sure, Shiro sometimes had trouble accepting that his friends didn’t mind him being a bit complicated from time to time, but deep down he knew they liked him. Keith seemed to be deeply unsure of all of that.  
Something must have happened to him. Maybe something in his childhood or even something as simple as a bad breakup - Shiro wasn’t sure. What he was sure, though, was that he had issues trusting other people to want him around. And no matter how often Shiro told him that he and his friends were thrilled to have Keith at their guild meeting, it didn’t seem to sink in.

“Shiro! Watch out!”

Shiro hit the keys hard enough for the sound to echo from the walls at Pidge’s warning. Takashi rolled out of harm’s way at the last possible minutes - although Keith was already there to block the attack, as always. 

“Thanks,” Shiro breathed with a small smile on his lips. Determined to make up for his mistakes, he forced himself to concentrate as he plunged Takashi back into battle. 

“Yeah, show him who’s boss,” Lance immediately cheered. 

“ _We_ will,” Shiro answered laughing. He might be the guild leader, but he wasn’t the one causing them to win this battle. Not today. He just needed to chase his thoughts away for a little while. 

“Try to hold aggro,” Keith said. “I’ll attack from behind.. it’s almost finished.”

“I can’t believe we’re winning this, guys!” Hunk sounded almost tearful. 

“Keep it together, man.”

“Don’t ruin my moment, Lance.”

Shiro tunes out of their banter to concentrate on the fight. He couldn’t risk them losing because of him and his clouded thoughts. Keeping the beast busy was getting kinda hard with three rogues attacking it in various places. Even with Kuron, who was almost mimicking Takashi’s moves, Lance was struck hard enough a few times for Allura to have to heal him. 

It was amazing how good they had become in working as a team. Just a few weeks ago, it had been hard for him to keep track of battle and that alone had cost them the win in a lot of incidences. Since Keith had started telling them what to look out for and what to do in what order, they’d come out of most battles triumphant. It was like Keith closed the gap their little team had been holding all along, and now they were finally truly what they were supposed to be.   
And it was not just gamewise. They got along well on a personal level and working in sync during their online quests. Shiro found himself asking if they’d be able to translate that irl. He really hoped so. He also hoped that Keith would see what he saw, and he hoped meeting them would help convince him they actually liked him. 

“We did it!” Hunk yelled over voice chat before the monster even sank to the ground. 

“Indeed,” Lance agreed with a high bubbling laugh, probably feeling the same light feeling in his chest as Shiro. 

“Told you Drazil was harder to beat than Myzax.”

“Yes, sure thing, Keith. Needed to let me know you’re right all along, huh?” Lance drawled, but there was no real heat in his voice. 

“Lance,” Allura sighed. “You don’t have to turn everything into a competition. Keith probably just wanted to bring some facts into it.”

“No, I just really wanted to gloat.”

Lance’s mumbled ‘ass’ was barely audible over the collective giggling. 

“Alright,” Allura finally said. “Please just promise me no dick-measuring contests.” 

“Ew!” Pidge screeched. “Don’t put those images in my head!” Shiro was surprised Lance hadn’t been the first to complain, but of course, he wouldn’t stay silent on that matter entirely. What he said just wasn’t what Shiro had expected.

“Well, the only one who might be interested in watching something like that is Shiro. Because he’s.. gay and stuff.”

Shiro covered his eyes with his human hand as his cheeks grew hot in an instant. “Thank you,” he deadpanned. “Please, just keep dragging me into this.”

[RebelFighter] says: As long as he’s single, there’s nothing wrong with that!

His friends were many things. Subtle wasn’t one of them. 

Had they told Matt about their plan already? 

[Takashi] whispers to [Pike]: Stop, please. Just. Stop. 

Lance let out a short laugh - again, not very subtle - but it got stuck in his throat quickly. “Fuck.. again?”

“What - oh, oh no..” Hunk sounded panicked all of a sudden. 

A little turn of his camera into Hunk’s and Lance’s point of view helped Shiro to find the source of that panic. “What’s the Blade of Marmora doing here?”

“No fucking idea. I thought those guys lost interest.” Pidge sounded pissed and scared at the same time. 

[RebelFighter]: Maybe they were just out of town for a vacation.

“I doubt it,” Keith murmured. Something in his voice alarmed Shiro, although he couldn’t really pin down what it was exactly. He didn’t have much time to think about it before the Blades charged at them and he had to focus on the battle once again.

It wasn’t a fair fight. Their group had just won a big battle and hadn’t had time to fully replenished. Still, they weren’t up to going without fighting. Commands were yelled over their headphones and the screen before him went into chaos. Shiro tried to keep track of what was happening. He was going head-on with one of the Blades.   
They’d killed Allura first. A clever move, since she was their healer. Lance, being way too cocky, was the second to fall, with Hunk and Pidge going quickly afterwards. Shiro and Keith were the only ones standing. There was no chance of winning with how dirty the Blades were playing. But how dirty, they were just about to find out.. 

“What the..” Shiro’s fingers snatched away from the keyboard as if burnt. Takashi slumped down unmovingly in front of Kuron, whose weapon was still glowing in a vicious purple. Was that some kind of enchantment? 

“What was that?” Hunk’s question was drowned out but something akin to a battle cry from Keith. 

“Jesus fucking…” Lance cursed as Keith’s avatar crushed into Kuron, slashing at him in at a rate that seemed to betray any cooldown time. Kuron dodged a lot of his attacks, but Keith still landed some critical hits. The other Blade members had stopped attacking entirely once Kuron had rushed into action. They didn’t even intervene when their little traitor was almost finished. 

Kuron’s health bar was just a wobbly flicker of red when Keith grunted. His attacks stopped and for a moment, he just stood face to face with Kuron. Shiro’s head felt flushed with a blinding emptiness all of a sudden. None of this felt like a game anymore.

[Ythorod]: says: Your leader is weak. You don’t stand a chance if you continue to evade your purpose. 

“What the hell is wrong with those guys? What does that even mean?” Pidge hit something in her room with enough force to be heard over voice chat. 

[Pike says:] Our leader is not weak at all! It’s just you cowards attacking after we’re being worn out after a long and hard battle!! >:(

“Yeah, tell them, Lance!” Even Hunk sounded angry. 

[Ythorod] says: You know what to do to stop this. 

“What is happening?” Shiro mumbled. On his screen, the members of the Blade of Marmora vanished as quickly as they’d appeared. Takashi and all his friend's avatars lay dead on the ground. The only one still standing face to face with Keith was Kuron. 

“I’m.. sorry, guys.” Keith suddenly said. The way he said it made something inside Shiro grow cold. He sounded.. different. Hollow. 

Not like Keith at all. 

“What do you mean? You haven’t done anything wrong?” Allura found words where Shiro could not. 

“I… You won’t have to struggle with this mess any longer.”

[Keith has quit Form Voltron!] 

“Keith! No!” Shiro wanted to scream, but all that came out was a quiet whisper, quiet enough to hear the silent click when Keith left the voice chat without another word.

***

It had only been a few minutes since Keith had logged out of the game, but it felt like hours to Shiro. The wild chattering of his friends that came from the headphones around his neck was almost drowned out by the pulsing hissing sound in his head. He needed to do something.  
His fingers were shaking and he dropped almost dropped the phone when he finally fished it out of his pocket. He needed three attempts to actually find Keith’s number in his phone and press call.  
No answer.  
He called again.  
Again. No answer.  
Another try.  
This time there wasn’t even a dialling tone.  
 _He’d turned off his phone._  
Shiro shivered.  
No. This could not be happening. Keith couldn’t possibly simply run away like this. There had to be a way to contact him.

He almost dropped his phone again when it started vibrating, the sensation went like an icy shock through his whole body.  
Keith?   
No.   
_Matt_.   
With way too much force, he slammed his finger on the little green receiver on his screen. 

“He’s not picking up his phone!” He knew he was saying it way too loud, but there simply was no way to control himself right now. He had to be loud or else the white noise in his ears would drown out his words, his very existence maybe. 

“I know, I tried to reach out to him as well.”

“What is happening, Matt? Why? I don’t understand any of this! Did they threaten him? Is he in danger?” The noise in his head was throbbing with a wild intensity. 

“Shiro,” Matt said in a voice fit to calm down a wild animal. “take a deep breath.”

Being used to doing what Matt told him in situations like this, Shiro complied. Not that it helped much. 

“I don’t know what’s going on. I guess we just have to wait until we get a hold of Keith,” Matt continued.

“How?! He’s turned off his phone!”

“I’m sure he’s going to turn it back on at some point. And remember, we know where he works. We can still reach him there.”

“But what if he’s in danger? What if these psychopaths hurt him?”

 

“Shiro.. Keep breathing, ok?”

He tried, he really did, but the first deep breath only turned into a pitiful sob.

“It's ok, just breathe, and listen. Something is clearly going on, I won't deny that. I have suspicions and we can talk about them later but for now.. remember that, no matter what they said, this is still a game. These people have no access to the real Keith. They can bully him online, sure. But they're far away from him. Possibly even countries away.”

The shuddering breath leaving his lungs sent a shiver down his spine. It made sense. Whatever the blade of Marmora wanted with Keith, he was safe in the offline world, far out of their reach.  
And out of Shiro’s. 

“If I don’t get a hold of him tomorrow, I’ll drive down to his studio, ok? It’ll be ok, Shiro.” Matt seemed to have read his thoughts. Shiro tried to take another deep breath and relax his fists. His fingernails had already dug deep into his palms, leaving little red moon-shaped imprints. He let out another shaky breath. 

“Ok.” It was more like a whisper. 

“Do you want me to come over?” 

Shiro’s lips twitched to what almost would have been a smile. “No, but thank you. I’ll be ok. I think.” He was far from ok. The next few hours were going to be hell for him. 

“Alright. You know you can call me any time, right? No matter why.”

“I do.”

“Good.” Matt paused. “I.. don’t really like the thought of you being alone right now. But I know I can trust you.”

“You can.” Matt knew he wasn’t ok, so Shiro wasn’t lying to him. But he also knew Shiro _would_ call him if things got to bad. 

“Ok.. then.. see you in game, I guess? Do you want to keep playing?”

Shiro froze. The game. His fingers shot up to the headset around his neck. It was eerily quiet. He hung up the phone without another word. 

He knew there would be a time during their guild meeting when he’d just break down and have his friends experience his anxiety close-by. He’d been stressing about it all day just for his fear to knock him down like this for everyone to hear.   
It was embarrassing.   
He wished he could just follow Keith and runoff, but he knew his friends would never let him. He had to face them. 

“...hello,” he said meekly once he put his headset back on his head.

“Welcome back, Shiro,” Lance greeted him cheerfully. “Do you want us to act like we didn’t hear any of this?”

 

“Yes, please.”

“Alright,” Hunk said, trying to sound just as cheerfully. “Then.. let’s go get some stuff done as a distraction? Allura’s on the way to your place, by the way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this is not too clunky. the next chapter is pretty much done and just needs a final round of editing. I plan to update it this weekend


	18. Chapter 18

To be tidy, organized and on time - those were the things that had been drilled into Keith since he’d entered the foster system as a little child. In his teenage years, he’d taken great pleasure to be anything but those things; it was an act of defiance, the first step of him taking back control over his life, and he’d revelled in his rebellion. As small and petty as it was, it had brought him a huge amount of trouble and pain. But it had been _his_. 

As an adult, his rebellious streak had died down with his new found freedom and it had come to a surprise to find those old routines brought him some kind of comfort. He kept his apartment clean and tidied up immediately after finishing a task. He’d bought a calendar to keep track of his appointments and payments. He checked the traffic in time to not get delayed. And every morning before he got dressed, he _checked the weather_. 

Not today, though. Today he’d been off track since he woke up and it was beginning to get to him. After another night full of crying and short on sleep he’d just grabbed the nearest thing to get dressed before leaving the house in a haste. 

Now Keith shivered against the cold wind forcing its way through the thin layer of fabric. He blinked against the hint of tears forming in his eyes. He would _not_ cry because he chose the wrong jacket this morning and was now freezing. He simply wouldn’t. No matter how much his sleep-deprived brain tried to turn him into a crybaby. He just had to pull through for a few more hours. 

Which he wouldn’t have to do if he’d _checked his schedule_ in time to cancel today’s appointment. Now it was too late, of course, and he would have to suffer through it, no matter what a waste of time it was going to be.  
No way he’d be able to concentrate like this. Not when his brain was fuzzy and his thoughts swimming in a puddle of pain.  
All he wanted to do was sleep and forget everything for a little while. At this point, he was fairly certain sleep wouldn’t elude him anymore. There’d been a moment in class today, where he’d almost fallen asleep on the spot.  
There’d also been a moment where he’d found himself hallucinating. If only for the blink of an eye, he thought he’d seen Allura through the window, but it turned out to be only the mother of one of his studio. Still, it had clawed its way into his head. Neither Keith’s heart nor his mind had known what to do with the information. There’d been panic at possibly being confronted like this, but also another weird spark of a feeling he didn’t even want to put a name on.

Keith wasn’t the type of guy people were coming after, not in a good way, at least. And the way he’d left them there was no way they wouldn’t be pissed. Not that Keith had planned for that to happen.. He’d simply been left without a choice. Thinking his life would be better and easier someday, without any relics of his past haunting him was nothing but a dream. The least he could do was trying not to pull others down with his mess. Especially not these people.  
From day one, they’d shown him some sort of kindness Keith rarely experienced with others, and one that always got him a bit wary. No one had ever been nice to him without wanting anything in return, ever.  
Not that he usually allowed people to show him otherwise anymore.  
But then meeting Shiro had somehow been unusual from the beginning. 

Why he was drawn to him specifically, he had no idea. The first time they talked, he’d felt some kind of connection that only flourished on from that moment. In the beginning, he’d thought that the whole guild, Shiro included, just wanted him for his techniques and knowledge when it came to playing, but even though they were curious for his input, they were way too casual as to really put some effort in it. What else was there to keep him around? He went with it. It was better than always playing alone, after all, and he told himself that as long as he didn’t get his hopes up, it would be ok. The guild had always been talking about friendship, but the concept was unreal to Keith. He'd never _had_ a real friend. He’d had teammates and competitors, people sticking around because he was useful to them in some way or they needed his help. He’d thought it was the same with the guild. And Keith was willing to help in order to experience this tiny glimpse of companionship. He knew it always had an expiration date.  
As long as he didn’t get his hopes up.  
But that was the part where Keith had failed. And then these people even invited him to their guild meeting.. 

Keith shivered again, trying not to think about the packed back in his apartment. He’d been looking forward to having a few days off, to spend time with people he’d carefully allowed himself to maybe one day even call his friends, and to meet Shiro.  
But it had all been nothing but just a dream.  
He’d ruined things with the guild for good and maybe it was for the best. Shiro had tried to call him right after he logged off. For a second, Keith had been tempted to pick up, explain, and apologise. But he’d been so caught up in his own panic and pain. Plus he wanted to keep the good memory of Shiro, without it ending on being yelled at. Shiro probably hated him for leaving them like that.  
No way they wanted to talk to him ever again.  
Leaving on his own terms was a controlled pain. 

He jumped when a hand landed on his shoulder, almost dropping into a fighting stance immediately after.. 

“Whoa, easy there, Keith! I didn’t mean to startle you.”

Keith’s shoulders relaxed immediately. “You haven’t, I just..” His heart still beating wildly. “I’ve been.. deep in thought.” He cleaned his voice and tried to relax again, which was hard since he was being very cold. “Can we get upstairs, please? I’m freezing.”

***

The lack of sleep was written all over his face, the usual spark in his eyes gone and his skin almost ashen. Matt had to force his eyes away not to stare at him. At least it was clear he was suffering after what happened. And while this wasn’t a good thing, it meant that there was hope, right?

“Are you sure I need to know all this stuff?” Keith rubbed his forehead with both hands. 

“Most of it, yeah.” Matt shrugged his shoulders a little helplessly. Today this whole thing was more torture than teaching. “I know this seems like a lot, but you can do this. You’ll get your trainer license in no time.” 

“I don’t know about that.” There was a bone-deep sigh escaping Keith as he leaned back in his chair. He closed his eyes for a moment and Matt wasn’t sure if he would fall asleep on the spot right then. He’d never seen Keith like this. Usually, he was determined to get the most out of their lessons, to work as hard as possible on reaching his goal. It made seeing him slack like this almost painful. This wasn’t the Keith he knew.  
All Matt wanted to do was sent him home already to get some sleep, offer him to come back another time. But that wasn’t an option, not today. This was his last chance to fix things or to ruin them forever. Either way, he needed to get this off his chest, it was now or never. He’d waited way too long and now this was going to be awkward at best.  
Which was why he was stalling. 

“I do. You’re a clever guy and usually, you memorize this shit in no time. You’re just.. having a bad day.” Indeed a very bad day and Matt knew the reason for that. 

“Thank you,” Keith sighed again. “I know I’m not exactly an easy student today.”

“Don’t worry. I’m gonna help you through this.” _Or make it worse,_ Matt thought while he put on a smile. A glance to his watch let him know that he didn’t have much time left. He had to do it _now_. Matt tried to smile at him again, even though he felt it turn into a strenuous mask.. _Now or never_. “We.. rogues have to stick together, right?”

He bit his tongue. It wasn’t the most straightforward way to broach the topic and he was immediately filled with dread both for the possibility for Keith to catch or not catch up on the meaning of those words.  
Keith didn’t react immediately aside from a tired nod that implicated he had heard him. Matt eyed him closely, how his eyebrows slowly drew together until there formed a crease between them. How his nose scrunched up just the slightest bit and then, how his eyes suddenly widened. 

Matt had thought a lot about having this conversation with Keith. In his head, this had been the moment when Keith’s head whirled around and he was staring at him angrily, possibly starting to yell at him.  
But none of that happened. Keith just sat there, staring unblinkingly at his desk. His face became an almost unmoving mask aside from where his lips formed the quiet-spoken question. 

“What?”

Maybe he hadn’t caught up on the meaning of Matt’s words, after all.  
Which meant he probably had to explain it, for real. 

“Hi, I’m.. RebelFighter.” He gave Keith a helpless little wave. “Your.. fellow rogue.”

Keith just stared straight ahead at his desk without blinking. The silence was becoming suffocating after mere seconds. 

“Look,” Matt bit his lower lip. “I’m.. sorry. I know I should have said something sooner.” Or explain this better. But how was he supposed to explain something like this?  
_I knew exactly who you were when you started talking to my friend and then I chose to play ‘I don’t have a mic’ so you wouldn’t recognise my voice because I thought it might freak you out and I didn’t want you to stop talking to said friend because he seemed so happy talking to you and then I missed the right moment of telling you and now this is awkward but I want you to still meet my friend because he’s miserable and misses you._

And that wasn’t even the whole truth. The whole truth was that Matt’d had plans to introduce Keith to Shiro before they met online. 

“What are you saying?” Keith still wasn’t looking at him, but the way his hands had turned into fists betrayed his tension.  
Matt knew Keith wasn’t the type for aggression and violence, but if he chose to be mad at him with those fists, he was pretty much fucked. 

“Shit, Keith.. I’m sorry..”

“You are..” Keith didn’t move at all. 

“Yeah.. I’m.. Shiro’s Matt.”

Keith’s eyes flashed with the mention of Shiro’s name.  
That was _something_ , right? Maybe there was hope. Maybe he could make this better, after all.  
He’d hated lying like that, to both Keith _and_ Shiro. But they’d become important to one another so quickly and Matt had been afraid to interfere in any way. When it came to social interaction, Keith sometimes reacted like a scared deer. And Shiro? Shiro was scared all the time and _very_ opposed to the idea of Matt playing matchmaker.  
But now the harm was done and there was no easy way out of this. He’d wanted to explain things to Keith before the guild meeting, he just hadn’t anticipated the situation like this. Not with Keith already hurting so much. 

“When Shiro told me he was talking to a self-defence teacher named Keith who lived nearby… I had a suspicion. When Allura told me the name of your studio, I knew for sure. I wanted to tell you but.. I was so scared that it would freak you out.” Keith’s lack of reaction was really starting to make him nervous. “I know it was stupid, but.. at some point I just didn’t know how to bring it up, you know?” 

“Is… that…” Keith blinked, he body slouching forward just the slightest bit. “Is your mic really broken?” 

Despite himself, Matt barked a short, dry laugh. “No.. But I knew you’d recognize my voice.” 

“You.. should have told me…” Keith swallowed, not looking at Matt. But his voice alone spoke a clear language of betrayal. “Why didn’t you?”

Matt rubbed sweaty hand against thighs with his hands. He’d tried to reason with himself that this was just a white lie told to do what’s best for his friends. But if he was being honest, it just wasn’t enough to justify his actions. Especially not since he’d had every opportunity to tell Keith. They saw each other twice a week, after all - one time for Keith’s lesson, one time for Matt’s. Keith was right to feel like this. 

“As I said, I really just didn’t want to freak you out and maybe even leave.” 

“Why?” For once, Keith was looking at him. Matt had been friends with Shiro long enough to detect the pain under the mask of defiance Keith had put on. 

“Two reasons: Shiro is my best friend and since you’ve two started playing together, he just seems so much happier. I didn’t want him to lose that..” Shiro had become so used to being miserable and no matter what Matt or Allura had tried seemed to pull him out of that. It was different with Keith. Talking to Keith had a lasting effect on Shiro. One that pulled him out of his comfort zone and pushed him to work on his issues. 

“And second…” Matt squirmed slightly on his chair. This reason was far less noble and he felt stupid for it. “I didn’t want to lose you as my teacher. I hate taking classes when it comes to sports in a room full of people. It reminds me too much of PE.” He didn’t want to talk about how much self-defense class had helped him to feel less helpless after what had happened to Shiro. It had no place in this conversation.  
He was also scared Keith would bail on his own lessons. With Matt’s help, he would get his trainer license in no time and he didn’t want him to lose that opportunity. If anything, it was apparent that Keith hadn’t had an easy life. Matt wanted him to have something nice, for once. But to Keith, that would probably sound like some fake noble reason. 

Keith flinched when Matt reached for his hand. “Keith, I’m sorry..” How was he supposed to make up for this? Keith was not a person who trusted easily, that was something Matt had noticed from the start. “I’m sorry I haven’t told you earlier. And.. I’m sorry about what happened with the Blades.”

Keith nodded, but it looked like an acknowledgement for than anything. Matt knew he had to get through to him before he shut him out completely. 

“I knew I had to tell you before the guild meeting,” he continued, but he was interrupted by Keith. 

“There’s no guild meeting for me anymore.” The words sounded practised, mechanical.

“That’s.. actually what I wanted to talk to you about. Or.. ask a favour, to be more specific.” Better get straight to the point. 

Keith shot him a glare. “Of course.”

Or maybe straight to the point was the wrong path, after all. But it was the path Matt had chosen now and he had the tiniest suspicion that Keith wanted to find a reason to take things the wrong way. He couldn’t blame him after lying to him like this.  
He just had to find a way to make him see that he wasn’t his enemy even though he’d acted like a total asshole.

“I want you to consider coming to the guild meeting.” Matt looked at him directly without flinching under his stare. 

Keith’s face went through a series of emotions. “What?” 

“I don’t completely understand why you left the guild, but I don’t have to. If you don’t want to game with us anymore, that’s fine.” Matt made a slightly helpless gesture with his hands. “But the guild meeting.. it’s not about the game. It’s about us, as friends.”

Keith made a noncommittal noise. 

“I’m not forcing you, obviously,” Matt hastily went on. “I just want you to think about it. We’d love to have you with us.”

Keith glanced at him, trying to scan his face for _something_. Matt wished he knew what he was looking for so he could give it to him. But he was fishing in the dark.

“And.. if you don’t want to have me there because of what I did.. I can stay away.” Matt swallowed hard. He wanted to meet the others and have fun with his friends. But if this was his punishment, he would accept it. 

“I don’t think the others want me there,” Keith said, seemingly ignoring Matt’s offer. 

“Why wouldn’t they?”Matt raised his eyebrow. “They really like you and they’ve been excited to meet you.”

Keith glared at him again, then turned his eyes back downwards to stare at the desk instead. “I didn’t exactly... leave on good terms..” 

Keith had his own package loaded with guilt, Matt realized. 

“Look, Keith..” He leaned towards him over the desk. “As I said, I don’t know why you did this, but we all got that you didn’t leave because you actually wanted to. We understand you are probably hurt by this as well and Shiro? Well.. He’s been worried sick. Once you turn on your phone again it’ll probably explode with thousands of text messages asking for your wellbeing.”

Matt watched him more closely this time when he mentioned Shiro. And indeed, there it was again - the tiny flash in his eyes that only urged Matt on to push harder. “We all want you there with us.”

“I’m not a member of the guild anymore,” Keith said tiredly. “This is supposed to be a guild meeting.”

“That’s just the name we put on it. We made the rules and we can change it.. no one cares, really. We just want to hang out.” 

Keith frowned at the table. “I’m not coming back online.”

Matt online shrugged his shoulders. “Sucks. But it’s just a game.” 

“I’m not sure the others will agree…” Keith bit his lip in uncertainty. Matt felt a bit like he was running in circles. 

“Look, Keith.” Matt leaned a bit closer again. “I know some people are kind of hardcore when it comes to gaming. We as a guild certainly enjoy playing together online but.. I don’t know if you noticed? We kinda suck.”

Keith made an involuntary sound somewhere between a laugh and a huff. It berated his words a lie before he even said them. “You don’t.” 

“We do. “Matt grinned. “And that’s ok because we’re casual. Sometimes, I’m not even playing for a couple of months and no one is angry because of that. And if they are angry, it’s because they miss talking to me. There are things more important in life. And we still value each other as friends.” He leaned back again, getting into a straighter position. “I won’t force you to come, and I can tell this is a bit much for you today. Just.. think about it, ok? And send me a text, if you want to come. I can pick you up and you don’t have to go through that door alone if that’s scary.” He hesitated. “Or.. I can stay away if that’s what you prefer.”

Keith glanced at him, his face a perfectly concealed mask again. “I’ll think about it.”

Matt bit his lip. He had kind of hoped Keith would decide on the spot, even though it seemed unlikely after all the emotional turmoil. That was possibly the best outcome, Keith had opened the door just a tiny bit.  
Or he just told him what he wanted to hear so he could get over with this. 

“I’m glad to hear that.” Matt gave him his most sincere smile and decided to push a bit further. “I know this is a lot to ask, but trust me on this.. we would love to have to with us tomorrow. Shiro especially.”

There it was again. That tiny spark in Keith’s eyes. He hadn’t imagined it and it certainly was not random at this point.  
Maybe there was hope, after all.

***

Matt’s words had been echoing in his mind since he came home and it was starting to drive him insane. He was supposed to sleep. Sleep was all he needed right now.  
But his body was tense and his mind refused to calm down.

He had no idea how to feel anymore. Matt, the man he’d trained for months now and who’d been so kind to help him study for his trainer license in return was _Shiro’s Matt_. It wouldn’t be such a big deal if he hadn’t tried to deceit him about his identity online. If he simply hadn’t recognised Keith.. but he had. He knew who he was before he logged into the game and he’d chosen to act like his mic was broken so Keith had no chance to know who he was in return.  
And why? Keith couldn’t say he really understood the reasoning behind all of this. Why not tell him? It’s not like he’d ran off and never talked to them again. And even if he had, what did it matter? It wasn’t like he’d been friends with these people back then.  
It wasn’t like any of them had cared.  
Right? 

Keith bit his lip, staring at his phone which was lying next to him on his mattress. Still turned off.  
Why was he acting like such a coward?  
He could just turn it on, look at the guild’s angry messages, prove Matt wrong and be done with it.

He felt shaky when his hands connected with the cold plastic of his phone. 

_Stop being a coward_ , he told himself again. 

Annoyed at himself, he pushed the button to turn on his phone harder than necessary which made his finger tingle uncomfortably. 

Did his phone always take so long to fully load?  
Keith tapped his fingers nervously against the plastic back.

There were various calls from Shiro. Various texts, too. Keith closed his eyes for a moment and took a deep breath. Saying he wasn’t scared would be a lie… Matt’s word still rang in his ears and he was far from trying to believe them, even though he wanted them to be true. There was no way Shiro wasn’t mad. 

He scrolled through the texts, his heart sinking the more he read. Shiro’s messages were full of typos, frantic.. Keith had been focused on his own pain, not once thinking about the hurt he’d instilled in others. He’d been so convinced they hated him, but reading these texts.. Shiro in particular was nothing but worried. 

His phone buzzed with new texts, slowly tickling in after being turned off for a while. Allura reassured him in one that he would still be welcomed and how much she’d like to help him. Hunk had sent a very heartfelt message about the meaning of friendship and how much they all missed him already. But there was one that gave him pause, at first mainly because he didn’t recognise the number. 

[Unknown number:] _Listen, asshole, be sure that no one liked your dramatic exit. But whatever. You’re part of the team, online or not. So at least come to our guild meeting or I will be very cross with you. Lance_

It was then that Keith made a decision.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you all again for being patient and for still being with me on this <3 your comments and kudos really mean a lot to me


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> back to posting more frequently! I hope you enjoy this chapter. it really had his own ideas about how it wanted to be written and since I'm a bit sick (again), I was too weak to fight it. 
> 
> thank you all for your support<3 it's so good to be back and your comments really make me happy <3

Shiro wasn’t sure at this point if he was buzzing with nervousness or excitement. Everything was set up, Allura and Pidge had brought over air mattress so no one would have to sleep on the floor, Hunk’s shopping list had been completed by Matt yesterday so there was no way (seriously, no way) they would starve, and Shiro had spent the last few hours cleaning his apartment and getting into a presentable state. At least clothing wise. Mentally? Not so much.  
He tried not to think about all the ways he could fuck it up with the rest of his friends.  
Allura was right. They loved him, they supported him… Their meeting was going to be fun, _just breathe. It’s going to be fine_.  
He tried not to think about Keith.

They’d managed to set up a schedule that would allow Shiro to keep his appointments and still have time with his friends. Which meant that whenever he’d go to physio or therapy, Lance and Hunk would be able to roam the city with Pidge or Allura. Matt, on the other hand, would take Shiro to wherever he needed to go. Shiro was prepared for Allura to ask him why Matt was the one who had to take him everywhere when she usually took turns with him when it came to his appointments. He had a mental list of various, perfectly unsuspicious reasons why it had to be this way for this time being. Reasons Allura would probably see through in within a minute.  
At least as she didn’t see through the whole scheme, Shiro was fine with that. Exploring the town with Lance and Hunk would give Lance the opportunity to convince her to fall in love with him. So there would either be a happy couple by the end of their stay or a funny awkward story they’d be able to tell in a few years once Lance would stop pouting. 

Shiro sighed. The only advantage of Keith not coming to their meeting was that his friends had no way now to meddle. It should be a comforting thought but it wasn’t. Shiro would take every awkward moment over not talking to him at all. But the choice had been taken from him, like so many others.  
He ran his fingers through his hair. All he wanted was the opportunity to talk Keith one last time. Find out if he was alright and why he’d left. Maybe if he’d get him to listen, Keith would come back to them. 

Shiro’s phone buzzed loudly silently in his pocket. For the last few days, every time he got a text, he got his hopes up for only a brief second. If only that was Keith texting him.. that would be some true telepathic magic, right now.  
But sadly, this was reality. 

[Pidge]: It’s time to get dressed, big boy. We’re on our way. 

Her message felt like a hit to the head, leaving him dizzy. Meeting his friends was something he really wanted, but it was so much all at once.. meeting new people, even though he already knew them from the internet… he couldn’t remember when was the last time he’d done that. He’d lived in his small little bubble for such a long time that letting other people step into his safe zone felt like a threat.  
But as scary as it was, it was also one of the best feelings Shiro’d had in a while. It was a step in the right direction. That’s what Coran had told him, as well. He needed to expand his safe space first before he could let his bubble burst and step outside.  
The amount of anxiety he experienced from this meeting alone only showed that he had a long way ahead of him. A way Shiro was willing to walk. Possibly on very wobbly legs. 

Shiro glanced at the clock and straightened his shoulders to prepare himself mentally. He didn’t need to get dressed anymore. Everything was set up and prepared hours ago when Shiro woke up way too early, vibrating with his familiar anxious energy. All he had to do now was _wait_.  
Which was the worst.

He started moving around his apartment, checking everything he deemed in need of checking at least twice. The air mattresses were all leaning against a wall so they still had enough room to move around in his living room. He counted them.  
Yes. Still enough.  
He went to check if he had enough towels.  
Still yes.  
Drinks? Food? 

He glanced at the clock again. 

How had that only been two minutes? 

With a huff, he let himself sink down on the couch. He could watch some tv while he waited. Or listen to some music. Or even read a book.  
Not that he could concentrate on any of that. 

He felt sweaty, but it was too late now to take another shower. Maybe washing his face and hands would make him feel a little better about himself.

In the bathroom, he got lost in his own reflection. Lance and Hunk had never seen him before. How would they react? His face was a mess. They knew about his accident and his scars. But seeing the one across his nose in real life was something completely different. It was hideous. He knew people were watching him because of it constantly.  
Not to talk about his prosthesis.  
Although he’d chosen to wear long sleeves so all they’d really get to see was his hand. Which was bad enough as it was. 

Shiro felt tears well up in his eyes. He hated being so broken, inside and out. He hated that it only took one look at him. What if it changed the way his friends saw him? 

The doorbell made him flinch violently and he gripped the rim of his sink so hard he almost felt his nails break from the pressure.  
They were here.  
There was no way out of this anymore. He had to face them. And deal with the consequences.  
Shiro glanced at his reflection one last time and wiped quickly at his eyes. He looked... haunted. They would know he was scared of this right away. 

The doorbell rang again. 

“Coming!” He yelled vaguely into the direction of the door. He closed his eyes, taking a deep, unsteady breath. 

He could do this.  
These people were his friends. He was about to have a few nice days that would not end in some sort of catastrophe. 

Just one more deep breath. 

And he went to let his friends inside.

“Shiro!” The moment he opened the door just the tiniest bit, Lance immediately burst through it with the confidence of a young lord. Shiro forced himself not to take a step back in self-defense, and to smile, despite his nervousness. 

“Hi, Lance,” he said, his voice almost steady. Behind him, he could see the familiar face of Pidge, who rolled her eyes at Lance’s behaviour, and Hunk, who was carrying their luggage. Allura just stood there graciously with a happy little smile on her face. Shiro knew she’d been just as excited to meet everyone as he was, sanse the crippling anxiety, of course.

Lance walked further towards him without any hesitation, his eyes bright and smiling. He looked exactly like the picture Hunk had sent him of the two of them. “Can I hug you?” The way his eyes scanned over Shiro’s scar was subtle and brief, but Shiro was sensitive to that happening… it made him feel a lot like being naked in front of a crowd, but he tried to swallow it down. It was just a glance. He hadn’t run away in disgust.  
Quite the opposite. 

“He has an anxiety disorder, he’s not averse to touch,” Pidge drawled. 

“I know that. But now that he sees the real thing, he might just fell in love with me and I don’t want things to get awkward.” Lance shot her a playful glare and Shiro felt the tension melt from his shoulders in an instant. This was just so much.. Lance. And it made his brain flash back to all the evenings spent together online. Happy memories. 

“You can hug me,” Shiro chuckled and opened his arms in a wide gesture. Lance immediately stepped right into his embrace with a big grin. It was more comfortable than Shiro had expected, yet he was still careful not to touch the bare skin on Lance’s forearms with his prosthetic hand. He’d tried to make it disappear from view as much as possible and he didn’t want to freak him out by having to feel it. 

“Fine, you can pretend not to be in love with me yet,” Lance mumbled against his shoulder. “I would certainly go for you if I was gay,” Lance said it like he meant it, but Shiro’s only available reaction was to smooth over his disbelieve with a nervous chuckle. Lance either didn’t catch up on it or chose to ignore it when he sighed dramatically. “It’s unfortunate. We would make an amazing attractive couple. I didn’t expect you to be all that big and beefy.”

“It’s so nice to finally meet you in person!” Hunk stepped next to them, effectively shutting Lance up and saving Shiro. He was bigger than Shiro had expected and it was nice to finally have someone on eye level.

“It’s nice to meet you too, Hunk.” Shiro nodded and Hunk joined their hug without waiting for a further invitation. He told himself that Hunk would not feel the metal under his shirt when he grabbed his upper arm and forced the smile on his face to remain there. Hunk certainly didn’t say or react to feeling it and that was something Shiro was immensely grateful for. 

Hunk, in general, was the type of guy whose presence immediately had a calming effect and Shiro let the sensation wash over him. It felt good. Until Pidge practically jumped his back, grinning when the way it punched the air out of his lungs made him cough. Finally, even Allura walked up to them, joining their embrace after closing the door behind her. 

_A group hug_ , Shiro’s brain provided happily if unnecessarily. The serotonin rushing through his brain made him giddy and he had to suppress a full body shiver. That was not something he wanted to explain during a group hug. The whole thing of them being here right now was surreal and yet the best thing that had happened to him in a while. He hadn’t expected them to find the same level of closeness they had developed via group chat so quickly in real life. But here they were. Acting just the same as they always did, as meeting and seeing each other for the first time wasn’t a big deal at all.  
Like hanging out in his apartment on a Friday afternoon was something they did all the time.  
Which was the part where Shiro had to fight another shudder of a different kind. 

Playing online was fun, but the distance between them had always been a dull ache of isolation in Shiro’s heart. Now they were all here, in person, hugging… And they were here because of him. Because they wanted to meet him, frankly, not him alone but also Allura, Matt, and Pidge, but they met in his apartment for his sake. They had gone through a lot of trouble planning all of this because they wanted to include him. 

“Where’s Matt?” Shiro asked, trying to get a glimpse of Pidge still hanging off his back. He didn’t succeed. 

“No idea,” she said and Lance rolled his eyes at her. “What? You know how he is.. he’s always late online.”

“Guess we just have to wait for him, then,” Shiro shrugged. He didn’t want to argue, although Matt was usually only late when it came to the game. In real life, he was a very punctual person. Maybe it had to do with Allura and Lance? Maybe he wanted them to spend time together without interfering as ‘the ex’. He didn’t get to dwell on his thoughts for too long. 

“Your apartment is really nice.” Hunk looked around Shiro’s living room, finally letting go and in that, prompting the others to do so as well. The loss of their closeness hit Shiro on a weird physical level that he tried to push away for this time being. 

“It might get a bit cosy with us all being here, though,” Shiro said and winked at Lance at the word ‘cosy’. Did Lance actually blush a little? Maybe he wasn’t as bad of a player as he tried to make it seem. 

“That’s a lot of air mattresses and blankets.” Hunk was still looking around. 

“Uhh, we could make a pillow fort!” Pidge looked excited. 

“Nope, you’re not allowed to do that,” Allura reminded her with a _very_ stern look that made Shiro feel like a little child being scolded. “Not after the pillow fort incident.”

“The what now?” Lance frowned. 

“I was ten when that happened.” Pidge’s voice was strained. 

“When _what_ happened?”

“Pidge thought that candles would look nice in a pillow fort,” Shiro explained, trying to keep his expression serious. He’d almost forgotten about this. 

“It _did_.”

“Yeah, as did the fire that nearly burnt down the house.”

“Again, I was ten.”

“No pillow forts.”

“Fine.” Pidge crossed her arms in defeat and mumbled something about needing new friends because these ones knew too much under her breath. 

Lance only cackled loudly, which had Hunk click his tongue at him.

“Don’t be mean, Lance,” he said, his face the only serious one left in the room. “We all make mistakes. Remember that one time you burnt a hole into my table with your… - “

“HUNK! Shush it!” Lance almost stumbled over his feet when he ran up to Hunk to.. attempt to tackle him? Shiro wasn’t sure what exactly he was trying to do but it startled a laugh out of him.

Just five minutes into their meeting, this was beginning to be just as chaotic as their group chat. And yet it was so much better. 

“Now things just got interesting.” Pidge rubbed her hands together with a devious grin. 

“No. Nothing interesting happened.” Lance had his hand over Hunk’s mouth - or better his whole face. 

“Tell us what happened, Hunk, _Please_.” Allura batted her at him in the most charming way. It immediately made Lance drop his attack helplessly. Shiro couldn’t blame him.. Allura had disarming powers like that. 

“Well…” Hunk eyed Lance for a moment, who put up his hands in surrender. Smart. Shiro knew they’d never let it drop. “Alright. So.. Lance wanted to do a little barbeque with some friends. But because it was cold outside, he put the grill on my table. Which was made of plastic.”

Shiro suspected that Pidge put some extra effort into laughing harder and louder than Lance had at her pillow fort incident, but he himself couldn’t hide his own smile. Even Allura was chuckling. 

“I was hungry.” Lance crossed his arms over his chest now. “I couldn’t think straight.”

“Happens to the best of us,” Shiro tried to reassure him, but he was still grinning. It did nothing to stop Lance’s pouting. 

“And because we don’t want any hungry incidents like this happening to us… Shiro, if you would be so kind as for allow me to use your kitchen, I’d like to prepare us a nice and warm meal. I’m starving after the trip.”

“Are you sure you’re up to that?” Shiro raised an eyebrow. “You literally just got here. We could just order some food.”

“What? No!” Pidge managed to glare and grin at him at the same time. “Don’t ruin this for me. I want to eat Hunk’s food.”

“I’m never too exhausted to cook. Plus, I’ve been waiting to do this for way too long.. Please?” It was Hunk’s turn to bat his eyes at him. It was just as effective as when Allura did it. 

“Well.. if that’s how you feel” Shiro shook his head with a grin, then straightened his posture to address Hunk with a firm voice. “Permission to cook granted.”

Hunk saluted lazily and Lance’s posture next to him relaxed finally. 

“I’m so excited for your cooking!” Allura said. 

“Oh, it is _amazing_! Hunk is a wizard in the kitchen!” Lance seemed to be happy to talk to make everyone (and Shiro suspected especially Allura) forget about his recent little moment of humiliation.  
Shiro zoned out a bit while everyone started chattering away, using a moment to himself to just _breathe_. He was still watching them with a happy smile on his face. They were _exhausting_. And Shiro loved it.  
This was _real_. His friends were all here, visiting, and they were about to have a few amazing days.

“Oh, Matt is calling.” Pidge looked at her phone with a raised eyebrow. “I’ll tell him to hurry up to be on time for lunch. Everyone be quiet for a moment.”

Surprisingly, everyone listened to her and the loud noise around Shiro died down. He was looking at Pidge while she was talking on the phone in lieu of something else to do. There was a lot oh uh-uh and nodding Matt couldn’t see over the phone. Suddenly, her face lit up. She nodded one more time, then hung up the phone and turned back to the group. 

She cleared her voice dramatically. “Ok. I have something to tell you..” Everyone was already looking at her. “First things first.. Lance, Matt wants me to tell you to act like a grown up and be nice.” 

Lance sputtered. 

“And for the rest of you..,” Pidge continued without giving it any attention. “Matt is on his way to pick up Keith.” 

Everyone in the room recovered before Shiro did, who seemed stuck in time at the moment Pidge mentioned Keith’s name. He just sat there and stared, unable to move while everyone started to babble on excitedly.  
What was happening?  
What did she mean, Matt was on his way to pick up Keith?  
How?  
Had Keith been talking to Matt?  
Why hadn’t he answered any of Shiro’s texts, then?  
Maybe they had some secret friendship thing going on they didn’t tell him about because they didn’t want to hurt his feelings.  
Did Keith even like him? 

A warm arm wrapped around his shoulders. 

Allura.  
Of course, she immediately drove to his rescue.  
He pressed his eyes closed for a moment and allowed himself to breathe to stop his thoughts from spinning. 

“I don’t know how Matt did it but.. Keith is coming,” Allura said quietly. 

“I.. heard.” His heart was hammering loudly. How did the others not hear this? His body was screaming in alarm. 

“I know this is a bit unexpected. What do you need?”

“I don’t know.” Shiro frowned. What did he need, indeed? Keith was coming. That was all he ever wanted. It’s just that he’d spent days accepting he wouldn’t come. That he’d finally expected the pain wouldn’t stop for a while because he’d lost something precious. He had no idea how to feel right now. 

“I will be ok,” he said, trying to sound sure of himself for once. “I’m glad he is coming.” He was. It was like a dream come true. But it had him scared for the moment he would inevitably wake up. 

“Me too.” Allura smiled at him. 

“Keith is coming!” Lance suddenly plopped down right next to them. “Which means our mission is back on track.” He winked at Shiro. “That means.. if you’re not in love with me now and totally over Keith.”

“Lance, please..”

“No, don’t ‘Lance please’ me. Matt didn’t die for this so you can chicken out.”

“Matt didn’t _die_.”

“Details!” Lance rolled his eyes. “Point is: you will be a very _lucky_ man by the end of this weekend.”

“Lance…” Hunk sounded tired. Pidge made a retching sound. 

“Let’s not get overboard, here.” Allura smiled as she put her around Shiro’s shoulder and pulled him against her. “Let’s just agree that we’re all happy Keith is joining us.”

Hunk and Pidge agreed happily while Lance, again, just rolled his eyes. Shiro leaned against Allura for support, but he was already feeling way calmer. He wasn’t alone in this. His friend would probably manage to embarrass him on a completely new level, but they would do it out of love.  
There was no way for this to end worse than when Keith ran off, was there? 

Shiro hadn’t expected Keith to come back. He’d tried to deal with the pain and loss of all the hopes and wishes he’d lain on Keith. He’d tried not to let the sadness overwhelm him, not to give up everything he’d worked on so far.  
Starting therapy had been for himself, not for Keith. Keith had just been the one to help him find the strength for it.  
So, even if this went badly, even if Keith disappeared again… The pain would be familiar. He’d survive.

“How about I actually start cooking now and you assist me?” Hunk offered. “Would give you something to do while we wait for Keith, huh?”

Which meant fewer opportunities to spiral down and freak out, went unsaid. Shiro felt the smile more in his chest than on his face. Hunk was a real sweetheart. 

“I’d like that, thank you.” 

“Great! I can help you, too.” Pidge beamed. “Oh and.. Allura.” The way she said her name way too casually made Shiro’s ears perk up. “Why don’t you show Lance the rest of the apartment? Help him settle in?”

“Uhh.. sure.” Allura looked at her a bit confused and Shiro had to turn around to hide his grin. He didn’t exactly live in a mansion so Lance had already seen most of his apartment by now. But Pidge apparently couldn’t wait to start _that_ mission. It should fill him with dread for what they were about to do once Keith arrived if it wasn’t so sweet.  
Everyone really wanted everybody to be happy. 

“Take your time,” Hunk yelled after them a bit too loud when they left for Shiro’s bedroom - the only room apart of the bathroom Lance hadn’t seen by now. “What?” He looked at Pidge when she raised an eyebrow at him. “Too much?”

“Just tone it down a liiiittle bit, alright?”

“I’m just so excited!” Hunk handed Shiro some vegetables and instructed him to chop them. “Allura is so pretty and nice. They’d make such a great couple.” 

“Yeah, Allura would put the greatness in their relationship,” Pidge snorted. 

“Hey!” Hunk protested, putting his hand against his hip while giving her a stern look. “I know Lance can be a bit much sometimes, but he’s my best friend and.. he’s actually just a very sweet guy, too.”

“We know, Hunk,” Shiro said, glancing at him over his task. “We love Lance. I hope this works out well for him.”

“Oh, and for you, too, now that’s Keith’s coming!” Hunk beamed at him. “It’s going to be so nice having two couples around.”

“We’re not a couple, though. And after everything that happened.. please.. just.. don’t overwhelm him, ok?” 

“We won’t scare him away, Shiro, don’t worry.” Pidge bumped her elbow into his side playfully. But Shiro just gave her a pointed look. 

“We’ll be careful, I promise,” Hunk said. “Just.. I think you two really would make a great couple and I want to see my friends happy.”

Shiro felt his throat closing up for a moment, so he just looked down and focused on chopping his vegetables. He’d been so nervous for this meeting, so afraid they would reject him for his flaws in real life. But instead, they made him feel at home. More at home than he’d ever felt in this apartment that he called his own. 

Pidge got comfortable sitting on the kitchen counter. 

“I thought you were going to help us?” Shiro reminded her.

“Nah, I’m good.” She kept typing away on her phone, probably talking to Matt. The thought made him dizzy. Matt was in the car. With _Keith_.  
Why was he texting her?  
That wasn’t safe at all.

“What about you keep an eye on the sauce instead,” Hunk said, eying his shaking hands holding the knife pointedly. Shiro nodded a bit helplessly. 

“Hey..” Hunk made it look like he only stepped closer to hand Shiro the spoon, but the way he kept his voice down made it seem like he was talking to a startled animal. “It’s going to be ok. We’re here for you.. no matter what happens. And I’m sure Keith will like you very much. He probably had a good reason to leave.”

Again, Shiro nodded, but he forced a little smile on his face. “Thank you, man. I’m.. thank you.” What did he do to deserve friends like that?  
Hunk clapped his back a few times and kept him occupied for the next thirty minutes - which Shiro was also more thankful for, although he only managed to get Keith out of his head for a few minutes at the time. 

Allura and Lance had joined them in the kitchen some time ago. Not as a surprise, since his apartment really wasn’t that big. They were getting along just fine, it seemed. Hunk had forbidden them to help so they were doomed to sit at the table and just chat. Hunk sometimes joined them in their conversation, but Shiro couldn’t bring himself to concentrate enough to follow what they were talking about.  
He was extremely aware of Pidge still sitting on the counter, still typing on her phone and possibly texting Matt. The moment she finally looked up made Shiro’s blood freeze in his veins. 

“They’ll be here in two minutes,” she announced. 

“Alright.” Hunk wiped his hands on a towel, turned the stove on a lower heat and turned towards Shiro. Allura, Lance, and Pidge got up on their feet as well. “You’re ready, Shiro?”

“Yes,” he lied. It was a good thing he was holding a metal spoon. A wooden one might have broken under the pressure of his prosthetic. His whole body was way too tense.  
There was no way he could relax. All he could do was to try to keep breathing. 

Allura was suddenly by his side again and put her arm around him. The rest of his friends didn’t waste any time to join in.  
It almost made Shiro tear up. 

“Alright,” Lance said. “We took down dragons, robeasts and other creatures together.. we can take on a Keith, too.”

“We’re.. not going in to fight him, though,” Hunk chuckled. 

“We’ll see.” Lance groaned when Pidge hit him with her elbow. “Ok, Ok.. But we are together in this, no matter what. You’re not alone, Shiro.”

Shiro couldn’t say anything. This was the second time someone had said that to him today and he knew they meant it. 

They moved together in silence to the tiny space in front of the door to wait there in an awkward cycle, desperately trying to make it look natural. 

Shiro tried to mentally prepare himself. If this went badly, he still had his friends. He still had his progress. He would survive.  
But when the doorbell rang after what felt like hours, all he could do was stay there and try to process what was happening through the haze. 

Matt entering the room, hugging his sister and Allura, shaking hands with Hunk and Lance. All of them smiling. 

But it all turned out of focus when Shiro laid eyes on the man who walked him afterwards.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and finally, they meet!   
> again I can't thank you enough for all the comments and kudos, it really means a lot to me <3

Reality didn’t exist.   
Keith had left the guild.   
He hadn’t been online since then.   
He’d cut every means of communication.   
And yet Keith was standing in his apartment, shaking hands with his friends and smiling almost shyly. 

Nothing could have prepared Shiro for this moment. No voice chat, no pictures, nothing. His body felt unnaturally raw, hit by Keith’s mere presence. It pulled at Shiro, whispered to him in a cacophony of so many thoughts he couldn’t possibly make out any of them. Shiro pushed it all away and stepped out of that riot in his head just to keep watching Keith. 

Pretty was not the word that fitted him. Keith was handsome, Shiro had known that already from the pictures. He had rough edges, too. Not the perfect beauty you would see in magazines because there was a fire in him paper couldn’t catch without being burnt.   
Shiro could feel the heat of it gnawing at his insides already when their eyes met only for the briefest moment. 

Shiro took a breath that had been long due and it burnt in his lungs. It left him almost choking. He was scared to blink, scared to wake up from was must be a dream. 

Keith was here.   
The first friend he’s made on his own after his life had been changed forever. The man that had brought out a strength in him he hadn’t known he still had. And thus had changed his life again unknowingly and without meaning to.   
Shiro looked at him like his own personal wonder, which in a way, he was. He still couldn’t believe this was happening. 

There was a shift inside of him and, suddenly, his body was moving on its own account, his feet drawn towards Keith. It was as if his body had caught on to the reality of the situation before him, or as if it just wanted to make sure that this was indeed real, that this moment in space and time existed. They both together being in the same room.   
There was no way right now Shiro would be able to will his brain to to something useful that was under his control so, for once, he didn’t mind being on autopilot. Even if he knew he had to deal with the consequences in a few seconds. . It was better than just standing and staring and either way: It was going to be awkward.   
It was always awkward with him these days. 

The rest of the world around him had slowed down when he started walking, various pairs of eyes watching or pointily not watching. Shiro’s consciousness drowned them out in a blurry background, either way, so he didn’t care.   
His heart seemed to stop beating for a moment when Keith looked at him again, only to make up for it by beating rapidly again when he was met by a smile. Shiro felt like he must have blacked out from the sudden blood rush in his brain for a moment because the next thing he remembered is pulling Keith closer into a hug when he had only offered his hand.   
The cold anxious flash when he realized this action might not be appropriate for a first meeting melted away when Keith stepped into the embrace willingly and Shiro felt his arms snake around his back. It was only when he felt his body against his own that he noticed how small Keith actually was. He had to step up on his toes not to squish his face right against Shiro’s chest but lay it on his shoulder instead. 

“I’m so glad you’re ok,” Shiro almost whispered in Keith’s ear. Not that there was any point in whispering. The others around them were so quiet you could hear a pinprick fall. “And I’m so glad you’re here.” He kept on whispering because he felt like he didn’t care if he was overheard, but the moment was too precious to be disturbed by loud sounds. 

Keith pulled him a little closer, giving him a light squeeze. “I’m… sorry. I didn’t want to worry you, I…” 

“It’s ok. As long as you’re ok.” Shiro almost couldn't hear his own words. His ears rang with the sound of Keith’s voice, not muffled by a speaker or headphone. Keith was here. They were hugging. A wave of panic washed over him, mixed with happiness and a thousand other things he couldn’t name.   
How long had they been like this? They were hugging way too long, way longer than he’d hugged his other friends. _He should let go_.  
But he clung to Keith as if his life depended on it, scared to wake up, scared to see him disappear right before his eyes. 

“Aaaanyway.” Matt suddenly appeared next to them and Shiro could feel his hand on the small of his back, grounding him. “We’re all glad we’re here now, together. But if my nose doesn’t play tricks on me, someone has been cooking?” 

Keith pulled away at Matt’s words and Shiro let him go, although his left hand lingered on his back a little longer as if scared to lose the contact. Keith gave him a lopsided smile. He was looking right into Shiro’s eyes, not glancing at his scar of the prosthetic hand he must have felt while they were hugging. Shiro wondered if he just really didn’t care or if he forced himself not to look like most people. 

“Yes! I cooked for all of you!” Hunk said a little too loud, his grin too wide but still somehow genuine. 

“You arrived just in time.” Allura beamed at Keith and Matt. “Come on, let’s sit down at the table.” 

The spell that seemed to have been cast on this whole apartment before had been broken and Shiro could finally breathe a little more freely again. His hand finally slipped from Keith’s back as they made their way towards the kitchen table and everyone started to talk. He felt too out of it still to follow their conversation, his eyes glued to Keith when he laughed at something Allura said. Should he’d been laughing too? Was he being weird floating around quietly like a ghost?  
He forced himself to pull it together and _listen_.  
Hunk explained what he’d cooked for them and Shiro didn’t remember any of the fancy steps he mentioned him doing. He still straightened his shoulders proudly when Keith gave him an admiring nod. Sure, chopping vegetables and stirring in a pot was a very complicated task. Hunk would have been lost without him!

“You’re a good host, Shiro.” Keith’s voice was so soft and pleasant. “You really went through a lot of trouble.” 

The praise almost made him join Hunk in the kitchen again to help finish their meal - but Hunk held him back with an outstretched arm and a firm hand on his chest.. there was a mischief twinkle in his eyes when he leaned over a bit towards Shiro and told him to go and be _a good host_ for Keith. It made Shiro swallow hard. They were going to be ruthless, now that Keith was actually here. 

_Keith really was here._ And he sat down right next to Shiro at the table as if it was his natural spot.   
From the glare Lance shot Keith, though, he could tell that he didn’t like that Allura sat next to _Keith_. Shiro tried to reach him telepathically not to do something stupid to rile Keith up, _please_.

“So..” Keith cleared his throat a little awkwardly. “How’s your flight been?”

“Oh, it was nice” Hunk beamed from over the counter. “Although Lance was really excited to get here, because.. you know.” He winked at Keith, who chuckled drily in return. 

“Because of what?” Allura asked confused. _Oh no._

“Because of the meeting, of course.” Pidge rolled her eyes at her. It was a lame explanation but the way she delivered it was so natural that it made Allura shrug her shoulders. 

“Well, I was excited as well,” she said. 

“You were?” There was such a hopeful note in Lance’s voice that it made Shiro’s stomach churn. If this didn’t work out, he was really going to be heartbroken. Maybe he had to push Allura along a little more? If it didn’t work out between the two of them it would at least serve as a distraction for Lance so he wouldn’t be on his back about Keith too much. 

“Lance,” Hunk called over the kitchen counter. “Can you help me set the dishes?”

Shiro got up immediately and motioned for Lance to stay seated. This was his house, after all. He was the host! And he’d be damned if he let his guests do everything for him.   
Besides, he was the only one who knew where to find everything, even though his kitchen was far from big. 

“I…” Keith bit his bottom lip nervously when Shiro set down a plate in front of him. “I kinda dropped in on you out of the blue. If there’s not enough food..”

“Not enough food!” There was a clatter of cutlery that made everyone look up at a truly offended looking Hunk. “There will always be enough food for one more person in my kitchen.”

“Hunk usually cooks for a whole battalion,” Lance clarified, toying with his fork. “It would be enough for _ten_ more people dropping in unannounced.”

“And even if it wasn’t..” Pidge raised an eyebrow at him. “We would still share with you. You’re our friend.”

“Like my mom used to say.” Allura put her hand on Keith’s on top of the table. “There’s always room for one more friend.” 

Shiro tried not to stare at their hands, tried not to fidget under the weird feeling that bubbled up in his chest at Keith’s shy smile. 

“We’re really glad you decided to come after all,” Matt said, seemingly not at all impressed by this show of affection. 

“Yeah, speaking of it..” 

Shiro immediately tensed up at the icy tinge in Lance’s voice. His eyes darted to his face, took in the way he still squinted at Allura’s and Keith’s hands.   
He was about to do something stupid.   
And Shiro felt like the temperature around him dropped and he was suddenly frozen in place.   
_Someone do something_.   
But Lance just continued talking. 

“You just ran off and left us without another word after we were slaughtered by those weirdos. I mean.. Shiro was worried sick.”

_Don’t drag me into this_ , Shiro wanted to scream. 

“Care to explain?” Lance worded his last question so innocently and yet there was still malice in there. 

“Lance,” Matt practically growled. The rest of his friends had gone completely silent. 

“I…,” Keith started. 

“You don’t have to explain anything.” Shiro heard himself say. Keith’s eyes were on him in an instant, looking at him with a soft intensity that made him almost forget what they were talking about. He could get lost in them forever. 

_Focus._

“Thank you, Matt,” Keith said. “But I want to say a few things.” He looked around the table, but ultimately, his eyes once again settled on Shiro. “I can’t really tell you what happened exactly. Not right now, at least.”

Shiro darted over to Lance once again when he heard him snort, just in time to see Pidge take his hand and dig her nails into his palm. 

“Just.. these guys won’t stop bothering you as long as I’m in your guild. And you.. don’t deserve this.” He glanced down for a moment, but when he looked up at Shiro again, there was so much pain in his eyes it almost made him choke. “I won’t be able to come online again. This is not about you.. or it is, but.. not because I don’t want to play with you.” He sighed. “Anyway.. if this’s a problem, me not being a guildie and stuff I mean, just tell me. I can.. just leave.”

“Keith, no.” Shiro almost lunged forward, only remembering at the last possible moment that taking his hands would be a way too intimate gesture. He put his hands on his shoulders instead and leaned forward forwards him. _Way better_. “I don’t care if you’re in our guild. Please stay.”

The pain in Keith’s eyes dulled and made room for something soft. “Thank you, Shiro.”  
Well, that hadn’t gone too bad, right? So far.  
Keith was so close, he had to notice how Shiro’s heart was racing. He needed to get a hold of himself, otherwise, he wouldn’t need his friends to embarrass himself. 

“Yeah, don’t worry, Keith. We still want you around,” Pidge chirped over the awkward silence that had started to settle. 

“But Keith..” Keith pulled back from Shiro to look at Hunk. “Is there something we can help you with? I mean, you don’t have to tell us everything but.. just tell us if there’s something we can do.” He scratched the back of his neck and Shiro wanted to hug him at this moment so badly. He was glad Keith had joined this circle of people. He really deserved some good friends. And these certainly were the best. 

“Thanks, Hunk.” Keith smiled. “There’s nothing you can really do. But I wouldn’t say no to food, now.”

***

After they’d finished their meal, and everyone had insisted on helping Shiro clean the dishes - which had turned into pure chaos - the group had relocated into a more comfortable area of the living room. Everyone was full and just happy to be together. Shiro sat next to Hunk and Pidge on the couch, who was lazily scrolling through their twitter feed and geeking out together. Matt, Allura, Keith, and Lance had started playing an exit game. It was that sort of game that had you solve a thousand absurd puzzles due to even more absurd hints to advance in some sort of mystery story. Shiro had often played these games with Allura and Matt in the past until it had started to bore him - at least that’s what he’d told them. Truth was, these kind of games were stressing him out way too much. Watching the four of them playing it, though, turned out to be fun. Matt and Lance tried to outplay each other while Allura was actually the one solving most of the puzzles. Lance used every given opportunity to tease Keith about getting on the wrong track when it came to one of the puzzles. Most of the time, Keith didn’t let it get to him, but sometimes he rose to the bait and that ended in the two of them bickering until Matt’s laughter stopped them both.  
If Shiro hadn’t known the teasing was just goodnaturedly, he would have intervened. But he knew Lance. He knew this was his way of communicating and he also knew Keith could ultimately deal with it without getting hurt.

Shiro smiled at them when Lance started to tease Keith once again. Today had slowly started to bleed into Shiro’s reality. His friends were truly here and it didn’t feel weird anymore. Quite the opposite. It was beginning to feel good and better every minute he spent with them. Keith seemed to fit in with the rest of the group perfectly. Just as in group chat, he was quieter than all the others, but when he said something, it was usually well thought through or witty enough to make everyone laugh. Shiro was slowly managing to get his hyperfocus away from Keith from time to time, which was something he was especially proud of. 

“You have to hold it like that!” Lance grabbed the card in Keith’s hand and turned it with an annoyed roll of his eyes. “You can’t possibly be so dense.” 

Apparently, for the puzzle they were just solving, you had to hold a card in juuust the right angle to be able to make out a word in a mess of lines and dots. 

Keith just squinted his eyes at him. “Well. Seems like I _can_. Why don’t you just read it to us?”

“Good. Just give it back.” Lance motioned for the card. 

But Keith didn’t just hand it over. Instead, he held the card right in front of his eyes, giving it one last look, before smirking at Lance. In one quick motion, he gave the card a good lick with the flat of his tongue and offered it to Lance without another word. The way Lance just stared at him complete shock made Shiro crack up. 

“You.. didn’t..” 

“Oh yes, he did,” Matt wheezed, almost doubling over. 

“Why?” Lance whined, taking the card from Keith by the upright corner with pinched fingers. 

Keith shrugged his shoulders. “What do I know? I’m so dense.”

“Shiro!” Lance’s whirled around, his face scrunched up. It reminded Shiro very much of aunt Layla’s little three year old. 

“Don’t look at me like this.” He held his hands up and leaned further back on the couch. “You brought this on yourself.” 

“Fine.” Lance threw his hands up. “Just gang up with this little gremlin.” 

“I’m not ganging up with anyone. But you insulted him, now deal with the consequences.”

“I was just teasing!”

“As was I.” Keith’s face was a picture of innocence. 

“Lance,” Allura said sweetly before Lance had so much as the chance as to open his mouth again. “Would you help me with some drinks, please?” 

“I need to sanitise my hands first!” Lance jumped up without as so much as another glance at Keith. Allura followed with a grin, slowly shaking her head. 

“Allura is missioning herself,” Hunk chuckled without looking up from his phone when they were out of earshot. “Nice.”

“Yeah, yeah..,” Matt sighed. That did make Hunk look up from his phone to give him a raised eyebrow. “I mean.. Allura is an adult and she makes her own decisions. But.. Lance?” 

“Come on, he’s not so bad,” Shiro assured him. 

“Yeah,” Pidge grinned. “He seems a bit bratty in the beginning but he kind of grows on you.” 

“Like mold,” Keith added, giving her a sweet smile. 

Hunk tried to kick Keith from his position on the couch without getting up, but he only managed slightly jabbing at him with his big toe. “That’s my best friend you’re talking about.” 

“Don’t make your poor judgement my problem,” Keith said with a grin, moving out of Hunk’s reach when he slid down the couch in another attempt to kick him. “Peace, Hunk. I’m just teasing. I like Lance.”

“You better! Because you’re both my friends and I want you to get along. Lance is a nice human.”

“He is,” Keith said this time with a kind of sincerity Shiro wouldn’t expect from him while talking about _Lance_. “Besides.. Allura kind of seems to like him and I trust her judgement.” 

Shiro felt warmth bloom in his chest. Keith and Lance were often at each other’s throat, but this conversation proved once more that it was more barking than biting. In reality, they liked each other.   
All of his friends liked each other.   
No holy intervention from Hunk needed. 

“Alriiiiight.” Lance appeared in front of them, holding an ominously looking bottle in each hand which he wiggled slightly. The look on his face was almost manic. Allura was standing behind him, watching. “So Allura had brought these babies. What about we get this party started?”

“Party? You know who you’re hanging out with, right?” Pidge adjusted her glasses, not moving from her spot on the couch where she was slumped lazily. 

“Alcohol? Allura, I’m shocked.” Matt was staring at her opened mouthed, one heart dramatically gripping at his chest. “You’re the bad influence my mother warned me about after all.”

Allura stuck out her tongue at him. “As if. You were the one who got me drunk the first time.”

Matt stroking his chin. “Hm… I remember that differently.” 

 

Shiro didn’t. Matt did indeed drag Allura along to a party and wouldn’t stop serving her drink after drink. It had ended with Shiro holding back Allura’s _and_ Matt’s hair for most of the night.

“I wouldn’t say no to a drink,” Keith said. 

“That’s my buddy!” Lance pointed the bottle at him with a wink, licked card forgotten. “Shiro?”

Shiro sighed heavily.   
As if Lance would accept a no.

***

Two bottles of alcohol between the seven of them didn’t do much damage, after all. Shiro felt slightly warm, but he wasn’t sure if this was due to the alcohol or their current activity.  
They were doing a game of tmi questions, because, of course, they would. These people he called his friends just had no respect for personal boundaries and close held secrets.  
Lance had been the one coming up with the idea and as the ‘big game master’, as he’d chosen to call himself, he had ordered everyone to sit in a circle - with Keith sitting right next to Shiro. His skin tingled were Keith’s touched him and it made him giddy.  
Those questions weren’t as bad after all and Shiro was learning a lot of new things about Keith. Favourite number? 12. Animal? Cat. And he was more afraid of zombies than aliens. He tried to be as open about his answers as possible, too. He wanted Keith to get to know him a little better, after all. It hadn’t been hard with these questions, but Shiro had an inkling that Lance had spared the more personal questions for a later point.

“Ok, next one.. Who was your first crush,” Lance read. Shiro had been right.

Pidge snorted. “I don’t do crushes, man.”

Lance nodded absentmindedly and motioned for Shiro to take on the question next without another word. 

“Er.. alright. Are we talking about like very first innocent child stuff or the first serious crush?” he asked. 

“Mhhh..” Lance massaged his chin for a moment. “Let’s say both.”

“Ok.” Shiro had to think about it for a few seconds. “Jamie Larson in third grade.” Matt huffed at that. “And serious one.. guess that must have been Adam.”

“Ugh.. that guy.” Pidge scrunched up her nose. 

“Who’s… Adam?” Keith asked softly. Shiro could practically feel his eyes on him, so he turned his head to face him. 

“My ex.” This wasn’t exactly something he wanted to talk about during his first real meeting with Keith. But now that it had come up he wouldn’t hide it from him either. It was a part of himself, of his past, after all. 

“Oh..” Keith’s face seemed carefully neutral, but Shiro wasn’t sure if he was maybe just imagining things. 

“We broke up years ago.” He shrugged. 

“Yeah, and he was kind of a dick,” Matt added. 

“He.. wasn’t.” Shiro frowned. 

“Oh yes, he was.” Matt’s face wasn’t neutral at all. “He wanted to get back with you after your accident. And then instead of being supportive and patient, he started to pressure you and stress you out.” Matt’s voice had gotten louder with every word. 

“He meant well,” he tried to calm Matt down. “He just.. never really knew how to support me. No matter what.”

“He told you to get over yourself. To deal with it and stop whining.” The venom in Matt’s voice struck something deep inside his core. Shiro pressed his body harder against the back of the sofa, unconsciously trying to shrink away from it. 

There was a hand on his shoulders, suddenly. A warm contact that prevented Shiro’s inside to shrink further away from the surface. Shiro forced his head to turn towards the man attached to the hand.

“I’m sorry about the breakup.” Keith’s eyes were so gentle, and yet there was something in it he tried to guard. Shiro felt the warmth from the spot on his shoulder gently bleeding into the rest of his body.   
He allowed himself to relax a bit. 

“It’s.. ok. It was years ago and I’m over Adam.” He really was. “I’m just.. not over the way he treated me after the accident. Although I knew he wanted to help in his own weird way.” 

Shiro had struggled so much after he woke up in the hospital. He’d been in so much pain and his progress had been slow. He’d been grieving the loss of his arm and it all of that, he’d gained a constant companion in his anxiety. Adam’s behaviour had only made it worse and Shiro had felt like a failure since then. Adam had left him then again and Shiro had never missed him since then.   
Keith’s hand gave his shoulder a little squeeze and it felt like this was more support than Adam had ever given him. It made Shiro’s chest feel suddenly too tight for his heart. He reached up to lay his hand above Keith, squeezing back. 

How was this so easy? 

Keith had struck a chord with him from the beginning, that much had been clear, and they’d communicated via chat or text messages nicely. But there had been times when it was hard to really gauge Keith’s reactions. Sometimes it had left Shiro confused because he had been unsure what Keith’s deal actually was. Did he even want to be friends? 

But now that he was here, there was no uncertainty, no confusion. Keith sometimes wasn’t great at communicating through words, but here, in Shiro’s living room, he didn’t have to be. When you watched Keith closely, he was communicating _a lot_. Tiny gestures, a smile, the way he held himself around Shiro or even just a look... There was a connection that curled around every fibre of Shiro’s very being, that ran beyond words. And Shiro found himself hoping that no matter what, he would be able to nourish this bond as time went on. 

“It’s your turn now, Keith.” Lance’s voice cut through Shiro’s thoughts. _Right_. They were still playing a game. 

Keith seemed just as dazed for a moment as he felt. “Ummm.. well..” He pulled his hand from Shiro’s shoulder and put it on his thigh. “I didn’t really have time for a crush as a kid? But.. I think the other one might be.. Ryan.”

Shiro almost forgot to breathe.   
Ryan.  
So Keith wasn’t straight.   
Which of course didn’t have to mean anything. Two gay people and the room still didn’t make a love story. And so he tried to ignore the looks the others were giving him. 

“Who’s Ryan?” Allura asked. 

“He was.. a friend of a teammate. He wanted to join so he trained with us for a while. But my teammate hated me so he never let him talk to me.”

“Why did he hate you?” Shiro frowned. What kind of team was this?

 

“Because I always won first place,” Keith smirked at that. “I think he was jealous or something.”

“Sounds like bad sportsmanship to me,” Matt said. 

Keith only shrugged his shoulders. “It doesn’t really matter anymore. I haven’t talked to James in years. My teammate, I mean.”

“Good, because he seems like an asshole.” Shiro felt the urge to comfort Keith, although he didn’t seem troubled at all. He didn’t know much about his past, but he knew there were some dark patches. Maybe that was why he felt so connected to Keith. They’d both been through a lot and parts of them were still far from healed, wounds still open and bleeding. 

Shiro sighed at his own thought. He wished they’d both be in a better place and he only hoped that Keith was happier now. When he looked up, he realized he’d been so deep in thought he hadn’t heard Hunk’s answer to the question. It immediately made him feel guilty.   
Keith wasn’t the only person visiting and he needed to stop _obsessing_. 

“Ok, next question!” Lance tapped on his phone to read it. “Do you hate someone at the moment?”

“Slowly getting there,” Keith mumbled, but the smile on his face betrayed his mischief. And of course, Shiro was so focused on him again that he couldn’t save him from the pillow Lance threw at him. It hit Keith right in the face with a low thud and left him looking like a startled deer. Which of course, Lance immediately made fun of. 

Ten minutes of pillow fighting later Shiro had to ask himself why he had cleaned his apartment in the first place. But the disarray his living room had been turned into couldn’t bother him less as he lay panting and happy on the floor between his friends, even with Matt’s foot in his face.


	21. Chapter 21

Time was a weird thing. Some days, especially when Shiro was alone, he stared at the clock watching the seconds claw their way through thick mud. The feeling of wasting his life was a threat that grew louder and louder with every tick, making him even more anxious than usual.   
Today was different. It felt like mere minutes since he’d opened the door to greet his friends, yet the clock taunted him with the reality that it had indeed been hours. Hours that brought him closer to the moment he’d be alone again with the ticking of the clock. It had been a day filled with a lifetime worth of happiness and incredible moments. There had been times like this in his life prior the accident, but it felt so long ago that Shiro had almost forgotten about how _good_ it could feel. He wasn’t ready to let today’s moments become mere memories so soon, wasn’t ready to let go.. And so he tried to hail Coran’s advice and focus on the moment instead of focusing of how soon it would all be over. Which was not an easy thing to do.

Shiro had to remind himself to stay focused a few times, tried to remind himself that what counted was the moment. Right here, right now.. where the group was occupied to build a ‘nest’ as Hunk, the offical ‘nest adviser’ called it. Shiro was glad he’d already inflated the airmattrasses before their arrival, otherwise this whole endeavour would have ended in even more chaos. Hunk was trying to work out the perfect arrangement for their night, which apparently entailed a detailed plan about who placed which airmattrass where and who wanted which blanket or pillow.. which was also apparently a very important thing, since Pidge fought to not give her fluffy blanket to Lance - although Shiro suspected Pidge was just holding onto that blanket to annoy Lance.  
Shiro watched the whole ordeal and helped when asked, but he wasn’t as affected by all of this since he would sleep in his bed. His back and prothestis didn’t take kindly to nights on the floor, a fact no one argued with. Shiro didn’t exactly envy the rest of the group for having to sleep on the floor, what he did envy them was their shared company though. If only his bedroom had been big enough, they could have all slept in there. It was kind of sad. 

Hunk made a confused noise that made Shiro look up from where he’d totally not been watching Keith laugh while talking to Matt. It was a sight he could get used to, but he forced himself to look at Hunk instead, who stared at him with a raised eyebrow. 

“What’s wrong?” He asked, trying not to be embarrassed at the possibility of ogling Keith way too obviously. They wouldn’t judge him for that, right? They knew about his little crush, after all. 

“Shiro, buddy..,” Hunk cleared his voice. “Did you forget to bring one mattress into the living room or…?”

“Huh?” Shiro looked at him just as confused now. All the mattresses were in the living room and he’d counted them more times than he’d like to admit. Pidge and Matt had brought two mattresses each, Allura had brought her own and there’s been one in Shiro’s closet. That should be a sufficient number for his friends to sleep on plus make his living room look like a dry swimming pool. His eyes darted over to Matt, who was talking to Keith. Then it dawned on him.  
He’d felt a cold, uncomfortable sensation crawling up his neck. 

“I.. Shit.. I didn’t know Keith was still coming.”

Keith, at the mention of his name, immediately looked over. Shiro felt frozen for a moment.. All this time he’d spend on planning and now one of them didn’t have a place to sleep. Keith said something to Matt he couldn’t hear and came closer to them.

“What is it?” He asked, voice soft like he was talking to a startled animal. Shiro silently cursed at himself for not being able to keep his emotion off his face. 

“We’re one mattress short,” Hunk said. Shiro hated the sound of that, hated how it made Keith frown when his eyes darted to his face. 

“I… if.. I can go home and sleep there,” he offered, looking a bit sheepishly. 

“No way!” Hunk vigorously shook his head as if the mere idea offended him. “We’ll figure something out.”

“I don’t want you to go through even more trouble just because of me. This is my fault.”

“It’s no trouble,” Hunk cut him off. “Just let me think.”

“What’s the matter?” Matt asked. Apparently, the problem had caught the attention of the rest of the group. 

“I.. we need one more air mattress or.. something,” Shiro explained, trying to keep the extent to which this was stressing him out from his face. Keith already felt bad enough about this as it was. 

“It’s ok. I can go home and come back tomorrow.”

Something inside of Shiro wanted to avoid that at all cost, the thought of putting distance between them after this new found closeness almost making him panic. And what if Keith didn't come back? What if he decided to disappear again? What if he only faked enjoying his time here with them? 

“We will figure something out,” Hunk repeated. 

“I could sleep on the floor.” Keith shrugged his shoulders helplessly. 

Shiro hated this thought as well. He didn’t want to sleep on the floor, he would rather give up his own bed. Maybe this was the solution to all of this.. a night on the floor might mess with his arm and back, but having Keith leave now would mess with his head way worse. But before he could say something, he Matt spoke up. 

“No one’s sleeping on the floor,” he said. “Shiro and I can sleep in his bed. Wouldn’t be the first time we’re sharing, right? Keith, you can take my mattress.”

Shiro’s thought skittered to a halt. 

“Ha! I’m sure you’d like that.” Lance squinted at Matt. “But if someone gets the chance to sleep in a _real_ bed, we need to talk about it.”

“I volunteer as tribute!” Pidge hollered. 

Lance huffed. “I’m sure you do.”

“You know, I’m kind of the biggest guy here and the mattresses are a bit tiny for me anyway,” Hunk shrugged his shoulders. 

“And now _I’m_ supposed to suffer because you like to eat?” Lance crossed his arms. 

“I’m a cook!”

“Ok, guys,” Allura interjected with a tired, but amused smile. “Now before this turns into an episode of Game of Thrones, maybe we should just draw a lot. I’m sure none of us would pass a chance like this and this way it’s fair, right?” 

Everyone looked around and at each other, then nodded. 

“Keith, Shiro.. could you get us a bowl and some paper and pencils?” Allura instructed them. It was natural for her to take the lead in things like this, so Shiro complied without another thought with Keith trailing behind him. He was relieved that they’d apparently found a solution everyone was happy with, but there was still a lot of tension he could feel in his shoulders. Why hadn’t he thought about the possibility of Keith coming? Sure, he hadn’t said he’d come after effectively banning him from his life for a few days, but he’d also said he’d _not_ come. 

“I’m.. sorry.” Keith was saying into the quiet once they reached the kitchen. “I’m making this all the more complicated.”

“You aren’t!” Shiro threw him what he hoped was a reassuring smile over his shoulder. “We’re already working on a solution. My bed really _is_ big. And I don’t mind having another person next to me.” He shrugged his shoulders. “Matt and Allura sleep there all the time when they stay over.”

Keith still didn’t really look convincing. 

“Believe me. Besides…” He smiled again. “Having you here with us is worth all the trouble.” Shiro bathed in the little laugh that escaped Keith’s throat. If this had been a conversation with Lance, he’d winked at him right now. With Keith, though, he was a bit more cautious so he just kept smiling and reached for the bowl on the top shelf. 

“I think pens and paper should be in my bedroom,” Shiro said. “Could you bring the bowl to the others? I’ll be there in a second.”

Keith took the bowl from him and left while Shiro made the little detour to his bedroom. He grabbed an unused pack of colouring pencils (Coran had suggested drawing or colouring could be good for him to calm down - turned out it only annoyed him because all his drawings looked like shit) and some paper. He took a moment for himself, just standing in his bedroom and breathing, trying to relieve the earlier stress.   
Everything was going to be _fine_. Their sleeping situation wasn’t a real problem anymore and Keith would surely relax soon and not feel guilty anymore. 

When he got back to the living room, Shiro was met with the sight of a suspiciously happy smiling Allura who already held the bowl. The room was also suspiciously silent.   
This wasn’t good.   
They were up to something.   
_Nothing was going to be fine._   
Shiro glanced at Keith, trying to gauge if he knew what was going on. But Keith only shrugged his shoulders, Shiro could detect a tension in them that hadn’t been there before. He knew something was up, too. 

The worst thing was that his friends were probably convinced they were being subtle and sneaky, but I blind person could see the change in their behaviour, could see the fake behind their smiles.   
But there was nothing Shiro could do about it right now. Asking what’s going on would draw even more attention to it and he didn’t want to weird Keith out even further.   
He just had to suffer through it.   
Whatever _it_ was.   
So he handed the paper and pencils over to Allura without another word. 

“Perfect!” Allura beamed. “Now, I want everyone to write their name on one of these papers and then put them in the bowl so I can draw the winner of the bedroom battles.”

“Please don’t call it _that_ ,” Pidge groaned, but Allura ignored her. Lance tried and failed to stifle his giggling. 

Shiro just watched their quick process of writing their names down, folding the papers into tiny packages and throwing them into the bowl. He didn’t really care who was about to sleep next to him.   
Although Pidge had been accused of blanket robbery and kicking in the past. For a person as small as her, it was amazing how much space she was able to take up.   
Still, Shiro liked her company.   
Maybe with Hunk thinks would become a bit more.. comfy. They were both big guys and would probably dwarf the bed if they attempted to share it.   
But Shiro didn’t mind platonic cuddling at all.   
With Lance..- 

“And the winner is…,” Allura announced, pulling him out of his thoughts. She was glancing at all of them during a dramatic pause where she unfolded the paper. There was another little pause when she read the name on the paper in silence and Shiro felt his blood run cold at the evil grin she was throwing his way. 

“Keith,” she finally read out loud. 

Shiro was glad the fact that he almost choked on his own tongue got lost in the general uproar. He stared at the paper Allura proudly waved in front of her, Keith’s name written in neat letters. How had been the odds?  
It wasn’t that he minded sharing a bed with Keith. He was a bit scared he’d maybe enjoy it too much. What if things got awkward? What if Keith wasn’t comfortable sharing a bed with him? He glanced over to see his reaction, only to find him squinting at the paper.   
Oh no.   
He wasn’t comfortable sharing a bed with him. Why would he? They barely knew each other. What if he was scared Shiro would try to make a move on him? Shiro had been prominently bad at keeping his distance the last few hours. 

“You don’t have to.. I mean.. ” Shiro said, his tongue heavy in his mouth. Allura’s eyes were immediately on him, worried, knowing he was on the verge of.. something. 

“-Are you kidding me?” Keith looked at him. “And miss the chance of sleeping in a real bed?” There was a smile on his face that immediately made some of Shiro’s panicked thoughts melt away like ice. “I won this, apparently. Right?” He looked at Allura, who nodded at him, but her smile faltered for a moment. 

“Alrighty, then I guess it’s time to get ready for bed. I’m calling dibs on the bathroom.” With Lance announcement, everyone suddenly drove into action. 

Pidge tried to rush past Lance, who immediately grabbed her by the ankle and sent her crashing to the floor. He tried to get past her while she was still down but underestimated her speed and need for revenge. 

Matt rolled on the floor, laughing at the both of them while Hunk and Allura tried to get them to stop fighting. 

Shiro just sat there, wide-eyed. He watched Keith getting up to get his stuff from the suitcase and then just pass the rolling mess on the floor towards the bathroom. He closed the door behind himself after one last grin at Shiro. How was he supposed to survive sleeping next to him when a simple grin made his heart flutter? 

Lance shot up at the sound of the bathroom door closing. “What was that?”

“Keith just went to the bathroom,” Shiro answered, unable to hold back his grin. 

“No! Nonononono.” Lance got up, staring at the door. “That’s.. I called dibs!” 

“And then you wasted time rolling around on the floor,” Matt pointed out. 

“But it’s not _fair_!”

“It’s my bathroom, I’ll allow it.”

“Of course you do,” Lance mumbled, walking towards the bathroom. He knocked a few times. “Hurry up, pretty boy!” 

“He hasn’t even been in there for a minute,” Allura said. 

“You had to keep me from getting reading for bed first, huh?” Lance pointed at Pidge accusingly. 

“Me? _You_ started all this!”

“There’ll probably be black mullet hair all over the sink now,” Lance whined, ignoring her in favour of pouting. 

“I can clean it up for you when I get in,” Hunk offered. 

“No! Next one going into the bathroom is _me_ ,” Lance thumbed at his own chest. “End of discussion!”

It took the entirety of five minutes for Lance to stop moping and another five to start joking with Hunk again. Still, when the bathroom door opened, he immediately darted for it, pushed a very startled Keith out of the way and slammed the door shut. 

“I hope no one needs to pee right now,” Matt said cheerily. 

Keith just stood there for a moment, staring at the door with a raised eyebrow. His hair was still a bit wet and he was wearing black loose pants and a grey t-shirt, ready and comfy for bed. And Shiro tried to prepare his brain that this was going to be a long night.

***

As a good host, Shiro had decided to let all his guest use the bathroom before him. It seemed like a good idea until he realized what a horrendous amount of time that actually took.. seven people sharing one bathroom proved to be a challenge in itself and when the last one of them was in there, Shiro had trouble keeping his eyes open.  
At least his friends had been so kind as to keep him entertained while he was waiting to get ready for bed. Except for Pidge, who’d already fallen asleep.  
But no matter how much he enjoyed spending time with them, he was glad when he was finally able to use the bathroom. He tried to shower and brush his teeth as quickly as possible. The silence in the bathroom felt weird for once after being crowded the whole day long.

He was glad that he didn’t have to sleep in his room all by himself while the rest of his friends shared a room.. although he was a bit nervous to sleep in the same bed as Keith.   
And it wasn’t exactly because of the ‘bedroom situation’. This would be the first time they’d be alone in a room without the safety of their friends. What if he said something stupid?  
If he took long enough in the shower, maybe Keith would be already asleep by the time he got out. But if not… it seemed rude to keep him waiting like this, so he decided not to be a coward. 

Finally done and dressed, Shiro took one last deep breath before he opened the bathroom door. He’d chosen to wear a t-shirt with short arms, which, for him, was a bold move. Everyone would be able to see his prosthetic in its full freaky glory. Shiro knew they would stare and at the same time hide it for his sake. Reality was ugly, there was no way to keep it from them for the full length of their stay, 

Shiro met Hunk’s and Lance’s eyes especially when he said goodnight, gauging their reaction even though he knew it would hurt. They were trying to be subtle, but he caught Hunk’s deep frown as he turned to leave. It stung more than he cared to admit even to himself.   
The most difficult encounter was yet to come.. Shiro quickly took the last few steps to his bedroom and closed the door. 

Keith sat on his bed, his legs dangling over the edge. His back was turned towards Shiro when he’d entered, but he turned his head to give him a smile over his shoulder. Just like with Hunk, Keith’s eyes immediately slipped from his face and landed on his arm.. Not that Shiro could blame him. He figured if he’d see a man with a metal arm for the first time, he’d look at it as well. It was neither normal nor common.

“Is this from your accident?” Keith nodded towards the arm. 

Shiro flinched. No dancing around the topic with Keith, it seemed. Somehow, Shiro found that he wasn’t surprised. Keith had always been a very straightforward person in their past conversations.. He forced himself to stand still and to meet Keith’s eyes. He was always scared of what he’d read in other people’s faces. But Keith’s face was almost neutral.  
Which was maybe the worst.

“Yeah.. I.. know it’s kinda ugly.” It came out a bit defensive. 

Keith shrugged. “It looks like an arm. It just has a different colour than the rest of you.”

Shiro barked a surprised laugh. “That’s the.. most matter-of-fact reaction anyone has ever had to my arm.” It was nice, though. Especially because the surprise had punched some of the tension out of him. 

“Really?” Keith turned around a bit so he could look at Shiro without bending his neck. “What do people usually say?”

Shiro sat down on the other side of the bed, getting a bit more comfortable. “I…” What _did_ people say, indeed? “Most people don’t really say anything. They just.. stare. In a.. _don’t want to stare but can’t take my eyes off that freak arm anyway_ kinda way, you know?” 

He shrugged as if it didn’t bother him. Shiro hadn’t felt like a whole functioning human being since he’d walked out of the hospital. It was like he’d been abducted by aliens, ripped of his humanity for it only to be replaced by something hollow and vile. The accident had torn Shiro apart and some pieces of him were still missing or replaced.. it was a frustrating experience. 

“Shiro..” Keith inched towards him. “Nothing about this arm says freak. It’s just an arm.. Not the one you were born with, sure, but as far as I could see today, it does everything a normal arm does. So this really doesn’t turn you into a freak. If anything, he makes you more _metal_.”

Shiro snorted. “Being around Lance too much really isn’t good for you.” Keith shrugged his shoulders with such a soft grin it made Shiro’s heart flutter against his ribcage. 

“Can you.. sleep with it?” Keith asked instead of acknowledging Shiro’s comment any further. 

“Yeah, I needed some time to get used to it because.. it’s harder than a normal arm and it doesn’t give the same way the flesh version does.” There had been a lot of neck and shoulder pain involved in the first few weeks.

Keith nodded. “I’ve never seen anything like it. It’s amazing how real it looks. Seriously, Shiro.. the only difference is the colour.” 

When Shiro looked at his arm, he realized that it was the first time in a while that he really _looked_ at it. Of course, he saw it during chores, working out and just daily life… but he’d avoided really looking.   
Keith was right. Aside from colour and material, there was no real difference. Matt had apparently put a lot of work into it to make it look like it was made out of muscles.. he could have just made it a blunt cylindric from instead. This surely wasn’t a coincidence and not to be explained solely by Matt’s usual perfectionism. Shiro’s heart warmed with the knowledge that he had a friend like that.. Maybe he could ask Matt about some kind of softer material on the outside matching his skin tone. Maybe he wouldn’t feel so bad anymore? 

“Can I touch it?” Keith pulled him out of his thoughts. 

“Sure,” Shiro answered immediately, although the thought of it gave him a queasy feeling. There was no reason why Keith shouldn’t be allowed to touch it, logically, but no one aside from Matt had ever really done it before. And Matt usually touched it in clinical situations only. It was like an unspoken rule not to draw too much attention to it. A rule Keith was completely unaware of as he inched towards Shiro. At least he wouldn’t be able to feel tension in a _metal_ arm. Shiro held his breath for a moment when he made contact.   
Keith touch was light, only gracing the surface with his fingertips. The sensation made Shiro shiver involuntary. 

“Do you feel this?” Keith seemed surprised. 

“Yeah.. It’s touch sensitive and it’s not very different from my left arm.” He thought a moment about this statement. “Not anymore, at least. In the beginning, it felt different. More.. like an echo? A.. scraping? But I guess my brain adapted to it. Either that or Matt worked his magic.” He chuckled lightly. 

“Matt really picked the wrong class in game, huh?” Keith gave him the tiniest smile, pulling back his fingers from Shiro’s arm. “This arm really is a whole new level of technology.. It’s amazing.”

_Amazing._ Shiro had always known it was a great achievement, but he’d never put _that_ word on it. So far, it had always been a reminder of what’s been taken from him, although he was thankful for the degree of normalcy it provided. 

Shiro didn’t have more time to obsess over this train of thought. Keith let out a yawn that was almost comical in its intensity. It would have made him laugh if it hadn’t been so infectious. 

“I think we should maybe go to sleep.” Keith grinned at him. 

Surprisingly, it didn’t take long for Shiro to fall asleep that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> do I have a thing for two people sharing one bed?   
> maybe.


End file.
